Typical Moortown headmaster

Under new directives from the “Make Tyrone Spake Better” committee, all primary schools in the country have been instructed to punish children who persist with local words in 2013/2014, including ‘foundered’, ‘ghost oh’, ‘gutties’, ‘yousuns’, ‘oul’ and ‘blade’ amongst others. Chairman Winston Carberry, a born-again posh man from Brackaville, told us:

“How are we expected to produce brain surgeons or lawyers when we’re coming out with words no one else understands? An Omagh doctor working in London recently got his P45 after telling his first patient that he was going to perform a prostrate examination. Apparently it’s inappropriate to say “Here boy, whisht, I’m gonna footer with yer arse, lean fernenst thon gable“. He was on the plane back to Tyrone that evening. I blame the primary schools.”

Primary schools in Ardboe, Moortown and parts of Brocagh have begun writing alternatives to ‘ghost oh’ on the blackboards. If told something interesting, loughshore youngsters are to utter phrases such as ‘Oh My Gosh’ or ‘Jumping Jiminy’ although Carberry accepts that teething problems are expected initially.

“Yes, we expect some resistence at first, especially in the East: Spuds are to be called potatoes, not pitters; no more use of ‘afeard’; face instead of ‘bake’; ‘he tuk the head clane aff him’ to be replaced with ‘they had a scuffle’. This will take time and we need the parents on board if little Johnny is to become a barrister.”

The Ardboe Historical Society’s Wille Quinn says they will fight the new directives:

“A loada balls. What clift made this up?”

Punishment for reverting to local language will range from a three decades of the rosary to cleaning staff toilets.

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