Draconian Ardboe Lord Mayor ‘Out Of Control’
A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.
Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:
“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”
Other laws brought back included
- Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
- Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
- ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
- Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
- Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday
McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:
“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”
Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.