Leaked rebel map

American news outlets have been keeping the world abreast of the situation in Ballinderry following yesterday’s decision to re-allocate the whole of the parish back into Tyrone by changing the flow of the Ballinderry River.

Fox News confirmed that the anti-government forces (Ballinderry Rebels), led by Commander McGuckin, have managed to hold the townlands of Ballydonnell, Ballylifford, Ballyronan Beg and Killymuck. Unfortunately, they suffered great casualties in Ardagh and Ballymultrea which have fallen to Tyrone/PSNI forces. Five rebels were caught and are now being interrogated at the Battery Bar.

Surprisingly, Cm McGuckin has gone on the offense since that loss and have annexed Lanaglug and Mullan Upper from the Tyrone side using a 1966 Wolseley equipped with heavy duty water pistols from Smith’s Store in Magherafelt. Fighting in Mullan Lower is on-going with the rebel forces gaining ground due to Patsy Muldoon, the bare-fist champion from 1961, who simply threatened to come out of retirement and box the head off any Tyrone man or woman for that matter. As the leaked map shows, the Ballinderry rebels are planning to continue their march into Tyrone by taking Ardboe and beyond.

Sky News were chased from Belagherty for asking if anyone knew the way to Brocagh.

Meanwhile, Ballinderry traditional band have commissioned a new song to commemorate the battle called the ‘Siege of Ballinderry’. So far they have the first two lines done:

It was on a late July morning / When McGuckin rose from bed

We’ll bate them red arses back to Tyrone / He’s reported to have said