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Drumquin Man Caught Legally Driving Last Night. Parents Distraught.

Tyres in deadly condition

Tyres in deadly condition

A Drumquin man’s family is blaming modern society after their son was caught with insurance, tax and MOT certificates, good tyres as well as a full tank of clean diesel.

Jeremy Maguire, a 26 year old joiner with no convictions since 2008, was stopped by police whilst travelling at 34 mph on the Dregish Road at 9pm on Sunday night for a random spot-check.

Onlookers described confusing scenes as police officers were seen nodding their heads in approval while rifling through documents and joking with the driver, at one stage giving a high five to the ex-Drumquin full back soon after the diesel was dipped.

Maguire’s father Pat, who did time for driving a pick-up with no tyres in 1988, admitted he felt ashamed walking around the local Spar this morning:

“People just kept staring or shaking their heads. I bought The Irish News, a pint of semi-skimmed and three apples and was charged £8.33. Everyone just stood there ready to light on me if I questioned the tally so I just paid it in silence and dandered out a broken man. Our Jeremy has always been a bit strange – filling up the windscreen washer regularly with the correct stuff and all.”

Mrs Maguire, who refused to be officially interviewed, blamed modern society on her son’s tendency to stick to the rules and has warned other parents to be careful of the dangers of YouTube and social media.

PSNI confirmed this evening that a car was stopped last night in the Dregish area and given the all-clear following a stringent spot-check including an emissions test.

Police Called To Annual Making Of St. Brigid’s Crosses At Brackaville

_72699476_st_brigits_cross_making_with_belfast_hills_partnership03A police spokesman has confirmed tensions may still be simmering today after they were called to the Brackaville club last night to monitor their annual making of St Brigid’s Crosses which ‘cut up rough‘ according to sources.

An altercation occurred soon after 8pm when three men from Coalisland were accused of sabotaging the rushes by squirting glue on the massed bunch in the middle of the floor. Children were reportedly inconsolable at not being able to get rushes off their hands.

Event organiser Fr Talbot added:

“As soon as I saw them Coalisland lads arriving I knew there’d be trouble. You could smell the drink off them and they were smirking and winking and stuff. I’ve no doubt they were squirting glue on the pile. The ‘Island ones have always been jealous of our cross-making culture.”

Punches were thrown at around 9pm when all 388 crosses were put up for show for the annual ‘Best Cross Award’ which sees the winner receive a 3-night stay at Roughan Castle. Fr Talbot explained:

“It was disgraceful. When we hung them up there were artefacts that definitely were not St Brigid’s Crosses: four were rush swastikas and three were just the 2-finger salute. Another one said ‘Brackaville are cat’ and another one read ‘no to dog litter’. I couldn’t help myself so I knocked out one of the lads with broken chair. It sort of spiralled out of control after that.”

One of the Coalisland 3 was forcibly removed from the scene, shouting ‘yiz are nothing but a bunch of pagans anyway‘ to the bewildered Brackaville contingent.

The making of a Brigid’s Cross is thought be a pre-Christian tradition commemorating the goddess Brigid who was one of the Tuatha Dé Danann. A decision on this will be made tonight in The Ceili House pub between a bunch of local pagans and a clatter of clergy.

Conor Gormley Takes Down Fintona Wind Turbine With Shoulder Charge To Celebrate Retirement

Wind-turbine-mainA stricken wind turbine which was felled on Friday on the Screggagh wind farm on Murley mountain near Fintona was said to be a last act of defiance by recently retired All Star defender Conor Gormley, sending out a message to the Tyrone side before they take on Armagh in the McKenna Cup this weekend.

A close friend of the Carrickmore man confirmed it was something Gormley would do and should not be looked on as an act of vandalism but as heroic as Finn McCool or Cuchulainn.

“Aye that’d be Conor alright. He’s not a man for words. I’d say he’s thought long and hard about a parting gift for the current squad, so he has decided to shoulder charge a wind turbine to the ground. He’s some boyo.”

The 80 metre turbine, valued at over £500,000, collapsed on Friday evening, scattering debris over a wide area. The sound of the failing mechanical structure was heard more than seven miles away. Some people said the sound was like thunder.

