Reported Benburb inventor

By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

Local man Francis Hagan from Benburb held a press conference yesterday to launch a new iPhone application that will put an end to tales of wildly exaggerated nights out.

 “People were doing my head in saying that the craic was 90 when I knew damn well it was nothing of the sort. That’s when I had my Eureka moment. Why not develop an app that proves what the craic was really like? See, there’s only ever been one level and that’s 90. That’s where my app comes in – if it says that the craic in the pub last night was 30, let’s not beat around the bush. It means it was shite. Nice and simple”.

Once activated the app detects the level of laughter, hysteria, sobbing, fighting and so on in the immediate vicinity, which it then converts into an index, based approximately on the following:

Hagan expects to refine the index further still.

“If some boyo were to say to you that the craic was 70.32 last night, you’ll know exactly what it was like, dead vivid and everything. Almost like you were there”. He admits the app needs more testing. “I tried to produce a result where the craic was 100. Jaysus. The house nearly disappeared into a parallel universe. It’s an impossibility due to a scientific paradox or something. These are unchartered waters I’m sailing in. You can’t mess with the natural order of things. Craic can’t be higher than 90. It just can’t. I won’t try that again. I might get sucked into a buckin black hole”.

Hagan says that other apps are in development, including a ‘Foundered Index’ for how cold someone is, and a ‘Bottle Index’ for how slippery roads are.

The current app will cost £1.99. Journalists who were given it to test reported that the craic at the press conference was 20.