A group of European scientists have confirmed that people from Loughmacrory live longer and are also more rampant at night. This revelation came as no surprise to the locals who have kept their longevity and virility a secret for fear of outsiders inter-breeding with them and damaging their golden gene pool. The report also suggested that those who lived on farms in Loughmacrory were particularly romantic at all times in the day. Retired headmaster, Hugh McAleese, admitted that although he was happy to see their name on the world map, he was also wary of boys from Omagh, Tattyreagh or America attempting to attract their girls such was their new-found reputation.
“We’ve known this for years. I’m 121 and have no signs of wear and tear. The average age here is about 76. My father had no record of birth but he reckoned he was over 150 by the time he succumbed to a hunting accident. Although there were only 14 in our family he was said to have fathered 60-odd around the country. He was a farmer and there seems to be a correlation between farming and copulation. Them farming girls would be running around buck naked after lads all time of the day. I think it’s the smell of silage and the noises from the livestock. By all accounts, my da was as randy as they come,” McAleese said before offering a seductive wink.
McAleese put forward his theory that because most farming house had no upstairs, it left the farmers with more energy at night not having to climb a flight of 12 steps or so like those houses in Mountfield or Creggan.
“Speaking from personal experience, I went from a three-story house in Drumnakilly to a small farming bungalow at home after I inherited my father’s farm. The wife saw some change in me. I’d come in at six, slap the dinner into me and sure most of the time we just lay down on the spot. We didn’t know whether we were coming or going with all the antics we’d be at. Long healthy lifestyle, endless horizontal dancing – we’ve the life of it in Loughmacrory. C’mere and give us a kiss ye wee cat.”
The Northern Ireland Tourist Board are looking into the potential of a tourism hotspot for stag and hen nights but are sure to meet resistance in the village. In 1996, a similar attempt to tap into the area’s mysticism saw a government official stripped and superglued to a gable wall outside the pub.
It has just been confirmed that the two remaining Aghyaran pensioners – Edna Hughes and Johnny O’Neill – have fallen out and are refusing to even mention each others’ names. Due to the high percentage of greenhouse gases produced by the highly flatulent cattle in the ara, life expectancy in the Aghyaran area has remained almost constant since the 1600s at around 40 for a man and 45 for a woman. Hughes (67) and O’Neill (66) hold almost celebrity status in the area such is their longevity, often opening pitches together or attending functions as guests of honour. Hughes and O’Neill are also the last surviving speakers of an almost-extinct West Tyrone dialect called Eoghainish. However, it looks like the locals will not hear a conversation in that tongue for the time being.
“He’s an ignorant fcuker”, Edna told us earlier. “We’d often meet up for a game of bridge or sing songs in Eoghainish but he was always correcting me in my grammar and pronunciation. Just because his father was a schoolmaster he thinks he knows it all. Well, I’ve had enough of his guff. He’s nothing without me. He might think he has the brains but I have the looks. I’m glad to be rid of him. He was always winking at me and making innuendos so I’ll not be missing that. I wouldn’t pish on him to put him out.”
O’Neill was equally adamant that he’ll not be making the first move at reconciliation. Speaking after collecting his pension from the PO, he said:
“I’ve not had a better day than today. Any day not having to look at that maggot-ridden hoor’s face is a good day in my book. I couldn’t stick the unyielding stench anyway. You’d think a woman of that age would wash the odd week. ‘Bini Bacht Gassan Yuru Ata Ici’ is an old Eoghainish phrase my da used to say – ‘there’s no sore ass like your own sore ass’. I don’t need another sore ass to be thinking about.”
The families of both issued a statement advising the media to stay well clear of the row as historically it ends in a bloodbath.