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Drummurrer Man To Fit Stove On International Space Station

McNeill goes to toilet before returning to capsule.

McNeill goes to toilet before returning to capsule.

One of Tyrone’s most accomplished linguists, Terrence McNeill, is currently floating in a capsule in space as he prepares to become the first Irish man to work on the International Space Station.

McNeill, who can fluently speak over six languages from his stove-fitting experiences in Dungannon, will install a state-of-the-art stove in the Russian quarter on board the ISS after winning the contract from another tender in Lithuania. The Drummurrer man was rocketed off into space from Houston last night and is currently aiming to park his space capsule ‘Meenagh’ some time tonight if he can line it up correctly and soberly.

His wife, Anita, revealed it was a great honour for their family:

“We always knew he was deadly at the stove fitting and deadly at the languages so he’d be a deadly boy for fitting stoves up there for the Russians. I can’t relax though til he parks it as he’s liable to have a couple of drinks on him and might overshoot the parking bay and blow the whole thing up. I hope not. I also hope the diarrhoea has cleared up.”

McNeill underwent 3 weeks of intensive training in America before the launch and although he failed 90% of the tests, the Drummurrer man convinced NASA officials he’d work it out up there as he was ‘good at thinking on his feet’. At a packed conference he explained:

“I’m sure it’s just like parallel parking. I’ll put the shoe to the burd, get her docked and then pile into the ISS with my tools and get wired into the stove. I’ll be out by Monday I reckon. I’m just worried about the diarrhoea.”

McNeill has promised to tweet aerial pictures of Drummurrer, Annaghnaboe and Cloghog from space.

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Coalisland-Born Astronaut Warned About Diffing And Slagging On International Space Station

Flight Engineer McCann

Flight Engineer McCann

A Coalisland born Flight Engineer, currently on-board the International Space Station which hurtles around the earth’s orbit at around 17’000 mph, has been severely reprimanded by NASA after a series of misdemeanours including ‘doing donuts’ over Ireland and slagging Russians about the quality of their Vodka.

Nevada-based Sheamy McCann, who left Coalisland in 1986 when his mother told him to ‘stop that oul space talk and get a job down the yard‘, has been on the current expedition for 98 days and is responsible for carrying out scientific testing on toiletry habits in space.

NASA confirmed today that McCann is on a final warning after a Russian Cosmonaut, Vladimir Drago, threatened to ‘get Putin on the job‘ if the Tyrone man continued making derogative comments about their vodka and other national treasures.

Houston Commander Haddyfield explained:

“McCann is already on a warning after the time he was given the controls last month. When passing over Ireland he started doing donuts and ‘diffing’ as he called it, shouting ‘yeoooo ye boy ye‘ and adding a spoiler to the rear compartment. He’s really only there to examine what toilet roll works best in space.”

Haddyfield expanded on the recent feud between McCann and a couple of Russian colleagues:

“He’s always winding the Russians up by doing Riverdance versions of their distinctive Russian dancing. The he’d start slagging Lada cars, calling them ‘hapes of dung‘ and putting Post-It notes all over the station saying things like ‘Smirnoff is shite‘ and ‘Putinka tastes like cat’s pish‘. It’s just not funny.”

McCann hasĀ denied any purposeful wrong-doing 200 miles above the planet, believing he was lightening the mood ‘as all people talk about up here is oul science stuff‘.

He also plans on writing a book about some of the things he has spotted whilst orbiting the earth, including multiple diesel-laundering sites in and around Carrickmore.

paul g moss

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