Blog Archives

Carrickmore Woman Sells Car Boot At Car Boot Sale. Husband Furious.

The Audi, an hour ago

The Audi, an hour ago

A Carrickmore school cook has angered her husband after selling off the boot of their red Audi A4 at the Dean Maguire College’s annual car boot sale. Hillary Gormley, a canteen cook in a nearby primary school, took the 2009 Audi to the sale whilst her husband, Pat Gormley, attended a cattle market in Edinburgh. Hoping to surprise her husband with a bit of extra cash, Gormley now admits she completely misinterpreted the nature of a car boot sale:

“I’d never actually been to one for the simple reason that I never needed a car boot. Pat had mentioned before he left for Scotland that I should go down to the school’s car boot sale and sell something. As we’ve only the one motor at the minute, I thought it a bit surprising as he cherished that Audi. But I went anyway and sold the boot within minutes for £2000. How the hell was I to know what a car boot sale meant? I just thought the other people hadn’t cleaned their boots out yet when I arrived and saw toys and cutlery lying about theirs.”

Pat Gormley was aghast when driving up his loanan only to see the beloved Audi cut in half, supported by two barrels at the back.

“I thought it was some type of elaborate joke at first, that maybe it was some kind of optical illusion played by a local magician. It wasn’t until I saw Hilary’s face that I realised she had ballsed something up. This is an appeal to the fellow who bought the boot of my motor. Please can we have it back with a full refund. Hillary reckons he has a Loughmacrory or maybe Pomeroy accent. We’ll weld it back on.”

This is not the first time Hillary got the wrong end of the stick. In 1988, she bought 99 ice creams after her mother sent her to the van man to get her a ’99’.

Dear Tessie – Tyrone Agony Aunt Volume 1

DEAR TESSIE,

My husband refuses to go shopping. Years ago, when we were just curting, he’d blissfully browse around Marks and Spencers or the Spar with me as I agonised over whether to buy brown or white bread for three quarters of an hour. Now that we’re married and with twelve children, he won’t set foot in any retail establishment. He says he gets severe panic attacks at the thought of it and when I mention the word ‘shop’ he rocks forwards and backwards, slapping his face with his hand, screeching ‘no’. What can I do?       MELISSA, CABRAGH

TESSIE SAYS:

I’ve seen this many times before. I used to have a husband who’d set himself on fire as soon as I mentioned painting the gable wall. One day I called his bluff and painted it myself, a nice big union jack. I never had to ask again. The self-flaming stopped. Call his bluff too, Melissa. The next time you’re out, buy him a pink cardigan and a pair of those jeans that hang down around the arse. That’ll do wonders for his ability to shop himself. Or liver sandwiches.

DEAR TESSIE,

My neighbour’s dog is sniffing around my bitch, a three year old Pomeranian. His dog is a heavy-set Alsatian. Should I be worried? MICKEY, MOUNTJOY

TESSIE SAYS:

Yes.

DEAR TESSIE,

I brought my children up to be good upstanding protestants. I taught them right and wrong, how to be courteous and respectful and to follow the path to happiness. You can understand my great shock when I read my son’s letter from Edinburgh where he is studying medicine. He tells me that he now does Jiu Jitsu. How could he turn against his own religion? GODFREY, TULLYHOGUE

TESSIE SAYS:

Give it time. It might just be a phase. My son went to Bundoran one weekend and came back with a Declan Nerney CD. I locked him in a dark room for a month. He’s OK now.

DEAR TESSIE,

Is it possible for a man from The Rock to find a deadly woman? I’ve been leeching about the Greenvale dance floor since 1999 and haven’t even got a sniff of a woman yet. If you look at all the lads still standing about at the end of the night, they’re either from the Rock of Greencastle. What can I do? I’m sick of piling into a Vauxhall Nova at the end of the night to do a bit of diffing to entertain ourselves. CIARAN, THE ROCK

TESSIE SAYS:

The Rock you say? Get used to it. If you have no second cousins in their mid-30s stuck for a man then you’re snookered I’m afraid. Embrace the diffing.

DEAR TESSIE,

I’ve recently found love but am in a bit of a dilemma. I have three brothers, one is in prison for repeated public exposure, one is a wanted drugs dealer in Dublin and the other lives in Armagh. Both my parents are also in prison for running a brothel in Kildress. My only sister sells counterfeit DVDs for paramilitaries. So, the big question is – do I tell her about the brother who lives in Armagh? PAUL, BERAGH

TESSIE SAYS:

No. Definitely not. She’ll run a mile.

DEAR TESSIE,

I sold the woman from Derrytresk the handbag she used against Dromid Pearses and Kerry man Declan O’Sullivan. Am I a bad person? SUSIE, COALISLAND

TESSIE SAYS:

Yes. Only because you didn’t fill it with hammers.

DEAR TESSIE,

I’d like to reply to the boy from the Rock further up on this page. Are you the boy who bought be a drink last weekend in the Greenvale just before midnight? If so, there was no vodka in the coke ye miserable clift. BERNADETTE, LISSAN

TESSIE SAYS:

Looks like Ciaran from the Rock will be single for another while at least.

Ground*ed Hito

Be the light of your own kind.

Scribbles from me to you

My poetry & prose

Life with Saoirse

The ups, downs, laughter and tears of life in a complex family

Kilbarchan Pipe Band Blog

Registered Charity SC045878

The Media Student's Book Blog

Film and media education

LUCID BEING

“Compassionate toward oneself, we reconcile all inner, and the universe - from within.”

In Dianes Kitchen

Recipes showing step by step directions with pictures and a printable recipe card.

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii - BestVideoGames.site

Video Games Guide - PS Vita, PS3, Xbox , Wii

Naturesl0vers

All about nature

Dining with Donald

Donald on Dining in and Out.

Fourteen Lines

A Sonnet Obsession

The Irish Peace Process

Catholic Afterthoughts

Ryan Harper Writing

Short Stories, Poems and Songs and random observations

%d bloggers like this: