BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Docherty in his pomp

A teacher at a school in Eglish has become the county’s first to achieve a full-scale breakdown this year, barely a fortnight into the new school term, accusing the pupils of sustained codology.

It took the GCSE science class only 8 school days to wear down Master Docherty who teaches science and biology at St Roger’s Secondary School in Eglish, to phone in long-term sick, a record in the county and possibly the whole of Ulster. The previous record in the county was 4 weeks achieved by a female Killyman teacher who bulldozed a bus shelter during break time, singing ‘School’s Out For Summer’ in Irish.

Pupil antics included making ‘yeooooo’ sounds when his back was turned, sticking notes on his back saying ‘I’m a oul glipe’ and nailing a trout to the underside of his table, leaving a horrible stench for five days.

46-year old Docherty, reportedly instructed pupils during Tuesday’s biology lesson to, “quietly read the four chapters on ‘Plants and their Properties’ and to do so without asking any questions or making any noise whatsoever or I’ll take the heads clean off yis all”, before putting his own head down on the desk for the remainder of the lesson without looking up. Unconfirmed reports said that quiet sobbing could be heard from behind the desk. He was later seen wandering about the school grounds without shoes.

“He cited ‘heavy flu’ in his sick note, but we all know what that means”, said school headmaster Padraig Boyle with a wink. “If flu symptoms include bursting into floods of tears, weeping about how hard it is to build your self-confidence and hiding in the storeroom, then sure, flu it is!”

He went on,

“You have to hand it to the kids. It’s a triumph, and to achieve it so quickly into the new term is testament to the commitment and perseverance of some of the pupils here at St Rogers’s. Normally they take a good few months to break a teacher, but not my lot. And he wasn’t one of thon temp teachers who are easy meat. Docherty was a seasoned professional, 15 years as a secondary school teacher. Sterling stuff from the youngsters”.

Suggestions that teachers going on long-term sick leave in record-breaking time might not necessarily be a good thing were met with perplexity by the unorthodox head.

“That’s typical of the media these days. You expect cubs to achieve something and then you knock them down once they do it. Are you wise? These youngsters have demonstrated thoughtfulness, tenacity, and persistence in working as a group to comprehensively destroy this man’s self-esteem. And you say that’s not a ‘proper’ accomplishment? Don’t forget that the challenge of getting an emotional response from teachers is even greater these days for the pupils. It has restored my faith in them anyway”.

Negotiations between Boyle and RTE for the school to appear on a new programme, ‘Educating Tyrone’, a fly on the wall documentary, have been put on hold indefinitely.