“I remember him shouldering Oisin McConville in 2003 and it was a similar sound.”

added former county squad player Sean Cavlan.

The Gormley turbine saga puts into the shade Armagh’s Francie Bellew who marked his retirement by clattering into the gable wall of the Crossmaglen PSNI barracks, causing £6000 worth of structural damage.

 

Seven Hospitalised In Coalisland Black Friday Chip Shop Massacre

Cowboy supper

Cowboy supper

Tensions are said to be simmering in Coalisland today after a ‘Black Friday’ promotional offer of a Cowboy Supper with a free can of Lilt for £5.50 in Linda’s Chippy saw fist-fights and head butting, with seven punters still receiving treatment this morning for minor fractures.

The town’s Lord Mayor, Paud McGlone, has called for calm over the weekend with Linda’s promising other amazing Black Weekend deals including a pastie bap for £3.

“Whilst I condemn the fighting, Linda’s maybe need to take a step back and understand that these people are mad for cowboy suppers as well as Lilt, and a combination of both was a death trap. A bit of common sense wouldn’t have gone amiss.”

14 locals were arrested but released within hours, with the PSNI simply asking for a common-sense approach to Black Friday deals in future.

“We will monitor the pastie bap deal closely. Any repeat of yesterday’s scenes and we’ll employ the water cannon with force.”

One of those arrested, Mrs Mary Quinn (71), admitted a feeling of hysteria when told of the deal whilst getting her hair done for Graveyard Sunday this weekend:

“I just lost it. The thought of sausages and chips swimming in a carton of beans and it being washed down with Lilt drove me mad. I just started swinging all around me in the chippy and flattened Fr Fee. He was just in for a chicken burger so I feel very bad about that.”

Linda’s revealed the deal is off the menu this weekend with cowboy suppers back to £4.99 and Lilt at a pound.

Tyrone PSNI Plan ‘Best Staff Christmas Party Ever’ On Funds From Ballygawley Speed Camera

338-0801202454-cops-drunk-policeA Tyrone pub have confirmed they received a booking under the codename ‘The Police’ for 300 people in December, opting for the Premium Service Package (£30’000) which includes male strippers, massive German pint glasses and a live performance from a local country and western star. £35’220 was collected from the Ballygawley roundabout camera in 2014 with the promise of a few more pounds before Christmas.

Jordan’s Pub in Eglish will be packed to the rafters after owner Fonzie Jordan accepted the booking with a heavy heart as he himself was caught doing 32 in the 30mph zone last month:

“No one ever bought the Premium Service Package before so it was hard to turn down. It’ll set us up for a few months so I’ll have to bite my lip. But, 32 mph like. They’re a bunch of thieving cowboys. £60 I forked out as did everyone else in that line of motors. There must’ve been about 35 of us all travelling at that speed. I hope their sprouts aren’t too hard”

remarked Jordan with a wink and a smudge of a smile.

Jordan admitted this was not the first mass booking the pub has received in the last five years.

“a lock of years ago the Tyrone County GAA Board booked the Silver Service Package for 56 people which includes female strippers, free nuts for the tables and scented toilet freshener tablets. That put them back £24’000 which coincidentally matched the gate receipts from all club games that year. They had some craic that night and the chairman and all were wearing gold crowns and laughing at the ordinary people in the quiet bar.”

Jordan is also asking for ‘Sting’ from ‘The Police’ to phone back as soon as possible with their menu choices.

The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh

prison-bars-2Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.

Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.

A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.

Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:

“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”

Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.

Adiós Amigos.

Two Tyrone Tribulation Journalists On The Run As PSNI Clamp Down On Lies

Last known photo of Shengas and Gombeen

Last known photo of Shengas and Gombeen

It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider. 

The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.

DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:

“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”

Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:

“It’s a disgrace so it is.”

The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:

“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”

Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.

Thousands Of Tyrone Women ‘Crosser Than Normal’ In Run Up To Clooney Wedding

Clooney - rejecting the women of Tyrone

Clooney – rejecting the women of Tyrone

The NI Anger Hotline have confirmed they received 492 calls from chastised husbands since Sunday after George Clooney confirmed he is to marry in Venice in a couple of weeks.

