Artist’s impression of Tyrone 2040

A recent survey has predicted that Tyrone will be riddled with spinsters in 40 years after it revealed that only 43% of single women aged 18-45 in the county have good road frontage, an important factor in attracting Tyrone men.

Road frontage, where your land is bounded by a road and therefore ready for sale as sites for houses, was once a necessity for any girl looking for a hand in marriage in Ireland. This survey suggests the majority of women have either decided on a path of singledom or there has been a rise in lesbianism or religious orders.

29 year old Loughmacrory woman Jenny Wisdom explained her decision:

“I was aware of the road frontage rules but to be honest I want a man who likes me for me and not if there’s a good road with land on my site. Unfortunately the men around here aren’t as philosophical. I won Miss Wrangler Jeans here in 2009 so I have the looks but as soon as men hear I only have a garden in a housing estate they just make up some excuse and walk away. It’s demoralising.”

Pastor John McConville has warned women that they’ll be left on the scrapheap if they don’t start looking for appropriate land as soon as they finish schooling:

“The women have taken their eye off the ball. Here in my ministry I only married three couples last year. We’re losing out in important funds and the girls are looking at sitting in a rocking chair at 65, talking to themselves. Schools need to educate their female students on the importance of road frontage before Tyrone becomes a barren land as men head north to Derry.”

The survey also revealed a drop in corned beef dinners in favour of ready meals.