Following a spate of high-profile celebrity deaths as 2016 comes to a close, the Tyrone County Treasure Comittee have urged over 30 local personalities to take advantage of an underground bunker in Omagh for a few days, built in 1986 when they were worried about Halley’s Comet hitting the town.
Luminaries such as Paul Brady, Philomena Begley, Darren Clarke, Barry McElduff, Michelle Gildernew, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, Willie McCrea, Lynette Fay, Brian Dooher and Dennis Taylor have already taken refuge in the bunker which has a 24-hour blood pressure monitor and running machine installed, wired up to a GP’s surgery in Gortin.
Speaking on behalf of the Committee, Janet Garvey admitted it was tough leaving out some of our more well known stars:
“Owen Mulligan turned up with a six Harp tins and a 14 bag of Walkers Crisps but we thought he wasn’t sending out the vibes we want in there, especially as he was dressed up as the grim reaper. There was also no room for Sam Neill and Peter Kay as they haven’t really spent much time in the county.”
Early reports suggest things haven’t settled well with eye witnesses confirming Dooher and McElduff were engaged in a fist fight at the bunker door over allegations of snoring and snattering during the middle of the night.
The bunker will be opened again on January 1st 2017 with the majority of them expected to leave.
A gathering of 5600 sky enthusiasts were left disappointed and angry after social media outlets wrongly reported a clear and permanent sighting of the Aurora Borealis (Northern Lights) on Saturday and Sunday nights in Tattyreagh. Locals have denied it was another ploy to raise funds for the football club.
Skygazers from as far afield as Russia and Taiwan converged on the small townland only to discover the lights were simply Omagh in the distance.
Japanese astronomy expert Jon Hi was particularly upset after flying to Ireland with 140 of his countrymen:
“Some shower. I read on Twitter that the North Pole’s Aurora Borealis were brilliant in Tattyreagh. After finding it on the map, we made a 15000 mile journey only to find out it’s just the new streetlights Omagh up the road. I’m mightily pissed off with Tattyreagh and I’m going to blacken its name in Japan forever more.”
Tattyreagh Tourism Director Killian Hanratty denies it was a devious ploy to boost tourism to the area:
“They’re scandalous accusations being bandied about by them Fintona ones. I can’t deny that we’ve made serious money from the crisps and mineral stall we happened to have on the side of the road beside the big field that people were congregating on. 5000 thirsty people afterall. The proceeds will go towards new toilet facilities at the football pitch.”
This is the second time Tattyreagh has featured in the international news for a mistaken phenomenon. In 1986, thousands again flocked to Tattyreagh to see Halley’s Comet which had reportedly fallen onto the football field. It was later proven to be a Superser gas heater with all bars on. The money taken from the crisps and mineral stall that year paid for the football club’s new stand.