The 53-year old actor, who rivals Pope Francis, JFK and Paddy Heaney for room space on the mantelpieces in living rooms, was still considered an eligible bachelor by the majority of hopeful women in the county.

Tom Quinn, a Derrylaughan window fitter, fumed:

“Herself has been a bear since Clooney announced his intention to marry a girl in a fortnight. She’s snapping at everything and giving me dog’s abuse for even breathing. It’s a bit humiliating like. We’ve been married 14 years and she still thought she’d win him over by taking him to Derrylaughan for a feed and a few pints.”

Clooney, who once described Plumbridge as comparable to ‘roasting delicious white marshmallows‘, has been asked to reconsider his proposal by a couple of sisters in Clady:

“George’s head is cut. He’s marrying some oul blade who’s probably after his dough. What’s wrong with Clady women? Too good for them, Clooney? If he goes ahead with this then he’s just another selfish man and I’m destroying all my copies of ER and the Oceans films.”

PSNI have urged a bus load of Dungannon women not to travel to Venice to protest outside the ceremony. The 22-strong crowd have already booked a Chambers bus and plan to set out tomorrow with placards reading ‘Clooney, You’re Acting The Dick This Time’, ‘Don’t Do It George’ and ‘No Fracking Here’.

NI Water Board Will Back Bill All Non-Domestic Ice Bucket Challenge Participants

That'll be £30'000

That’ll be £30’000

The NI Water Board are allegedly on the verge on contacting anyone who took part in the MND/ALS Ice Bucket Challenge after spending over 3000 hours scouring facebook and other media outlets for water wastage.

Categorised under the ‘non-domestic charges’, the board has scrutinised thousands of challenges and identified those which took place on farm land, business property, charity premises, churches, schools, hospitals as well as any property where the house cannot be clearly seen. Back-billing is due to commence early December, with many people being hit in the run up to Christmas.

Tyrone man Brendy Woods admitted he was distraught at the news:

“I went a bit over the top and had three digger loads of water poured over me at the uncle’s farm. Then the sister showered me with the power hose for about 10 minutes. I calculated I could be hit for £4000 at the least. I thought about contacting the MND charity for a loan of the money back but that’d be wrong. This is a nightmare.”

In a show of generosity, the NI Water Board have offered to set up direct debits for anyone who used more than £1000, allowing monthly payments of £500. CEO Patrick Volvic confirmed:

“We want to show that we can get into the spirit of things by offering this generous direct debit for anyone who went too far with the challenge. We also will turn a blind eye to the ice which also constitutes a waste of water. We’re not total killjoys and will donate £5 ourselves to the charity.”

PSNI have confirmed they are looking into threats painted on a wall in Coalisland, calling for the Water Board to be waterboarded.

 

You can donate to MND here: http://www.mndassociation.org/news-and-events/Latest+News/the-mnd-ice-bucket-challenge

 

Shock And Confusion As Tyrone Rose Admits She’s Not Gay

gay_straight_whatever_bisexual_sticker-p217088317632754087qjcl_400Following the 2014 Rose of Tralee’s public declaration that she’s gay, Tyrone Rose Bernadette Begley has quickly moved to confirm that she’s not gay and hopes the county will stand by her brave admission in the weeks ahead.

Begley, who also came clean on liking Mrs Brown’s Boys and Joe Brolly as well as eating beans with her morning fry, reckons her stance will encourage others to come forward and admit brave stuff that Ireland may not be ready to hear, in their opinion.

She added:

“Ever since I announced I was straight I’ve been getting quare looks from oul people around the county. It’s like they’re suspicious of me now that I’m not gay and in the public light. I don’t care though. It’s important that people know what my sexual preferences are, and everyone else’s. Ireland still lives in the Dark Ages, ye know, I think. Anyways I love Joe Brolly and his wee nose twitches. Feck the begrudgers.”

 

Begley’s father, an ex Commonwealth Bowls bronze medalist, wasn’t sure how the county will react:

“Aye, I’m a bit confused myself. I was sure she was gay as she never showed any signs of being different. This has come as a bit of a shock to be honest. I haven’t the heart to tell her granny. It could kill her. She’s gay herself but also harbours a dark secret too – her own mother’s a protestant. All these things are very important ye know, around here. Sure I like B*Witched”

 

The PSNI have set up a counselling hotline for anyone struggling to come to terms with other people’s life choices and natural tendencies. 

