In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.
A rally was held tonight in the centre of Killeeshil after it emerged that local boiler servicers have been left twiddling their thumbs as most oil companies decide to go legit and deal only in clean oil. Up until early 2012, dirty oil meant the money rolled in on a regular basis for the Corgi Registered handy men with boilers often bursting into flames. Oil companies themselves were benefitting from mixing the home heating oil with water, cooking oil and general dirt with 50 gallons magically expanding to over double that.
“I don’t know what they think they’re at,” Paddy Morgan told us. “When you think of the severe winters recently coupled with the crap substandard oil swishing around it, we were more important than God. We were worshipped. Our phones would be red-hot from October til April with all manner of boiler problems. The oil men themselves were getting some mileage out of their stuff my throwing in sorts of nonsense into it. I knew of a man near Eskra and he’d even get his workers to urinate into the oil tanks at his garage. It was a win-win situation for all.”
In a sudden pang of guilt, most companies have mysteriously decided to go clean and dish out only 100% pure oil, leaving the boiler men up in arms.
“Those money-grabbing wasters are thinking only of themselves and their so-called conscience all of a sudden. Well, what about us? We have mouths to feed too and the skulduggery was doing that for years. Bastards the lot of them. I blame religion”
Remarkably, the protesting servicers were joined by members of the public in an unlikely show of solidarity. One frail, elderly man remarked:
“I miss it you know. I miss the fear that at any given moment the boiler might blow itself up because of the amount of shite in the oil. When you add in the freezing minus 10 conditions and the chance that it’d be lights out for an old man like me with circulation problems at the best of times, the buzz I got from the possibly devastation kept me going. Now I know it’ll be chugging away smoothly in the morning. It’s a bit boring to be honest.”
Rumours that a dissident Boiler Men group have been going around sabotaging boilers is, so far, unfounded.