The Department of Education has urged older teachers to sharpen their aim for the return to teaching in September. Social distancing regulations means normal methods of sharing classroom work have to be shelved in favour of throwing the exercise books at each other. 

Teachers will be brought back early in August to practise long-range throwing for pupils sitting in the back row. Any pupils caught purposely mis-throwing their books in order to hit other pupils or firing them intentionally hard at the teacher will be moved to the front for a two-month probationary period.

Education Minister Paddy Weird added:

We have also advised the cooks and catering staff to get used to flinging sausage rolls and pizza slices at pupils, either landing on a disposable plate or directly into their mouths. Foot such as mashed potato and gravy will be funnelled down pipes onto the plates from at least a 10m distance.”

Teaching unions have surprisingly supported the workbook-flinging initiative and have pushed for pens, staplers and sharpeners to be included in the hurling list.

Meanwhile, teachers of History have voiced concerns that local children may have a completely one-sided version of history now that they’ve been homeschooled by parents, especially those in Galbally and Carrickmore.