Ardboe On High Alert After Local Man Upsets Two Religious Group In Ten Minutes

Penny chews

Penny chews

Ardboe officials were said to be ‘preparing for the worst’ after local footballer Timothy McGuckian mistakenly upset two different religious groups whilst shopping in the Spar for wheaten bread and a litre of milk. Sandbags and GPS devices have been purchased in case a navy onslaught starts this weekend.

The unfortunate series of events began when McGuckian contemplated buying a few sweets for his grandson who was suffering from a bad cold at the time. On being offered a couple of penny chews by the shopkeeper, the ageing footballer remarked:

“Ah feck no, sure I hate chews. They’re annoyed wee buggers and you can’t get rid of them”.

Jewish Rabbi Fredrick Hughes, who happened to be purchasing a pound of mince at the time, mistook the word chew for an attack on his religion and immediately informed the PSNI as well as leaders in New York. Within three minutes of the first incident, McGuckian again managed to alienate another religious grouping after innocently commenting on a new brand of white bread made by local man and aspiring baker Sean Teague. Whilst feeling the breads on offer, the full forward remarked:

“ah no, not Teagues. I hate Teagues. They charge ye through the roof for a heap of dung.”

Unfortunately Fr Quinn, thinking this was an attack on his fellow worshippers, or taigs as they are referred to by non-catholics, overheard the remark and immediately ex-communicated Timothy and anyone related to him.

The Vatican are reportedly considering issuing a Papal Bull, allowing neighbouring townlands of Ballymaguigan and Moortown the religious freedom to invade Ardboe and ‘drive the heathens into the Lough’ according to a spokesman for Pope Francis. Ardboe retaliated with a promise that the area isn’t into the racism at all and it was simply a dialectal confusion. He added that there was ‘no money in racism anyway’.

Tyrone Clothing Company Faces Legal Action Over Its Equality Policies

By Aughoughilley Schnifflesold-man-laughing

RTdRkLeLcWest Tyrone based clothing company TAL is facing accusations of ‘over-equality’ policies following complaints by employees based at its Strabane premises. The firm has raised eyebrows after it posted a position for shop floor line manager, noting that a black Vietnamese protestant gay male worker would be given first preference to fill the role.

In seeking to promote positive discrimination (similar to that used by the PSNI to balance the religious representation on its force when first introduced, by giving Roman Catholic applicants an advantage with regards to filling posts), company director Martin King has tried to apply the same logic with his operations.

“It came to me in a dream while I was on a surf holiday in Bali. What our wee country needs is racial, religious and sexual equality across the board. We hope to set a new standard here. If this place is to move forward with the rest of the world we all need to be equals, just like at the beginning of that book Animal Farm” he said.

What is more apparent than the fact that Mr King did not read all of Animal Farm, is his employees have had enough. Miss Rose Parkes, from East Belfast, recently quit TAL and had some scathing words regarding Mr Kings attempts to promote a new ‘big’ society.

“He is mad in the head mate. First off he came back from his hippy adventure round the world with dreadlocks and all and just announced that all toilets were to be unisex. So, here’s me to myself – I’m not using them toilets no more. I’m gonna wait till I get home, or go to the wee bakery next door. I was never in them toilets since. He’s a sky rocket. I’d rather be waiting on a giro than put up with that muck”

Mr King told us about how Stormont could take a leaf from his book in leading the way with equal opportunity strategy, however he does concede that costs involved in implementing such procedures and policies are high.

“We had our prayer room constructed late last year, and unfortunately after we took on two great Muslim embroiderers we had to have them taken down and re-built to face the Kaaba in Mecca. That was sore on us but it’s all a learning curve for us. I introduced 9 months paternity leave to balance the male to female rights to time off following childbirth. Also, we now do not accept either man flu or period pains as a reason to stay off work. AIDS is fine though as it effects both sexes equally.”

