Fell from space?

BY PAT MUCKLES

Archaeologists in Coalisland have unearthed what appears to be a roundabout in the centre of the town. The discovery ends decades of speculation about whether a traffic management system ever existed in the historic home of coal and chips.

The expert archaeologist, whom some know personally as the long-haired man from Coast, made a statement last night confirming everyone’s suspicions:

“After months of back-breaking work, sore knees and lunch time pints in Baldos, we can confirm the existence of a type of circular intersection in which road traffic is slowed and flows almost continuously in one direction.  It’s an incredible find”.

For years, the origin of the mound was a source of conflicting reports. We caught up with local historian Barney ‘Billiards Barney’ O’Neill who shed some light on the subject:

“Some in the town thought it an ancient burial ground; some say it’s the by-product of years of tractor diffing; a few think it’s the top of a giant snooker ball that fell from space on the day Dennis Taylor was born. Me personally, I believe it to be the resting place of Red Hugh, the five times South Tyrone cock fighting champion”.

As the word of the roundabout spread across town, not everyone was as upbeat. Dicky McGeary, of Plater’s Hill in the town and all-round pessimist, gave his views of the finding.

“I’ve been driving for 30 odd years and never had call for a roundabout and I can’t see me using one now. Using them indication lights is one thing but I draw the line at turning circles. Drive her like you stole her, that’s what I say”

Local trader Eddie McGee of Main Street added:

“Roundabout? What a load of auld dung.”

At the time of writing Tribulations are unsure of what this will mean for the drivers of Coalisland. We tried to reach the DoE Roads Dept for some insight but were told that the entire team were in Ardboe looking at a hole.