Dungannon court yesterday heard how aged Killyman Pharmacist, Mal Le Chien, allowed a local serial gossiper read the prescription book every day in exchange for a kiss on the cheek. The accusation was heard after the woman in question, Mary Gilroy, decided to ‘land him in the s**t’ after he allowed one of his hands to wander during the daily peck on his choppers. A packed courthouse heard how Le Chien fed Gilroy’s love of chit-chat by offering her his indecent proposal:
“I’d been coming in to the chemist for tablets to ease my woman’s problems and had built up a customer relationship with Mal. After a few weeks, and knowing of my penchant for tittle-tattle, he said he’d let me see his prescription book for everyone in the Killyman area as long as I planted the lips on him once a day. It was too good to turn down. Ha! – the things I saw. Finally, I understood my Mrs Donnelly had that oul sour bake on her. She’s a chronic migraine sufferer. Still didn’t stop me roaring at her in the morning even harder. Gary Taggert was taking viagra and him with no woman at all. Made no sense to me but at least I knew how to behave around him. Drove him mad I did with the low tops and winks. Fr Jackson’s itchy arse was causing him some bother going by the ass-cream he was picking up fortnightly. That fairly affected my communion-going habits. I had a head start on everyone.”
The agreement came to an end when Le Chien attempted to take things to the next level and laid a hand on her hip during the kiss.
“Typical man. He thought I was turning up to see him. Only for the free gossip I’d never be seen near than oul whack. One day he dropped the hand on me. Well, that was that. Everyone knows I’m a hateful warbler in these parts so I had nothing to lose. This oul pervert needed to be exposed. Sure he himself takes five aspirin every morning cos he’s on a bottle of brandy a day.”
The case continues tomorrow when Le Chien takes to the stand to explain how the amount of hypochondriacs in Killyman drove him to drink.