King has had all religious holidays banned and all his workers must work Good Friday and Christmas. The company’s new range of clothing, aptly named ‘peacekeepers’, to be released next July just ahead of the marching season include “Feinhun” versatile wooly hats and poppy-lilly t-shirts; although there is still an ongoing debate as to which flower gets to be positioned on the front of the garment.

Supermoon Wreaks Havoc Across Tyrone

Supermoon - driving women mad

Supermoon – driving women mad

The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains. 

The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.

PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:

“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”

Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:

“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”

peter-canavan-dejected-1662013-390x285 copy

Artist’s impression

Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.

 

Drunk Doctor Escapes Arrest After Claiming His Dog Cycled Him To The Shop

A common sight in Strabane?

A common sight in Strabane?

A Strabane cyclist evaded jail after he claimed his dog cycled him to the shop with him on the dog’s back.

Dr Kenny Curley, a respected GP and avid cyclist, was questioned by police at 1am this morning after his local off-licence cashier reported him for being ‘blind drunk’ and ‘trying to pay for his items inside the cooling fridge’.

On arrival, PSNI Inspector McAuley noticed his mountain bike was mangled and sought permission to issue an arrest for drunken cycling. Shop worker Cathy King explained:

“He was rightly leathered, banging into walls and knocking over pyramids of beer. I noticed cuts and bruises all over his body and saw that his bike was banjaxed. It was when the doctor stepped into the fridge and tried to pay for his goods that I phoned the cops. I don’t know if he had rehearsed this but he told the policeman that his dog cycled the bike and that he climbed onto the dog’s back for the half-mile journey. And to give him credit, his dog was lying beside the bike, exhausted.”

Inspector McAuley was unable to prove the claim either way and let Dr Curley off with a stern warning that dogs probably shouldn’t be riding bikes even though it wasn’t in the Highway Code but also reminded him not to be piggybacking anyway. The inspector also demanded that McAuley walked home with his dog and cast doubt on the dog’s ability to reach the pedals but agreed to let him off this time. Dr McAuley proceeded to buy four cans of Coors.

Dr Curley’s dog, Peter the Pomeranian, remained calm throughout the whole ordeal.

Tyrone and Armagh In Amazing 12th of July Gesture

It'll sort of look like this

It’ll sort of look like this

In a proposal some are calling one of the most important peace gestures in Irish history, Tyrone and Armagh GAA boards are considering combining their potential July 12th Round 2 Qualifier clash with the Twelfth celebrations on the field of play.

The scenario will only take place if Monaghan defeat Armagh in their replayed Ulster semi-final this weekend, with bookmakers reckoning this scenario will be the likely outcome.

Both county board met yesterday to thrash out an agreement on the proposal with the following details confirmed as definite:

  • Instead of St Michael’s Enniskillen, the players will march behind a lone Lambeg drummer, playing any tune he likes
  • Both sets of players will march wearing a sash in their county colours
  • The National Anthem will be replaced by The Sash My Father Wore
  • A bonfire will be lit in the corner of the field at half time with no flags to be burnt, just rubbish and spare tyres donated by spectators
  • Free beer cans for all in attendance

Tyrone spokesman, Kenny Nelis, explained the gesture:

“We in the GAA pride ourselves with forward thinking and this is just a natural extension of that. There are other proposals we are considering so don’t take that list as a definite. There’s talk of marching back to the changing rooms after the game is over, if the players are fit for it. This will be a special day for everyone.”

A stumbling block has surfaced though as Armagh have demanded they walk their tradition route on the outside, closest to the crowd. However, Tyrone are refusing to also give up their right to the outside lane and there are concerns there’ll be a stand-off. PSNI officials have reminded both county boards that they’ll employ water cannons if an impasse is reached on this issue.

Biting On The Rise In County Since Suarez Incident

woman_bitingIn another example of the power of television having an effect on its audience, the PSNI have reported a 500% rise in biting in the county since the news broke of Uruguayan hungry-man Luis Suarez’s attempted to take a lump out of an Italian’s shoulder last week.

The most common scenario at the time of reporting appears to be wives taking lumps out of their husbands after arriving home late from the pub or social gatherings. Other examples include post men and women biting dogs, referees biting serial offenders on the field of play and irritated grandparents gnawing on boisterous children.

