A summer’s day in Ardboe

A source from within the European Championship winning Portugal management team has revealed that their manager, Fernando Santos, made a panicked call to an unnamed lough shore manager at half time during their final match against the host nation France.

Santos, who holidayed in Ardboe regularly during the 80s and names eel as his favourite fish, was concerned that the infestation of moths in the Paris stadium was affecting his players and hoped that the experience of dealing with midges on the shores of Lough Neagh could be passed on to his squad.

Our source added:

“He was out of his mind but found a pay phone outside the changing rooms and urgently telephoned an Irish number. He seemed to know him well as he put on an Irish accent and I heard Fernando say at one stage, ‘Ghost-oh Jaysus boys the moths are tarra, Patsy’. His team talk after the call will live in my memory forever”

Santos immediately called the players into a huddle and gave them the most important advice of their young sporting lives:

“It transpired that the advice given by the east Tyrone manager was to ‘ate the bastes’ whilst you’re playing. Ronaldo asked, in Portuguese, what the hell that meant, even though he wasn’t playing at that stage. Santos explained that ‘ate the bastes’ meant to devour the moths as you play as it reduced their numbers as well as providing constant nutritional benefits. He mumbled something about it not doing Brian McGuigan any harm, whoever the hell he is.”

Portugal went on to win 1-0 in extra time, sparking wild celebrations in Porto, Lisbon and Dungannon.