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Experts Stumped Over Success Of Dung-Scented Toilet Roll

920x920Aromatherapists and perfume scientists at Queen’s University have admitted to being at a loss to explain the commercial success of a Fintona-based company’s dung-scented toilet roll product.

The product, Keeper Clean, has sold over 200’000 units since its launch last week, making the new company, Red Hand Wipes, a profit of £o.5m after tax.

The idea is the brainchild of Phelim McClafferty, who stumbled upon the idea whilst out walking on the Tattymoyle Road earlier in the year. Noting how happy he felt when passing a field with freshly spread manure on it, the Fintona entrepreneur experienced a major brainwave:

“Whether we like to admit it or not, country people have a natural dispensation towards the smell of agricultural produce, and that includes all forms of excrement. It gives us a natural high and is often thought of as an aphrodisiac in some parts of the county. So I put two and two together and got five. To be brutally honest, I’d no idea what I was doing and still can’t make sense of it, but it’s making me a wealthy man.”

Shopkeepers have reported sporadic fights in stores as far away as Strabane over the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll as shelves are bare within minutes of a refill of the product. PSNI have urged shoppers to stay calm as the company have promised another five million units of the product are in the final stages of production.

Queen’s University chief scientist Dr Hillary Twelvetrees added:

“It makes no sense at all. Walking into one of the bathrooms containing the Keeper Clean Dung-Scented Toilet Roll must be an overpowering experience. The more I think of it, country people are pure mental.”

The toilet roll can be bought for £5.99.

Tyrone News In Brief – August 2014

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  • The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”

 

  • Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.

 

  • Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.

 

  • Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.

 

  • Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.

 

  • Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.

 

  • Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.

Augher Man Applies For Software Degree Course After Learning How To Cut And Paste

McSorley

McSorley

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

A man from Augher has applied for an advanced software engineering degree at Queen’s University in Belfast after having learned how to ‘cut and paste’ on a basic computer skills course at Dungannon Public Library.

“There’s no stopping me now, boys!” said an enthusiastic Hugh McSorley, 23, an unemployed decorator from outside the village. “I’ve been on the ‘Understanding My Computer’ course at the library every Wednesday morning for three weeks and I kid you not it’s taught me a lock of things. This cuttin and pasting is amazing. I thought I already knew about pasting because I’m a decorator by trade. But nope, instead of typing out all the words and sentences and stuff you just move the mouse yoke over the bit you want to copy, press a few buttons, and that’s the job done. You might think it sounds complicated, and it is. Very”.

The intensive 3-year course at the Belfast University covers software construction, theory and algorithms, functional programming, and systems architecture. McSorley so far has also learned how to save a document, how to print, and how to use the Caps Lock. “If you want to learn how to put something from wee letters into thon big letters, come and talk to me. You won’t believe your eyes”, exclaimed McSorley.

 “We’re keen to encourage people’s passion, but we’re really not sure he’s ready” said an un-named source at Dungannon Library. “Last Wednesday we were teaching the class how to access the Task Manager and Hugh said that pressing ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ at the same time was “feckin’ impossible” and that holding down three keys at once was “ridiculous unless you’re a buckin’ six-fingered freak”. He also spent an entire afternoon copying and pasting the phrase ‘deadly wemen’ onto 50 pages on a Word document, and then pressed the print button. And he usually starts sniggering every time we talk about ‘inserting an item or ‘increasing the size of a column’. He’s really quite disruptive”.

McSorley is adamant he has the skills already to survive at Queen’s:

“Listen”, said an aggressive McSorley, “What do I want with a task manager? I’ve a wee piece of paper here with all the tasks I need to manage. Look: ‘Sign on. Buy mince. Watch Loose Women. Register for computer course’. Task manager my arse. As soon as I get my degree I’m going to write a programme for space ships that will let them go into hyperspace and get to other planets really fast. I already know all about hyperlinks, so I’m halfway there. Name one other man or woman from Augher who can do what I do? Them Clogher ones still think a PC drives a Landrover”.

This coming Wednesday the library course will cover how to change words into italics.

paul g moss

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