Ballinderry native, Jake Bateson, was quietly bundled into the boot of a Ford Cortina and driven to a remote Sperrin location after being unveiled as a Derry spy making basic notes on the impressive new Tyrone sporting venue.

Officials were alerted to his presence after a series of unusual actions finally identified him as a rock solid Derry man, particularly from the loughshore. Garvaghey Centre chief bouncer Henry Harte explained:

“As soon as he walked in I was suspicious, like as if he was trying too hard. He was wearing a 1986 Tyrone top and kept shouting ‘there’s no London in Tyrone’. GAA president Liam O’Neill looked a bit startled. Then during the tour he kept taking photos of everything, even the toilets. It was all just a bit weird. There were a lot of important men in suits perturbed.”

Initial suspicions were confirmed as soon as the main dignitaries took to the stage during the official opening:

“We were keeping a close eye on him at this stage. Whereas other journalists were using laptops, this fellow took out a page and a red crayon. Then he produced an abacus and counted the number of speakers by moving a bead along. He was also facing the wrong way. Classic signs of a Derry native.”

On eviction, Bateson wept openly, claiming he was sent by ‘Men from Owenbeg’ and tried to cut a lock off Brian Dooher’s hair.