Supermoon – driving women mad

The recent supermoon has been blamed for a series of disturbances across the county, ranging from domestic tiffs to naked dancing near the Sperrin Mountains. 

The moon, which is closer to earth than normal but won’t hit us, has also been blamed for making housewives and mothers grumpier than normal, as well as speeding up hair growth.

PSNI trainee Jack Barrow was one of the first on the scene of a pagan ritual up near Kildress around midnight:

“Yes this supermoon seems to have put their heads away around here. I chased nearly 80 locals from the field behind the chapel. They were all naked and dancing around a small bonfire and just seemed to be shouting ‘yeeeooo’ and ‘Up the Tones’, and every now and then point at the moon. Most were intoxicated too. Interestingly one of them was the priest. It’s a bit mad altogether.”

Brocagh car mechanic Seanie Dawson maintains his wife has taken grumpiness to a new level since the big moon showed up:

“She tore strips off me this morning for using the butter knife to unscrew the battery holder in the TV remote. Normally she’d just take it off me and give me a dirty look. This time she stabbed me in the shoulder 4 times and called me ‘a good for nothing oul bollocks‘. The sooner this moon is away the better. Super my arse.”

Artist’s impression

Meanwhile, men and women have both been complaining about unusual hair growth recently with a 300% spike in sales of Gillette razors in Cookstown and Omagh. Reports suggest that even Peter Canavan has been spotted sporting a few strands on his famed baldy dome.