Halloween ‘Destroyed’ As School Takes Health & Safety To Extremes
Angry parents have complained to Dungannon Local Authority after a local primary school announced its plans for a ‘very safe Halloween’, which they say changes the annual October tradition virtually beyond all recognition.
Headmaster of Moy-based Clonless Primary School Aodhan Nugent said,
“I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Ducking for apples is a dangerous activity. Children shoving their faces into water? I’m surprised no one’s been hurt. No. This stops now. They can bob in the basin, but there’ll be no water in it. Or apples for that matter. They might break their teeth on one. We’re going to use Flumps instead. ‘Flump-Bobbing’ ”.
Nugent continued enthusiastically,
“That’s not all. Trick or treating has had its day. Tricking people sets a terrible example to the children. We’ll still do it like, but instead of ‘Trick or Treat’, we’re going to call it ‘Treat or Another Treat’. We can’t risk weeans getting upset, can we?”
Parents vented their frustration at the reckless breaking of tradition.
“This Trick or Treat business has gone too far”, protested Seamus Devlin, a paper stapler from Brocagh. “When we were 8 years old we used to get a jib crane and hoist cows onto people’s roofs for feck’s sake, or take their gates off and throw them in the graveyard. It was hilarious. Everyone loved it. No-one got hurt. Well, maybe a couple of the cows. Turns out greenhouse roofs aren’t that strong”.
Nugent also decided that pumpkins will be replaced with balloons, and whilst children will not be allowed to draw scary faces on them, they may be allowed to draw what has been described as ‘slightly apprehensive’ faces. Nugent has said that they may even be allowed to blow some of the balloons up.
Scary stories have also been banned, in case it scares any of the children.
“The only scary story round here is that that eejit Nugent’s also going to be in charge of Christmas at the school”, said Devlin. “God only knows what he’ll do with that. Probably ban Christmas cake as a choking hazard, the bollix”.
Nugent confirmed earlier today that parents and pupils can still bring fireworks to the school’s evening Halloween celebrations, provided none of them get set off at any point.