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Moy Man Accused Of Cynically Ironing Wife’s Clothes And Sledging Children During Breakfast

Cynical ironing

Cynical ironing

A long-suffering Armagh wife as decided to strike while the iron is hot and highlight the ‘typical Tyronisms’ she’d had to put up with since marrying her Moy husband in 1995.

Conor Mackers (45) has been accused of cynically ironing and making dinner whilst indulging in verbals with his children before school every morning. Mrs Mackers also claimed her husband would throw himself to the ground when out walking and then blame her for pushing him.

Caroline Mackers explained:

“There’d be days he’s ironing my blouses and he’s deliberately and cynically burning tassels or sleeves. You’d see him smirking after. Then when he’s asking the children about school during breakfast he’s start sledging them about how crap they are at the writing or sums. He’s a modern Tyrone man to the core and not the man I thought I’d married back in ’95.”

Mrs Mackers revealed how he deliberately tripped himself queueing up for Communion and then blamed it on a man from Maghery who was three down from him.

“It’s getting worse. This morning he was pulling on his own shirt over his head and then started grappling with himself, rippingĀ his own shirt off again and finally flung himself to the floor. If that wasn’t bad enough he began slagging himself. It’s very inconvenient when we’re in a rush.”

Conor Mackers has played down the allegations and asked the public not to be sucked in by the one-sided allegations, adding ‘it takes two to tango’.

Meanwhile the Moy’s ‘Sledging and Slagging Competition’ has received over 400 applications this year with reigning champion Ainsley Coney from Ardboe favourite to retain his title.

 

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Loughmacrory To Clamp Down On Locals With Their Tongues Hanging Out

Look - there it is!

Look – there it is!

The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee have issued a warning to all residents that people caught with their tongues hanging out whilst concentrating on something will be named and shamed in the parish bulletin every weekend until they stop it. Stating its negative impact on the image of the area, committee chairperson Sally O’Brien highlighted the extent of the epidemic in all aspects of life:

“I’d been noticing a lot of it lately. Even the priest had his tongue hanging out yesterday whilst washing the chalice. Myself and vice chairman Bernard visited the local primary school last week and were shocked to see how bad it had become. The P2 class were doing some sums and every one of them had their tongues hanging out whilst scribbling away. And the sums weren’t all that difficult. What’ll they look like when they move on to long division. To be fair, their teacher wasn’t much of a role model. Her tongue was also hanging out marking them.”

The tongue affair is not restricted to the young. O’Brien described the scene at last week’s Loughmacrory game against Dregish:

“We scored 1-11 last week in the win but I counted that 1-8 of those were down to the opposition rolling around laughing at the tongues hanging out of our players as soon as we’d a chance to score. We don’t want to win the league or championship because of our tongues. If we make it into the Ulster Championship it’ll be picked up by the TV and where’ll we be then? Mickey McGee needs to curb this epidemic now! Someone’s going to lose a tongue.”

O’Brien is realistic about the time scale for change and of certain scenarios that might be beyond repair:

“This’ll take time. People in Loughmacrory have concentrated in this manner for centuries. I also realise that young lads in Sally’s will find it hard to concentrate on their dancing without their tongues hanging out, especially with the drink in them. They have to impress the women with the dancing and if their tongues are dangling out then that’s just collateral damage.”

The Loughmacrory and District Tourism Committee aim to start monitoring motorists doing hard parking next weekend in an effort to curb the tongue problem.

 

paul g moss

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