In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.
Following the successful implementation of the Strabane Dog-Fouling Initiative where dog excrement is to be sprayed pink in order to shame the dog-owners, East Tyrone Council have gone one step further and have warned that anyone heard coming out with bad language could be sprayed blue on the spot.
Paddy Jake Cushnahan, Council Chairman, explained the initiative:
“We’re sick and tired with people cursing around these parts. It has become part of the language now. I was at the Council Christmas Dinner and the waitress asked me if I wanted any f*ckin red sauce with my chips, and that was her asking nicely with a smile and all. Well, as from July 1st, if anyone is heard cursing anywhere from Ballygawley to Brocagh they run the risk of one of us jumping out of the hedge or wherever and spraying their heads with blue paint. That’ll shame them. Blue paint for blue language.”
Cushnahan claims that all households will receive a list of bad words that are punishable, as soon as they’ve finished compiling them:
“We’re nearly ready for printing it off now. So far we have 77 words including ‘b*llocks’, ‘sh*te’, ‘dungbag’, ‘oul b*stard’ or any type of b*stard really, ‘f*cker’, ‘f*ck sake’, ‘d*ckhead’, ‘clift’ and so on although clift is a controversial one. We need to stamp this stuff out. ‘Buckin’ is allowed.”
A blue headed mascot, called ‘No Need For That Oul Talk’, will be unveiled later in the week and he’ll be visiting schools and churches to spread the awareness of the new initiative. Anyone caught cursing will be fined £10 on the spot or £8 if they refuse to pay at all, as well as being sprayed with the blue paint that takes a week to come off. A trial run went badly last week in Cookstown when Fr Fay from Clonoe was sprayed blue for saying ‘Jaysus Christ’ at Drum Manor Forest Park. He had been practicing his prayers.