Frosty at the ‘Lough

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Tensions increased further between a husband and wife in Loughmacrory yesterday as the dishwasher lay unemptied for the third consecutive day.

Paul and Dymphna Clarke of Ballybrack Road in Loughmacrory have not emptied the dishwasher since Thursday night, with each placing the responsibility on the other to do so. Sources close to the couple say that the rationale presented by both parties for their ongoing intransigence is that ‘it’s not my feckin’ turn’.

It is believed the dispute was sparked by ‘thon big casserole dish’ used to make Thursday’s shepherd’s pie, which, despite its cycle in the dishwasher, still needs scoured by somebody for at least five minutes with a brillo pad to get all the scrapey burnt bits off.

With no end in sight to the stand-off, sanctions came into force last night, with Paul withdrawing conjugal services by refusing to take his Viagra, no longer taking the ashes out to the garage, and ignoring his wife’s requests to Sky-Plus Cash In The Attic as she doesn’t know how to work the machine.

This morning Dymphna responded with measures of her own, by intentionally putting too much milk in Paul’s tea, deliberately over-boiling his eggs so that they’re no longer ‘deadly soft the way he likes them’ and refusing to shave his back. The row now looks close to crisis point, with both parties having run out of dishes and cutlery.

“For feck’s sake, it’s gone beyond a joke”, said an irritated Dymphna. “Last night I ended up having spuds off an old Frisbee I found in the attic, and I saw that eejit eating toast off a hub cap for breakfast yesterday. Still. I’m not emptying it. It’s his turn, the bollox”.

Her husband was equally belligerent.

“She needs to wise up. I ended up using the remote control as a spoon for my cereal this morning. Can you imagine? And I caught her eating her yoghurt with a shoe horn. Enough’s enough. It’s her turn though. I’m not doing it”.

“He’ll see sense soon enough”, maintained Dymphna. “I can watch Cash In The Attic at my sisters, and Viagra? Is he having a laugh? He only ever takes it to stop him rolling out of bed, the clift”.

A resolution any time soon appears unlikely.