Blog Archives
Dungannon Bookmaker Fleeced After Forgetting About The Hour Forward
Toan’s on a normal day
An absent-minded Dungannon bookmaker lost an estimated £30’000 after forgetting to put his clock forward this morning. Toan’s admitted they were caught out badly but have vowed to make up for it by laying on bets for anything going including two men running up a road.
Punters in the town were made aware of the error after early riser and chronic gambler Kieran McGahey put a bet on a race in Australia having realised Toan’s clocks were all wrong. In addition to this, due to essential maintenance work all TVs were down. Already knowing the result, he claimed a 1-2-3 forecast and pocketed himself £250 in the process. Before long, the premises were heaving with hopeful punters. Mary Corr (71) explained:
“I hadn’t set foot in a bookies in my life. I went straight from Mass to Toan’s when I got the text from one of the altar boys during the Homily to say the bookies were on the wrong time. There must’ve been 200 people squeezed into Toan’s, all putting money on Shakalakaboomboom to win the 12:30 in Melbourne, even though it was already 1:30. I can’t believe Toan himself didn’t cop on. I think he was still stocious from the Abba Tribute concert the night before.”
The penny finally dropped with Toan after 450 people phoned in to bet on an unknown footballer named Dale Carrick to score the first goal in the Hearts v Hibs Scottish league game.
“I should have known. When I saw Mary Corr in her best frock and feathered hat in the shop scribbling away on a docket I should have copped on. Even the priest himself phoned in about Dale Carrick scoring first, which he did after a few minutes of the game. I had to pay him £4000. Those bloody clocks. I still had Mamma Mia ringing around my head this morning to think straight.”
Toan has promised to recoup the money by setting up a series of bets on things like the colour of the next car to pass the shop or the woman with the biggest feet on Scotch Street etc.
Brackaville Massage Parlour Closes After One Day. Nobody Knew How To Do It.
Not as easy as first thought
By Gombeen
The new Brackaville massage parlour has permanently closed after one day’s business following the hospitalisation of all five customers yesterday. The range of injuries included broken jaw, fractured cheekbone, grade two burns and psychological damage. The owner, Mattie Campbell, admits the ambitious project probably needed a bit more thought put into it but praised the efforts of the local masseurs who gave up their time to try massaging a range of body parts on strangers:
“It didn’t really cross my mind that you’d need training for this type of thing. Surely, I thought, it was just a case of rubbing the person where they wanted with a grading system of 1-5, with 5 being roughly. Some of the lads doing the massage would be a bit heavy-handed normally around here and when Mrs Morgan said she wanted a grade 5 face massage, Tony the Rebel gave her a few digs to soften the face up a bit. Being a pensioner, Morgan’s bones were a bit brittle and the doctor says she’ll be off the drinking through straw in five weeks or so.”
Campbell knew he needed to close the venture after just six hours trading when the screams coming from Room 2, the hot stones treatment, set off the alarm system.
“Wee Jane Lyons was looking after the hot stones. She just grabbed a few boulders from the quarry, stuck them in the microwave for 20 minutes and using a pair of tongs loaded them on top of Fr Hughes’ back. I’ve never heard a priest curse before. He was ‘damn it to hell this’ and ‘holy mother of Jaysus that’. Dr King says the scars might be permanent so we’ll pray for him, definitely.”
The Brackaville Massage Parlour will have one more fight on their hands as Tessie O’Neill (66) from Clonoe is suing them for psychological damage after asking for a Swedish Oil Massage. She lay in the dark with a towel around her, opened her eyes only to be met with Kevin Earley dressed as one of the boys from Abba squirting a canister of Esso Lawnmower Oil at her, singing Waterloo.
Tyrone Tribulations 