Christmas In Tyrone?

With record December temperatures showing no sign of abating, Strabane Council have revealed plans to put on a free ‘Turkey on the Barbie in Strabane’ on Christmas Day, placing the West Tyrone town on a par with Bondi Beach and Kenya during the festive period.

In a further development, Strabane linguist Jonathan Hinney maintains he is a shade darker than he was a week ago, attributing the sudden tanning to the warmer climes experienced in the province during the last few weeks.

Hinney explained:

“There has definitely been a change in my appearance since last week. I’ve been doing a lot of outside loitering and gaunching about recently and I think the exposure has had an effect, making me the first Irishman to get a tan in Ireland, naturally, in winter since records began in Castlederg in 1855. Strabane is currently a mild outdoor sunbed.”

In a loosely related incident, Hinney’s shower has been banjaxed during the same period, casting serious doubts on his tanning claims.

Meanwhile, the Strabane open-air Christmas Day turkey barbecue has already sold 38 tickets, despite claims from locals that the council got a bit too excited the day the temperature hit 15 degrees Celsius.

Lord Mayor Linda Shelley has pleaded with locals to trust their judgement:

“We have it on good authority from Frank Mitchell that it’ll be in the mid-20s on Christmas Day. I urge Strabanonians to ditch their jumpers and coats and don their finest swimwear and put the Aussies to shame. Global warming is not all bad, is it.”

Hugo Duncan has yet to confirm rumours that he’ll be lighting the barbecue wearing only a pair of tight red trunks.