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Tyrone and Armagh In Amazing 12th of July Gesture

It'll sort of look like this

It’ll sort of look like this

In a proposal some are calling one of the most important peace gestures in Irish history, Tyrone and Armagh GAA boards are considering combining their potential July 12th Round 2 Qualifier clash with the Twelfth celebrations on the field of play.

The scenario will only take place if Monaghan defeat Armagh in their replayed Ulster semi-final this weekend, with bookmakers reckoning this scenario will be the likely outcome.

Both county board met yesterday to thrash out an agreement on the proposal with the following details confirmed as definite:

  • Instead of St Michael’s Enniskillen, the players will march behind a lone Lambeg drummer, playing any tune he likes
  • Both sets of players will march wearing a sash in their county colours
  • The National Anthem will be replaced by The Sash My Father Wore
  • A bonfire will be lit in the corner of the field at half time with no flags to be burnt, just rubbish and spare tyres donated by spectators
  • Free beer cans for all in attendance

Tyrone spokesman, Kenny Nelis, explained the gesture:

“We in the GAA pride ourselves with forward thinking and this is just a natural extension of that. There are other proposals we are considering so don’t take that list as a definite. There’s talk of marching back to the changing rooms after the game is over, if the players are fit for it. This will be a special day for everyone.”

A stumbling block has surfaced though as Armagh have demanded they walk their tradition route on the outside, closest to the crowd. However, Tyrone are refusing to also give up their right to the outside lane and there are concerns there’ll be a stand-off. PSNI officials have reminded both county boards that they’ll employ water cannons if an impasse is reached on this issue.

Dungannon Bookmaker Fleeced After Forgetting About The Hour Forward

Toan's at 9am

Toan’s on a normal day

An absent-minded Dungannon bookmaker lost an estimated £30’000 after forgetting to put his clock forward this morning. Toan’s admitted they were caught out badly but have vowed to make up for it by laying on bets for anything going including two men running up a road.

Punters in the town were made aware of the error after early riser and chronic gambler Kieran McGahey put a bet on a race in Australia having realised Toan’s clocks were all wrong. In addition to this, due to essential maintenance work all TVs were down. Already knowing the result, he claimed a 1-2-3 forecast and pocketed himself £250 in the process. Before long, the premises were heaving with hopeful punters. Mary Corr (71) explained:

“I hadn’t set foot in a bookies in my life. I went straight from Mass to Toan’s when I got the text from one of the altar boys during the Homily to say the bookies were on the wrong time. There must’ve been 200 people squeezed into Toan’s, all putting money on Shakalakaboomboom to win the 12:30 in Melbourne, even though it was already 1:30. I can’t believe Toan himself didn’t cop on. I think he was still stocious from the Abba Tribute concert the night before.”

The penny finally dropped with Toan after 450 people phoned in to bet on an unknown footballer named Dale Carrick to score the first goal in the Hearts v Hibs Scottish league game.

“I should have known. When I saw Mary Corr in her best frock and feathered hat in the shop scribbling away on a docket I should have copped on. Even the priest himself phoned in about Dale Carrick scoring first, which he did after a few minutes of the game. I had to pay him £4000. Those bloody clocks. I still had Mamma Mia ringing around my head this morning to think straight.”

Toan has promised to recoup the money by setting up a series of bets on things like the colour of the next car to pass the shop or the woman with the biggest feet on Scotch Street etc.

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