The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains.
The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.
PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:
“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”
Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:
“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”
Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.
The world famous Cosmopolitan magazine have announced plans to scour county Tyrone in preparation a four-page article they’re doing on the latest world craze of hairy women. Italian fashion guru Matteo Cambi, who has long championed the return of hairy women on the Mediterranean catwalks, last week announced that hairy women are now in style and are being sought after for perfume and négligée adverts as well as major film roles across the continent. The good news didn’t stop there for local women as Spielberg announced he will be seeking naturally hairy women for his next blockbuster as opposed to those women who have just recently decided to not shave as the former would be more comfortable in their own skin during key tense scenes. Sources say he will arrive in Derrylaughan this weekend.
Personal agent Terry McNeill revealed that Tyrone may now become a hotspot for the multi-millionaire playboys looking for celebrity girlfriends:
“This is class news altogether. We all know how Tyrone women were never afraid to strut their stuff au naturale. Now the naturally hairy women have been finally rewarded with much-deserved recognition. This is a big two fingers to Gillette and Wilkinson Sword Quattro and the Derry women who used them. We’re proud of our hairy women and now we’ll have some job holding on to them it seems.”
Spielberg has identified the type of girl he is after in great detail. Features such as naturally bushy eyebrows, slight upper lip shadow and a healthly hairy neck are high on his list. Visible hairy legs are a must, with those possessing hairs on the back of their hands the probable highest earners. Jackie Devlin from Tattyreagh says it is the best news she has heard in years:
“I always had a notion Colin Farrell needed a real woman, someone who’ll not be sharing his shaving gel or running down the battery on his dry shaver. Jaysus, I can’t wait til get stuck into boys like Clint Eastwood. I’ll make his day, every day.”