The new Brackaville massage parlour has permanently closed after one day’s business following the hospitalisation of all five customers yesterday. The range of injuries included broken jaw, fractured cheekbone, grade two burns and psychological damage. The owner, Mattie Campbell, admits the ambitious project probably needed a bit more thought put into it but praised the efforts of the local masseurs who gave up their time to try massaging a range of body parts on strangers:
“It didn’t really cross my mind that you’d need training for this type of thing. Surely, I thought, it was just a case of rubbing the person where they wanted with a grading system of 1-5, with 5 being roughly. Some of the lads doing the massage would be a bit heavy-handed normally around here and when Mrs Morgan said she wanted a grade 5 face massage, Tony the Rebel gave her a few digs to soften the face up a bit. Being a pensioner, Morgan’s bones were a bit brittle and the doctor says she’ll be off the drinking through straw in five weeks or so.”
Campbell knew he needed to close the venture after just six hours trading when the screams coming from Room 2, the hot stones treatment, set off the alarm system.
“Wee Jane Lyons was looking after the hot stones. She just grabbed a few boulders from the quarry, stuck them in the microwave for 20 minutes and using a pair of tongs loaded them on top of Fr Hughes’ back. I’ve never heard a priest curse before. He was ‘damn it to hell this’ and ‘holy mother of Jaysus that’. Dr King says the scars might be permanent so we’ll pray for him, definitely.”
The Brackaville Massage Parlour will have one more fight on their hands as Tessie O’Neill (66) from Clonoe is suing them for psychological damage after asking for a Swedish Oil Massage. She lay in the dark with a towel around her, opened her eyes only to be met with Kevin Earley dressed as one of the boys from Abba squirting a canister of Esso Lawnmower Oil at her, singing Waterloo.