In a move which no one saw coming, US president Donald Trump tonight announced that the long-lasting issue of Ballinderry’s geographical location is settled on their side of the Atlantic at least. 

The small-handed leader assured his people that Ballinderry was, in fact, in Tyrone and that any titles Ballinderry won in the past are now on the Tyrone club roll of honour.

Within minutes, Ballinderryites were on the bridge attempting to burn it to stop any Tyronians getting across and laying claim to land, businesses and women. Local historian and Derry fanatic Henry McGuckian fumed:

“That orange-faced bollocks. We’re no more Tyrone than we are Icelandic. He doesn’t know what he has done here. Themuns from Moortown and Ardboe may sleep with one eye open this weekend. We’ll not go down easy, not like a Tyrone club team in Ulster.”

Trump’s unexpected declaration is now seen as an opening shot in a US war on south Derry after they refused to allow Toome to be used as a stop-over military airforce refill centre.

Meanwhile, an elderly care home in Cookstown had all its computers removed after an 88-year old pensioner was caught Googlng ‘dirty oul wemen’.