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Draconian Ardboe Lord Mayor ‘Out Of Control’

Can't kiss Ardboe wemen

Can’t kiss Ardboe wemen

A small loughshore community were today said to be living in fear from a ruthless Lord Mayor who has re-enacted centuries-old laws he discovered in a library in Magherafelt during the summer. Pa Forbes, who was unanimously voted in early in the year, cannot be replaced until 2016, sparking fears of a mass exodus to places like Moortown of Brocagh.

Yasser McCluskey explained the daily torture of the average Ardbonian:

“That man’s mental. I just saw there this morning on his Facebook page that he has now enforced a ruling from the 14th century – that it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman. I was walking down the Kilmascally Road there now and you could hear he buzzing of shavers coming from the houses. Forbes knows rightly every Ardboe man has a moustache.”

Other laws brought back included

  • Illegal to wear underwear to Post Office
  • Legal for a man to relieve himself in a bar, standing up, after 9pm
  • ex-prisoners to ride around on a horse in daylight
  • Moortown men can be shot with a bow and arrow except on Sundays
  • Only married women can use a parachute on a Sunday

McCluskey reckons Forbes has to be stopped before Ardboe becomes a ghost village:

“That rule last week was the final straw. He outlawed eating more than three sandwiches at a wake. Poor Tom Coney was lifted by the cops at Maggie Daly’s wake for eating four egg sandwiches. The worst thing was – someone touted on Coney. Ardboe has couped.”

Lord Mayor Forbes told reporters he has not ‘lost the run of himself’ whilst trotting down the Ardboe Road in a golden carriage pulled by three bare-chested fishermen serenading him with ‘Johnson’s Motorcar’.

Ardboe Man Arrested For Directing Traffic Away From The Village

Ardboe poet, James Coyle, was seeking bail this evening after being arrested for illegal traffic directing near his own house, for the last four weeks. The frustrated writer admitted to buying “one of them luminous yellow work jackets and trousers” and getting up at 7am each morning to stop all traffic from driving through the centre of Ardboe for 28 consecutive days.

“I had a fair idea something was wrong,” local shopkeeper Henry Coney told us. “I hadn’t seen a car since August and had only sold 20 Irish News, 16 pan loaves, 3 bulbs and a few litres of milk since school started. I knew James was annoyed that no one had attended his open house poetry reading session in The Battery but what did he expect? The last poet in Ardboe was chased out of it for coming over that oul fancy talk. There’s no place for that here. Ghost oh, sure Heaney wouldn’t last thirty seconds here.”

Coyle at work

A close relative of Coyle told us of James’s recent heartache in recent months and can understand why he decided to deprive the rest of Ardboe of any trade.

“Coyle wasn’t good at the fishing and was fired from his job working for Quinn Construction because he couldn’t dig a hole. He’d also been turned down repeatedly by Cookstown District Council after applying for a fuel hardship grant, dog kennel registration, pig-letting license and a caravan site application. Then he took to writing poems and sent a hand-written invite to every house in Ardboe for a reading session in the pub and no one turned up. The Battery’s usually full on a Friday too.”

It now seems that Coyle decided if he wasn’t earning any money then the rest of Ardboe’s business people wouldn’t get a penny either. By simply standing on the road in to the village every morning with a shovel, yellow jacket and a stop sign, he directed every motor towards Brocagh since the 27th of August. He was arrested when, whilst he took a toilet break,  the postman finally broke through to find out the roads were in perfect working order. Police arrived before he was almost lynched by local tradesmen who shouted abuse at him such as ‘the oul poety bollocks’ and ‘typical of them there Coyles’. The trial continues.

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