Jordan in happier times

Benburb erotic fiction writer, Jack Jordan, was fined £20 and warned about his future conduct after he was caught ‘zig-zagging all over the place’ and ‘singing his head off’ on his Mountfield 1430M Lawn Tractor yesterday evening on the Clonfeacle Road.

Jordan, 44, has also been enrolled on a 6-week drink-awareness programme in the Moy in order to curb the desire to commit the same offence again. Strawberry pickers in an adjacent field alerted the police after they witnessed an inebriated man revving his lawnmower ‘a wee bit more than normal’.  Sarah Mullan told us:

“I was picking away when I heard a loud engine sound flashing up the Clonfeacle Road. He must’ve been doing, say, 7mph like. Then the terrible truth was laid bare when I saw Jack, full out of his head on brandy probably, slurring his way through ‘The Black Velvet Band’ at the wheel of his Mountfield 1430M. I was at my wits end thinking of the damage he could do on that. Mrs Glackin up the road has a lovely bed of daisies outside her front hedge. Jack was capable of obliterating the whole lot in this form so I phoned the cops who arrived before any carnage was committed.”

Initially, Jordan defended the accusations vehemently, insisting that Mrs Hughes had just given him ‘a nip of the craytur’ for mowing her bushes in her back field. The breathalyser indicated he was 20 times over the tractor lawnmower limit after which he admitted he’d downed a bottle of Bush as well as a few ‘glasses of stout’ whilst making a hames of Hughes’ field.

“I was only making the short half a mile journey home sure on the Mountfield. All these bloody do-gooders in Benburb would sicken your happiness. That Mullan girl never liked my singing.”

Jordan will attend the lawn-mower drink-awareness programme after Easter and is at present the only person enrolled.