Drumquin painter and decorator Kieran McGahey found it hard to contain his anger at the South American’s on-field antics:

“That’s three days running I’ve come home slightly late from O’Kanes only to be met at the door by herself with her teeth stripped already. Last night it was my ear that got a touch. When will this madness end? There are fellas out there walking around with all sorts of organs dented. And it’s the women who are the worst for it. Biting like rabid animals.”

Sion Mills carpenter and Castlederg full forward Francey Lowe described the novel technique now employed by GAA referees:

“We were playing Aghaloo the other night and the ref warned me if I flailed another elbow he’d bite me. I thought he was codding but lo and behold didn’t I flail again and he comes over and bites me on the chest. I was in so much shock I let him do it too. What’s the world coming to? To be fair I fairly behaved myself after that.”

Newtownstewart priest Fr Mackle released a statement in the parish bulletin last night regarding the upsurge in biting. He stated that although he was not condoning the biting epidemic, the clergy will think long and hard about including the technique for those who don’t throw money into the basket.

Tyrone Tourism Board Accused Of Outrageous Deceit Over Beheaded Icon

Hughes, age 14?

Hughes, age 14?

The newly formed Tyrone Tourism Board have come under serious fire after it emerged they hoodwinked the entire country into visiting two memorials for Omagh medical guru, and inventor of the hypodermic syringe, Peader Hughes who they seem to claim was beheaded twice.

Hughes, who was beheaded by the Queen of England in 1710, is said to have stumbled across the syringe idea after messing about with voodoo amongst the picturesque ramparts near his home in what is now Omagh town centre. The 27 year old was beheaded and impaled on a spike in Omagh for inventing the syringe three years before the English were due to invent it.

Last year, the Tyrone Tourism Board (TTB) put his preserved head on display inside Omagh Library near the history section and subsequently put another of his heads on display, supposedly when he was 14, outside Strabane Town Hall in April of this year.

Local historian Danny O’Donnell was first to question the displays:

“I knew something wasn’t right but couldn’t put my finger on it. I’d visited both sites numerous times over the last two months and it just wasn’t sitting comfortably for me. Then it dawned on my wife, how the hell could you have beheaded a person twice, once at 14 and again at 27? It’s a money making racket and at £12.99 a visit, they made their money alright. The queues for the 14-year-old head was about half a mile long.”

TTB chairman Kieran Nelis admits they didn’t purposely attempt to deceive the public and vowed to removed the fake head as soon as they can get a van to take it away:

“I want to assure the public that this was not an attempt to make money from people. Someone approached us months ago and said he had the head of Peader Hughes when he was 14, who was beheaded Red Hugh  O’Donnell from Dunfanghy for stealing cattle from his land. It was a perfect likening for the head of Peader when he was 27 so you can understand our error. We now realise it was an impossible scenario and will refund any punters who visited the younger head if they can provide a receipt.”

PSNI investigations into the younger head are pointing in the direction of a fancy dress shop in Belfast who make false heads for Halloween.

PSNI Unearth Devious Tyrone Plans To Sabotage Down Seniors This Weekend

The old side had no need for dirty tricks

The old side had no need for dirty tricks

A swoop on a house in Kildress has unveiled detailed plans to create maximum mayhem on the Down GAA senior football team this weekend ahead of their championship opener in Omagh.

The plot, codenamed ‘Mourne Mayhem’, included the hiring of the Dungannon Silver Band to play outside an hotel on Saturday night in Omagh where James McCartan and his Down team will be staying ahead of the big game. Other subplots included asking some of the best looking women in the county, and men, to seduce certain key members of the Down squad, leaving them physically useless by the time of the throw in.

Triangle player in the Dungannon Brass Band, Declan Murtagh, admitted his conscience got the better of him and drove straight to the PSNI office this morning:

“I was finding it hard to sleep at night. About a week ago we were asked by a man in a Kildress accent to play about twenty tunes outside Silverbirch Hotel at midnight before the game. He said he’d make it worthwhile for us and would throw in boxes of Brasso for us to polish out instruments and stuff. As tempting as that was – every man loves a shiny triangle – I felt bad as my wife’s from Kilkeel. Anyway, I touted.”

