In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.
The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.
Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:
“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”
The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:
“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”
Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.
John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.
Following the 2014 Rose of Tralee’s public declaration that she’s gay, Tyrone Rose Bernadette Begley has quickly moved to confirm that she’s not gay and hopes the county will stand by her brave admission in the weeks ahead.
Begley, who also came clean on liking Mrs Brown’s Boys and Joe Brolly as well as eating beans with her morning fry, reckons her stance will encourage others to come forward and admit brave stuff that Ireland may not be ready to hear, in their opinion.
“Ever since I announced I was straight I’ve been getting quare looks from oul people around the county. It’s like they’re suspicious of me now that I’m not gay and in the public light. I don’t care though. It’s important that people know what my sexual preferences are, and everyone else’s. Ireland still lives in the Dark Ages, ye know, I think. Anyways I love Joe Brolly and his wee nose twitches. Feck the begrudgers.”
Begley’s father, an ex Commonwealth Bowls bronze medalist, wasn’t sure how the county will react:
“Aye, I’m a bit confused myself. I was sure she was gay as she never showed any signs of being different. This has come as a bit of a shock to be honest. I haven’t the heart to tell her granny. It could kill her. She’s gay herself but also harbours a dark secret too – her own mother’s a protestant. All these things are very important ye know, around here. Sure I like B*Witched”
The PSNI have set up a counselling hotline for anyone struggling to come to terms with other people’s life choices and natural tendencies.