Riot Breaks Out In Loughmacrory Store Over ‘Patrick’ Coke Bottle
Posted by Gombeen
Up to 120 people were responsible for a mass brawl lasting twenty minutes after the name ‘Patrick’ was spotted on a Coca-Cola bottle at 4pm today in the Loughmacrory Store. The ‘Share a Coke’ campaign has taken 150 of the most popular names and stuck them on their bottles. 119 Loughmacrory residents had been patiently waiting for Patrick to appear after every male child in from 1975-1980 was named Patrick in the area. Store owner Mary Loughran told us:
“Feck me. We thought we’d averted any possible brawl by placing the bottles behind the counter with the names out of sight. Unfortunately, the young apprentice helping me out nudged one of the bottles to show ‘Patrick’ and all hell broke loose. What with social networking these days, every Patrick in the area was on the scene within five minutes, pretending to buy Wagon Wheels or things like that. Smattering of fights started to break out in the queue for the till and before long the Pot Noodle stand was being hurled through the shop window followed by a couple of the weaker Patricks. It was some handlin alright.”
The police arrived on the scene, only to worsen the situation. The constable on charge ‘Patrick Quinn’ himself set his sights on the bottle and started arresting as many Patricks as he could before the penny dropped amongst the other Patricks. Paddy McGee, who lost three upper teeth, said he went down fighting:
“I didn’t get the bottle but I got a quare few clinkers on the constable’s nose. He told me he’d cut off my balls in the blink of an eye and I sorta believed him. Even Patricia Morgan took the head clean off Fr Patrick Maguire.”
The bottle was finally purchased by electrician Patrick Jordan who has since hired the bouncers from Sally’s to stand outside his house at night whilst his wife Amanda will mind it during the day.