News emerged yesterday of an investigation into what was billed as Ireland’s first all-inclusive, luxury ‘6-star’ resort which opened last weekend in Tyrone.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Crockanboy Farm Hotel, based next to the working farm of the same name, opened last weekend for business but promptly drew the attention of the Tyrone Tourism Board, which questioned its self-appointed 6-star status.

Spokesperson for the Tyrone Tourism Board Henry Bogue said,

“I suppose we should have twigged the moment we heard it was based in Greencastle. I mean, no offence to the folk there, but it’s not exactly 42^nd Street in New York, is it? In fact, it’s not even Scotch Street in Dungannon. What were they thinking?”

Asked what will justify the 6-star rating, farmer-turned-hotelier Plunket Molloy said,

“Well, that’s a really good question. See, you have your 4-star hotels and 5-star hotels, but we’re 6. That means we’re better. Everything’s included. That’s why it’s all-inclusive, and 6-star. Beds, electricity, heating, floors, the lot. We might even throw in a bit of breakfast. How’s that for all-inclusive? And if they stay in the honeymoon suite they’ll get a free GAA Tyrone air freshener. They might need it with the smell of the slurry”.

The honeymoon suite awaits

He continued,

 “We’re tapping into the American market here. They’ll come from places like San Francisco and Sydney, with their ‘gee shucks’, and their ‘gosh darn its’. Once they hear about this place we’ll be on the pig’s back. The Yanks are over here all the time researching their ancestry. We’ll do tours of a few graveyards, show then Ulysses Grant’s place, Peter Canavan’s home place, that sort of thing. And we can sort out some free bubblegum for them”.

Rooms start at £1,000 per night, although Molloy said privately that as an introductory offer he might accept offers as low as £25.

However, Bogue from the Tourist Board was less than impressed. In particular, he has raised concerns about the ‘state of the art’ fitness suite, which consists of a piece of blue rope for skipping, and a ‘free weights’ room which contains a pile of breeze blocks. He has also expressed concern about the heavily-advertised outdoor running area which incorporates a ‘unique in-built exercise improvement device, guaranteed to help improve fitness levels every time’, which appears to be nothing more than a field with an angry bull in it.

As at last night, Molloy was undeterred, insisting that he may advertise as a 7-star resort, just as soon as he gets the hot water plumbed in.