Mike, what are your fondest memories of your time in Tyrone?

Where’s that?

Tyrone, it’s in Ireland 

I was never in Ireland

Yes, you were.  In 1987.  You opened a youth boxing Gym in Omagh. You gave medals out to a ladies football team in Cookstown. You wrapped a Ferrari around a lamp post in Castlederg.  Your tiger had to be shot with a dart in Edendork Primary School playground. It was on CNN and everything…

Oh yeah.  I remember…  those were crazy days man.  I partied for weeks straight back then.  My memory is a little hazy.  I once called the Pope ‘Bono’ live on TV.  That got me into hot water.  Ireland… Tyrone, yeah, I remember.  It was COLD man.… What was that guy’s name, the guy with the real thick glasses… ?

Dennis Taylor?

Arty someone

Art McCrory?

That’s it. Big Art. He got me doing laps with the senior guys’ ball team, and had me show them how to throw a left hook and catch the chin on the way back with your elbow.  That guy was ace.  He got me eating seals meat and everything.  Very chewy but pure protein.  Was great.  Was the only solid to pass my lips for a fortnight.

You mean eels?

Eels!  That was it.  Man good times.  I also battered a man in a bar ‘cause he called me Michael Jordan.  I mean Jordan was only in high school in ’87.  He wasn’t even famous.  That hurt me.

The Battery Bar?

What?

Never mind… what did you think of the Tyrone women?

Ah maaaan.  Rough! Hard as boots man.  I mean pretty, but they took no shit. This one time, a chick said she would bet me quarter of a million dollars she could do more press ups than me.  She couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight.  I mean I was world champ, the baddest man on the planet, and here was this little thing challenging me… by the time I stopped laughing, I got straight down and did like 150 in one go.  All the old guys in the bar just nodded and sat back in their stools.  One turned his cap backwards.  I left the bar when her count was at 650 and left a cheque for her.  They hammered my car on the way out.  I was later told she was broke and got to 1000 before they stopped her.

Anything else for us, this is good stuff Mike…

Man.  I can’t remember much of them days now man.  My brain was frazzled a lot of the time.  I do recall my last day in Ireland waking up under a big stone cross beside a huge big puddle…

Lough Neagh, Ardboe?

What?

Never mind, please go ahead…

Yeah, well this big black cloud of flies came at me, and I thought it was like the spirit of death or something.  I bailed into a truck and paid a local $500 to take me straight to Dublin airport.  I dint even go to collect my clothes or anything.  That was a hairy hangover.  I don’t know how you guys stick it there.  And the cold.  Man it was freezing the whole time.

It was August Mike, there was a heat wave that year.

Well, I won’t be back in a hurry.  No wonder you guys are all a little cracked.  It’s like the rocks and hills pull your heads inwards or something…  Before I go, what ever happened that little press up chick?

She’s putting it up to the DUP

What?

Never mind…

[Join us next week when we unveil our exclusive Matthew McConaghey interview, where he tells us all about the jeans that made him famous]