Tyrone man, today

A leading trichologist from France has completed a detailed three-year research mission into the extremely high prevalence of baldness in Tyrone and believes he has found the reason with a reported 99% accuracy.

Baldness has long been a marked feature of masculinity within the county much to the annoyance of young red-hand bachelors hoping for a romantic clinch at the end of a night in Sally’s or the Greenvale.  Now, with the help of Professor Blanc from Strasbourg, the source of the problem appears to be the amount of lignite (brown coal) under the county, especially in the east.

Moortown man and baldy since the age of 20, Padraig Quinn (44), admitted the news has come as a source of relief:

“At last we can say we’re real Tyrone men now. I’m sick and tired of being called Bald the Builder, cueball, bald eagle, shiny dome, melon head, The Shining, peeled onion, scraped grape and the like. And that’s just my parents. The abuse in the pubs and clubs is crippling. All we need to do now is dig up this lignite and we’ll save future Tyronians from the same fate I experienced.”

The excavation of lignite in Tyrone has been a contentious issue since the mid-80s but may now receive public backing for the first time. Lignite emits a gas which attacks the male chromosome responsible for follicle growth.

High profile Tyrone baldies such as Chris Lawn and Peter Canavan helped to restore confidence in eggheads from the bushes but this news may encourage fellow Kojaks to hold their potato up proudly high this week.