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Funding Initiative To Rewild Tyrone Men In Swatragh and Dungiven Gets Green Light Despite Protests

Money has finally been released by the Department of Improvement to rewild virile Tyrone men in the heartland of county Derry in order to boost athletic achievement, despite rioting from local men who maintain it should be the other way about.

The idea, which was hatched in 2019 when Derry was at a low ebb on the GAA field, will see over 100 Tyrone men relocated to temporary accommodation in Swatragh and Dungiven, and encouraged to go to dances and integrate themselves into parish raffles, bazaars, and tombolas.

News of the release of funds was met with a riot between Dungiven men and local politicians who sanctioned the initiative four years ago.

Dungiven stalwart Gerry McGonigle fumed:

“Sure we’re better than them now. It should be the other way about if Tyrone want to be winning stuff. Rewild us in Cookstown and Carrickmore I say. I understand Swatragh getting a bit of help but sure all they needed was to have a few Slaughtneil men thrown into the area, sur.”

Several cars were overturned in the Swatragh area with graffiti reading ‘get back to the bushes yiz red hand bastids‘ daubed on a wall near Maghera.

Dismay As Joe McMahon Ruins Omagh Reputation By Wearing Apron

McMahon's Choice

McMahon’s Choice

Omagh residents are said to be furious and ‘pure ripping’ after Joe McMahon was spotted wearing an apron whilst standing at his front door looking at his garden, with a pair of kitchen gloves under his arm.

Having finally shaken off the ‘soft townies’ label which had been unfairly bestowed upon them since the 60s, McMahon’s moment of madness is expected to mean only an All-Ireland title will see the club to return to their recent image transformation.

Pat Monteith, a lifelong clubman and former player of the 80s, admitted:

“It’s like all the good work has been wiped out in the space of 10 seconds. Winning Tyrone and getting to the Ulster final had finally killed off the soft townies perception we’d been wrongly landed with. Joe had been a big part of that. Now he goes and puts on an apron and heads outside. Either his head’s cut or Larry Strain has put him up to this to get the siege mentality going again.”

To make matters worse, it has been reported he was wearing a novelty apron depicting Wonder Woman’s dress. Monteith’s couldn’t hide his anger at this revelation:

“Ah holy god. Them Slaughtneil lads will be all over this. Joe’ll have to lay down a marker straight away and take the head clean off their star player. It’s his duty now. I’m pure rippin.”

McMahon has yet to confirm or deny the apron but a close friend told us he was an avid chef and regularly tries out ambitious dishes such as pavlova or scotch eggs and beans:

“He’s mad about the oul cooking. He didn’t do as well in his A Levels as he should have because he was always sneaking off home to watch reruns of Can’t Cook Won’t Cook. In 20-30 years he’ll be seen as a pioneer but Tyrone is not quite ready in 2014 for lads coming out as avid kitchen practitioners.”

Meanwhile his brother Justin has taken to wearing dark sunglasses until the furore boils down.

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