Temperatures in Carrickmore were said to be finally cooling this morning after several WeightWatcher customers complained that the scales were wrong, confirming suspicions for some that organizers were deliberating making sure locals ‘didn’t lose too much weight’ in case they left it.
PSNI representatives were called after the main scales were shattered into many pieces as up to ten slimmers took to destroying the piece of equipment with cudgels and their own steel toe-capped boots. Henry McCallan, a first-timer at the session, explained what happened to the weighing aparatus:
“Aye, they kicked the shite out of it.”
WeightWatchers have yet to confirm whether or not they will return to Carrickmore, citing evidence that this apparently happened before with Slimming World. Company CEO Patrick Lyons confirmed:
“Before we set foot in Carrickmore, we knew it was a risky business. Slimming World were famously burned out of the village after their scales showed that seven people had gained one pound in weight that week, despite all of them saying they had cut out chips and replaced them with skinnier fries. Every weighing session here is like a stand-off between organizers and customers. I am deadly afraid of someone putting on 3-4 pounds in case they put me through the wall.”
Kelly Wilkinson, who has been attending WW since 2007, added:
“It’s a buckin scam. I was 12 stone in 2007. I’m 12 stone 1 now. Sure how can that make any sense? Everyone knows bars of chocolate are smaller now and bags of crisps have less in them. They’re trying to tell me I just have bigger hands. I’m quitting and going on the Atkins Diet.”
WW have proposed a radical weighing method where they tie ropes to slimmers and hoist them up on pulleys and use heavy weights at the other end to measure any weight changes more accurately. This will also render the slimmer harmless as they hang in the air, hopefully calmed by the time they hit the ground.