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Ronnie O’Sullivan May Retire To Coalisland
Ronnie ‘The Rocket’ O Sullivan has been linked with a move to the bubbling metropolis of Coalisland, after residents reported seeing him enter Mc Glone and Mc Cabe property specialists and stopping to sign a few autographs for the kids.
It is believed Ronnie and his wife are interested in renting a property in the Mountcairn area of the town, while waiting on planning permission to convert the former RUC station into a luxury five million pound home complete with pool and pool table (in different rooms).
We understand that after a conversation with Dennis Taylor about the love that he still holds for his home town, ‘The Rocket’ was tempted to take a look for himself. Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that Ronnie had already visited Gervin’s snooker hall, where Mr Taylor plied his trade in his formative years, and is keen to get a funny picture of himself on the wall beside the Steve Davis one. His relocation was hugely influenced by the proximity of the former barracks to a thriving snooker hall, and the lure of free ‘park and walk’ facilities literally anywhere round the town- day or night.
Ronnie was also snapped by locals, wolfing down a Philly cheese steak at Landi’s restaurant which he clearly enjoyed and was even very grateful for the free dozen or so chips he got with it, informing staff that ‘you just don’t get that in England.’
Ronnie’s family are also keen on the move, with his young son Ronnie junior very excited about schooling at St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon especially now that its mixed and there are plenty of girls to mingle with.
“Jeez, they’ll go mad for the wee hoor’s accent”
admitted St Patrick’s Academy’s new principal Patsy Sweeney who was voted in with help from a recent surge in far right Dungannon polling.
Maisy Dooey, next door but one from the former police station, was happy to have a few words with us:
“Ach, sure it’ll be great to see the oul barracks tuck down. I’m fed up looking at all the Republican stuff on the front of her…”
When quizzed about the prospect of new neighbours from England, she added
“aye, lucksee, sure it’s one set of Brits not long out, and a new set moves in. Let’s hope these ones aren’t as noisy. I’d say they will love how close they are to the lough, y’know with young childer an all that, apart from all the flies. Throw me over them weishing pegs will you, I’ve a load just finished spin cycle there”
The Rocket O’Sullivan’s good friend Ronnie Wood of Rolling Stones’ fame is also reputedly very familiar with Coalisland, having never missed an International Music Festival held there since its inception in 1994, reportedly enjoying the Polish bands’ dancing, and drinking down the line till the wee hours.
Ronnie was last seen outside the barber shop, staring in the window for some time as if looking in a mirror, until the proprietor came out and chased him.
Archaeologists Find Roundabout In Coalisland
Fell from space?
BY PAT MUCKLES
Archaeologists in Coalisland have unearthed what appears to be a roundabout in the centre of the town. The discovery ends decades of speculation about whether a traffic management system ever existed in the historic home of coal and chips.
The expert archaeologist, whom some know personally as the long-haired man from Coast, made a statement last night confirming everyone’s suspicions:
“After months of back-breaking work, sore knees and lunch time pints in Baldos, we can confirm the existence of a type of circular intersection in which road traffic is slowed and flows almost continuously in one direction. It’s an incredible find”.
For years, the origin of the mound was a source of conflicting reports. We caught up with local historian Barney ‘Billiards Barney’ O’Neill who shed some light on the subject:
“Some in the town thought it an ancient burial ground; some say it’s the by-product of years of tractor diffing; a few think it’s the top of a giant snooker ball that fell from space on the day Dennis Taylor was born. Me personally, I believe it to be the resting place of Red Hugh, the five times South Tyrone cock fighting champion”.
As the word of the roundabout spread across town, not everyone was as upbeat. Dicky McGeary, of Plater’s Hill in the town and all-round pessimist, gave his views of the finding.
“I’ve been driving for 30 odd years and never had call for a roundabout and I can’t see me using one now. Using them indication lights is one thing but I draw the line at turning circles. Drive her like you stole her, that’s what I say”
Local trader Eddie McGee of Main Street added:
“Roundabout? What a load of auld dung.”
At the time of writing Tribulations are unsure of what this will mean for the drivers of Coalisland. We tried to reach the DoE Roads Dept for some insight but were told that the entire team were in Ardboe looking at a hole.
Dennis Taylor And Darren Clarke To Slug It Out In All-Tyrone Wrestling Contest
Artist’s impression of the ‘Fray in Tattyreagh’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Speculation continued to grow last night that a grudge 1970s-style wrestling match is to be held between son of Coalisland snooker superstar Dennis Taylor and Dungannon-born golfing supremo Darren Clarke.
Local fight promoter Barney O’Connor said,
“Controversy has raged since Clarke won the Open in 2011 about which of these two world champion athletes is the best. And there’s really only one sensible and transparent way to objectively resolve it, and that’s getting the two of them to bate seven shades of shite out of each other in a no-holds-barred slug-fest marathon. We need to sort this out for once and for all. They probably hate each other.”
After failing to secure a booking at the world-famous fight venue Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, O’Connor advised that the event will now be held in Tattyreagh Community Centre at the end of September. Sources close to Taylor and Clarke however, confirmed that neither sportsman knew anything about the fight or that they would want anything to do with it.
“Aye, that’s right”, said O’Connor with a grin, whilst winking and tapping the side of his nose. “Neither sportsmen know anything about it. Course they don’t. But these two have got form at wrestling. Don’t you forget it. When Clarke was playing Tiger Woods for the world title in California in 2000, he gave Tiger a ‘Big Darren Splash’ when they were both stuck in the bunker on the 16th. Why do think Woods lost his form in recent years? His ribs are still killing him. And Taylor’s no better. During a break away from the cameras just before the last frame of the World Championship in the 1985 final, Dennis gave Steve Davis a forehand chop, got him in a half-nelson and then finished with a pile driver by jumping off one of the practice tables onto his head. No wonder Davies lost. You’ve heard of the famous Mohammed Ali and George Foreman fight, the Rumble in the Jungle? Well, this’ll be the Fray in Tattyreagh. Class”.
Speculation increased further last night, when a man wearing funny glasses was reportedly seen going into shops in Coalisland Main Street and asking if they sold colourful leotards ‘for the larger gentleman’.
Tyrone Tribulations 