PSNI detectives revealed a series of back-up plans were also concocted including getting youngsters to run up and kick important Down players on the ankle in the hotel lobby the morning of the game. Chief Superintendent Sammy Prenter admitted the idea to gather up the best looking people in the county and position them at various parts of the hotel was a clear sign of a great but devious mind:

“This group had drawn up a list of 10 people who they all thought were great-looking and were going to approach them tomorrow to lure Down players back to their hotel rooms on Saturday night and then keep them active til the early hours. It might have worked too. There’s a woman from Urney on the list who’s a real stunner as well as a man from Drumquin who would melt any man’s heart. We got there just in time.”

The Tyrone GAA management team have denied any knowledge of the plot but added that it was great to see no stone unturned.

Pensioner Cannabis Grower Thought They Were Christmas Trees

Christmas cheer?

Christmas cheer?

An Aughnacloy farmer who claims he thought he was simply growing Christmas trees in his greenhouse has been charged with manufacturing £300’000 worth of cannabis plants in six months.

Mickey Gildernew, a 66 year old gardening enthusiast and non-smoker, admitted he was surprised at the massive turnover of his Christmas tree sideline especially as it appeared to be selling just as well in July as in December. A PSNI raid revealed a further 300 cannabis indica plants ready for sale this morning.

Gildernew, who was bailed for £20, told us:

“Honest to God, my eyesight wouldn’t be deadly. I thought I was growing Christmas trees for the family and after a few boys called one day looking to buy the trees off me I decided to keep it going and churned out over 1000 trees since February. I did think it an odd time for people to be buying them and I also thought it strange that they were mostly young men with long hair buying the stuff. But, at £40 a tree I wasn’t complaining.”

Local student and chain-smoker Patsy McGleenan (19) admitted he was sad to hear of Gildernew’s demise:

“Ah I gutted to hear of Weisenhager’s arrest. We gave him that name as he was the most convincing drug baron I know. He would use code phrases like ‘putting a fairy on top’ and ‘hide your presents under it’. We hadn’t a clue what he meant but he obviously knows more about this business than we’ll ever know. With Weisenhager’s stuff off the market, it’s back to Irn Bru and Sherbet Dips for my kicks.”

Mickey ‘Weisenhager’ Gildernew will appear before a jury in December in an event due to be televised live by new national TV station IrishTv. This week there will also be a two page supplement on Christmas trees in the Tyrone Times tomorrow.

 

Stormont Outlaws Photo-bombing In Tyrone

Rebel Priest Photo-bombing

Rebel Priest Photo-bombing

In a move which has been described as ‘draconian’ and ‘pure mad’, Stormont officials have moved to ban anyone from photo-bombing in county Tyrone.

Photo-bombing, the modern phenomenon of unexpectedly dropping in behind someone being photographed, has been on the rise in the county ever since mobile phones replaced Polaroid instant cameras in 2008 as the most popular camera device in homes.

A government insider informed us today:

“Photo-bombing is a throwback to the bad old days. Our many communities don’t need this and that’s why from today anyone caught photo-bombing will be gathered up in unmarked jeeps and interned indefinitely. We want these people off the streets and Tyrone is a good place to start off as there seems to be a rash of photo-bombers all over that land. Ireland says NO to photo-bombers. We might need to re-word the Good Friday Agreement just.”

Initial reports gathered from Twitter and Facebook suggests there have already been three photo-bombers arrested – in Ardboe, Galbally and Loughmacrory, sparking outrage and spontaneous bonfires in all three regions. Galbally tourism director Jill Maguire is adamant there will be resistance to the government’s latest initiative. Using a voice-warp microphone she told us:

“Them boys sitting up in Belfast are out of order. I can’t believe Martin McGuinness has sanctioned this move, and him a serial photo-bomber at football matches and christenings. We’re sending this message out loud and clear – we will not be moved. We’ll be photo-bombing like mad tonight all over the county.”

Although rumours of a continuity photo-bombing group forming in Brocagh are wide of the mark, there has been a rash of digital cameras and balaclavas bought in Dungannon, Cookstown and Omagh today in an obvious show of defiance. PSNI have drafted in 40 UN troops to help monitor the situation. A county holds its breath.

paul g moss

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