An experimental device aimed at precisely identifying the time husbands leave a pub in Coalisland will be activated this weekend during a month-long trial run.
Hawkeye, a complex computer system used officially in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, and soccer, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a record of its statistically most likely path as a moving image, has been adapted to signify human movement outside the pub, with the results directly fed back to anyone wearing the special sensor watch, in this case the plethora of doubting wives in Coalisland.
Mary Coleman, who initially championed the idea after her husband repeatedly told her he left the pub at 1am every night despite probably rolling in at a suspected 4am, added:
“This’ll solve the arguments for once and for all. The majority of us wemen are usually fast asleep by midnight so there’s no knowing what time they left the pub at. But he’d have a deadly head on him in the morning despite saying he left the bar at 1am. I reckon they’re heading to a house for more beer. Hawkeye 2.0 will clear up the mystery.”
Kieran Coleman, who has been married to Mary for 33 years, reckons Hawkeye should be unmercifully ripped off the pub’s outside pillar as soon as the owner’s back is turned:
“This is just PC gone mad. Next they’ll be having umpires standing at the door of the house waving a red flag if you’re a good bit later than closing time or a green one if you make it on time. Not only will Hawkeye meet a sorry end this weekend, that watch of hers will be trampled to smithereens if it goes off prematurely and maybe me sitting in the living room watching Pointless. I’ve heard of a ref’s watch buzzing three days after a point at Croke Park which was waved wide at the time.”
Mrs Coleman reminds wives that the special Hawkeye sensor watches can be bought outside Landi’s for £29.99.
County Tyrone’s highest-ranked tennis player, Connor Muldoon from Dregish, has once again failed to make it to the final stages of Wimbledon.
Whilst official world rankings only include the top 1,000 players, it is believed that Muldoon, whilst number 1 in Tyrone, ranks approximately 6-millionth in the world. He tried to enter this year’s Wimbledon tournament on the wild card entry system, but was rejected on the grounds of not having the necessary funds to travel to London, lack of an authenticated playing record, and for not having a tennis racquet.
“I’m devastated”, said the forlorn player. “I really thought that this was going to be my year. With Roger Federal and the other one already knocked out, I could have gone all the way. If I had just got in in the first place”.
Muldoon was originally tipped to win the tournament by bookies in Omagh as somewhat of an outsider at odds of 10,000,000 to 1.
“That proves my point, see?” said Muldoon. “A 1 in 10 million chance. That means even the bookies think I’ve got a chance. And they haven’t even seen me play. I’m deadly. And thon strawberries and cream are quare. I’d be horsin’ them into them by the punnet. I’d fit right in. And I reckon I could take thon Venus brothers on and give them a right going over”.
Muldoon had plenty of advice to offer the current contenders.
“I’ve been watching the technique of thon Scotch boy Andy Murdoch, and he’s vulnerable”, he said. “When he hits the ball with the bat thing he’s not hitting it hard enough. He should hit it harder. I can hit the ball really hard. They’re my favourites. Bang! Like that. Mighty. And he needs to work on his tantrums. They’re not tantrums. I’ll show him tantrums. If thon referee called one of my hits out I’d drag him off his big ladder and cut the lining out of him. I’d stick that Hawkeye yolk right up his arse. That’d learn him”.
“I’m definitely going to win Wimbledon next year”, said a determined Muldoon. “Once I learn the rules there’ll be no stopping me”.