It was confirmed this morning that the DUP may return to Stormont if four important conditions were adhered to from the moment they step into the building, according to sources close to a high-ranking civil servant whistle-blower. It is believed that the other parties will play along with the demands every day until the DUP go home for their dinner in the evening, before tackling real issues.

The leaked document makes it clear what the conditions were, as they were bullet-pointed and in capital letters, sans-serif font. They are as follows:

• No one mentions the last election or acknowledges it happened
• Michelle O’Neill doesn’t call herself First-Minister
• No more Irish to be spoken, even at the shop on the way in
• A prayer is said at the Carson statue every morning, or a hymn is played by a flute band at the same spot

Although the other parties have yet to agree to the demands, it is thought that they might plan to sign up to them anyway in order to keep Jeffrey Donaldson happy for a few weeks. The real Assembly business will happen every day after the DUP leaves for supper, around 5pm.

The House Speaker will also play along with the plan until 5pm, nodding and agreeing with mentions of protocols and flags, and saying ‘hear hear Mr First Minister’ at appropriate times.

The DUP has also asked that members dress up in 60s outfits once a week to recreate the Unionist heydays of the 60s.