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Fintona Man Wants His O Level English Literature From 1977 Remarked

SchoolhouseA 56-year old farmer from Fintona revealed he has written to the examinations awarding body CCEA to ask if his O Level paper from 40 years ago can be remarked after doubts over the accuracy of grades in 2017. 

Patrick Flynn, who scored a C in English Literature in 1977 and was dubbed ‘the smartest man in Tyrone’ by his fellow villagers, maintains he was ‘done up like a kipper’ by the exam board after he thought he definitely scored  a B at least.

“Even though I was labelled the smartest man in Tyrone for years back then after getting the C, I knew I’d done a deadly paper and even managed to write a poem that was 14 verses long during it about a Massey Ferguson which had a mind of its own and wanted to be a Lada. We weren’t asked to write a poem at all but I did it anyway to show off my talents. I was gobsmacked when I got the envelope.”

Flynn maintains he has never been able to hold down a relationship since the result due to fears that women were only after him for his brains after word of the ‘C’ grade got out.

CCEA have confirmed that it’s highly unlikely his paper from 1977 still exists but that they’ll look out the back for it anyway.

Meanwhile, schools in Tyrone have confirmed that Tyronish is to be taught as a GCSE this year with the first module teaching pupils how to insult and slag people in their own dialect effectively.

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School Report Uproar As Prank Backfires In Loughmacrory College

reportcardAn ill-conceived prank by the Loughmacrory PE department left a mother in tears after her son’s report suggested extreme measures to rectify his non-existent misbehaviour and under-performance.

Johnny Quinn, who achieved 10 A* grades and one E grade in his Year 8 report as well as Student of the Year and 100% attendance, arrived home on the day of his report to find his mother distraught after reading his English subject report.

Unbeknownst to his English teacher Mr McAleer, who was off on long-term leave after cutting off the branch he was sitting on during a spot of home gardening, a contingent of PE teachers conspired to fill in Tommy’s English Language report.

Grading him an ‘E’, despite having already published a poetry anthology at the age of 10, his subject report simply read:

“This bastard should be shot.”

Principal Kinnear admitted CCTV cameras, recently fitted after two History teachers were spotted canoodling in the Science corridor, would be examined to catch the culprit.

“Mrs Quinn is now pacified but the poor woman was traumatised after three hours of wondering where it all went wrong for Tommy in his favourite subject. Only for Tommy spotting a mistake in Mr McAleer’s signature we would have never have known it was a PE teacher.”

Tommy has since been awarded his 11th A* at Loughmacrory College of Excellence.

Tyrone Schools Back Controversial Upheaval Of GCSE English Literature Syllabus

Shakespeare - a load of balls?

Shakespeare – a load of balls?

All post-primary schools in Tyrone were united today in their support for the new GSCE English Literature exam which will see traditional texts such as Shakespeare, O’Casey, Hemmingway and WB Yeats replaced with the writings of Ronan McSherry, Alan Rodgers, Kevin Hughes and Catherine Wylie amongst others.

President of the Tyrone Schools United Committee, Master McGrath, explained the reasoning behind their stance:

“To be honest, we’re sick of reading that Romeo prancey nonsense. Who in their right mind talks like that now, apart from a lock of families in Donaghmore? Then you’ve Yeats waffling on about swans or Easter. Give me a critical analysis of the writings of Ronan’s Rant in the Herald any day: “taunting the Man U fans was like poking a rottweiler with a stick” is lyrically magical and far better than anything Wilfred Owen  ever attempted.”

McGrath added that he’s very much looking forward to seeing his students get their teeth into Alan Rodgers’ match reports, Catherine Wylie’s account of the Nigella Lawson case or Sheena McStravick’s take on the botox addiction in Mid-Ulster. He added:

“We need to get people reading for enjoyment. We have a wealth of literary talent in the county, instead of analysing the Macbeth codswallop. Ciaran Woods wrote an article last year on the pain of playing with in-grown toenails and it had me in tears. Such emotion. Our children need to be brought up on this stuff, not the pure balls William Wordsworth was spouting.”

Students will be allowed to choose two of their own modules alongside a compulsory module on Owen Mulligan’s latest book.

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