Priest Admits He’s Not Deadly At Marriage Guidance
An Omagh clergyman has broken ranks from Church hierarchy by admitting he’s sort of out-of-his-depth preaching to couples about marriage and the trials and tribulations of the sacrament.
Fr Turley, who turned 68 on Monday, acknowledged that there were times that he was talking ‘completely out of his hole’ about love and relationships:
“There were times when I was talking completely out of my hole”
Turley’s revelation has already sparked a reaction from Rome. Vatican officials have sent missives to all priests which will be read out at Mass on Sunday across the country. It sets out to remind worshippers that:
- Priests are married to God and have the same ups and downs real people have
- Many priests were womanisers in their teens and sometimes into their 20s
- Maynooth Seminary had biology lessons once a year where priests learned all about how they were born
Fr Turley, however, rejects the latest directive:
“What the hell do I know about women? A husband came to me recently complaining that his wife isn’t interested in nocturnal activities any more. I just told him to say three Hail Marys and the Confiteor. I was completely out of my depth.”
Turley also admitted his visits to schools to talk about relationships and love usually ended up in children throwing rubbers and crayons at him.
Meanwhile, an ecclesiastical study by Queen’s university has revealed that over 70% of Eucharistic Ministers are ‘some of the biggest crooks in the community’, a claim Fr Turley refused to refute, instead laughing and muttering something about ‘don’t I know it’.