Monthly Archives: July 2014
Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.
The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.
“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”
Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:
“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”
Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:
“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”
Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.
Government officials have urged all affected Tyronians to stay calm and think of their favourite place after news emerged that all Garth Brooks concerts have been cancelled.
Police have already had to contend with an outbreak of unpleasantness with reports of bonfires being set alight all over the county, with fans burning excess cowboy hats and boots as well as old CDs of Brooks’ greatest hits. They have urged anyone looking to wreck anything to phone their special Post-Brooks Stress hotline, a condition quickly diagnosed by a doctor in Coalisland.
Brooks fanatic Marie Herron admitted she was at her wit’s end:
“I just can stop running around and screaming. What the hell are we going to do now this summer? That’s not just the summer ruined, it’s the whole year and possibly the decade. I’ll wait to see how I feel tomorrow.”
Screaming and running about seems to be the first sign of Post-Brooks Stress Disorder, before it turns violent and victims begin to wreck and burn things. In Kildress, it has been reported that nearly everything not tied down has been set alight including cattle and trailers. UTV cameramen have confirmed they have footage of three men in Carrickmore crying valleys of tears at the news, before punching each other.
One, a talented electrician, told them:
“I’m not bothered about Brooks. It’s the side effects. I’ll have to tramp around Dublin Zoo or something now with herself that weekend.”
Local politicians have called an emergency meeting of all elected councillors to decide on their next move, with talk of a march to Dublin high on the agenda. They have also set up a fund-raising committee to help pay for those out of pocket because of the £1 handling fee on Ticketmaster.
Meanwhile Mickey Harte has called on his players to ‘Do It For Garth’ this Sunday against Armagh. County officials have also urged supporters to bring their cowboy hats and shoes to the game and pretend it’s the concert they were supposed to be going to as it might be their only day out this year.
The recent TV coverage of tennis at Wimbledon has prompted a local opportunist entrepreneur to capitalise on the renewed interest in the sport.
Fergal Donaghy from Annaghmore decided to make the investment after seeing two youngsters playing with tennis racquets near Greencastle last week during the Wimbledon fortnight.
“Sure, they were using them to belt lumps out of each other, but still, it’s the Wimbledon effect”, said an excited Donaghy. “The cubs are mad for the tennis in Tyrone, and once my tennis centre opens, they’ll be flocking in”.
Donaghy has already started work on a permanent venue for the centre and a search for much-needed equipment.
“Aye, we’re still sort of planning where the site’s going to be. The place I’m using at the moment is amazing with lots and lots of space and kids think it’s class, but apparently Asda say it’s ‘their’ car park. Sure, we’ll squeeze it into a corner of Garvaghey. They won’t mind. We don’t need much space because I’m going to use much smaller tennis courts. The size of existing courts has players run ragged. No wonder Andy Murray’s always got a face like a slapped arse. The poor lad’s knackered. No, we’re going to reduce the court by about three quarters. Revolutionary”.
“Thon Andy Murray’s a class act. Unbeatable. I didn’t get to see much of Wimbledon this year, but I didn’t have to to know that he’s won it again. He’s unbeatable that boy”.
Sourcing appropriate kit has so far has proved a challenge for the entrepreneur.
“I picked up all these class state-of-the-art wooden tennis racquets at a sale. The kids love playing with them. Imagine how much more they’ll like them once we put strings in them. Tennis racquet string’s supposed to be made from catgut, and we tried sourcing it locally, but Jays, it was some handlin’. The miaowing’s still ringing in my ears. I’ve still got the scratches. I’m not making that mistake again. A wee bit of blue rope will do the job just as well”.
Donaghy revealed exciting expansion plans for the future.
“Once this tennis centre’s open, I’ll do one in every county. Armagh’s first, then Fermanagh, probably in Enniskillen. I want to come up with a snappy name for it that combines ‘Enniskillen’ with ‘tennis’, but so far it’s got me stumped”.
Donaghy has also sent a fax to Cliff Richard asking him to stay away from the centre when it opens.
Up to nine pensioners have been told to leave an estate in Tyrone after wild around-the-clock bashes kept neighbours up all night for the last three weeks.
The retired gang, who moved in a month ago and have a combined age of 603, have been accused of blasting out loud music at all hours, including Neil Diamond classics mixed with a rave soundtrack. They were also reported for chucking empty beer bottles at passers-by under the cover of darkness as well as drinking lager from the can during broad daylight in the driveway.
Local neighbourhood watch chairman, Patsy Donnelly, reckoned enough is enough:
“Listen, I like old people but you have to draw a line somewhere. Every morning on my way to work you’d see all these pensioners crashed out sleeping on the lawn or over fences. They are not really setting a good example to our younger generation. It appears to me that they are simply drinking their pension money. It’s a disgrace and they’re not wanted here in Eskra.”
A PSNI spokesman confirmed there have been over 42 complaints made about the elderly trouble-makers, with the majority of claims being made about mass brawling in the house between themselves, often spilling over onto the front garden. Noise decibel levels have also been assessed and despite over a dozen warnings, the sounds of Perry Como and Frank Sinatra have increased in volume.
The house-owner, known simply as Boozy Betty (68), maintains it is another example of discrimination against the elderly:
“This is a load of bollocks. We’re doing nothing wrong. Listen, we haven’t long left so give us a bit of leeway,”
she told us before passing out on the pavement.
The pensioners were last seen heading towards Killeeshil.
St Alphonsus’ Church in Listamlet have apologised to Gerry and Mary Brennan of Clonfeacle after a mix-up in their audio saw ‘The Sally Gardens’ mistakenly replaced with Chris Rea’s worldwide hit ‘Road To Hell’ as the bride walked up the aisle.
To add to their woes, the altar boy was unable to turn off the song, leaving the wedding party and congregation listening to the entire 5-minute extended version of the chart topper which includes the lines “And the perverted fear of violence/Chokes the smile on every face”.
Father of the bride, Jack McCann, fumed:
“Some balls-up. The worst part was the altar boy fumbling to turn the thing off. We had to listen to that man sing the ‘Road To Hell’ line over and over at the end. The young girl was in tears thinking her husband-to-be was sending her a subliminal message. Why didn’t they cut the wires?”
Fr Cushnahan was at pains to explain how the song ended up on the church’s private music selection in the first place.
“Ah I was just codding around one day with funny songs to play in a church, just to show that you can have a laugh with God and all. Elvis’s ‘Devil In Disguise’ was another one I had on it. Thank feck that one didn’t play. The husband would’ve been afeard to turn around and look under the veil. I’ll just put this one down as a learning experience.”
Meanwhile, St Alphonsus’ have offered, by way of compensation, a year’s supply of confessions for the couple with a guarantee of very little penance.
A Creggan man who set up a business offering to rid houses of troublesome ghosts had mixed success with his first assignment earlier today at a house in Lissan.
Plunkett Hamill was called to the property this morning to deal with a noisy poltergeist after 56-year old housewife Finnuala Loughran responded to an advert Hamill had placed in the Tyrone Times which read,
‘Call Ghost-Oh-Buster to rid your home of scary other-worldly forces, like demons, devils and dwarves. Experienced with witches, ghouls, goblins, munchkins and much more. Two-for-one deal on exorcisms during July’.
Hamill said he arrived at the house to find the poltergeist in full flow.
“Aye, there was this really loud ghostly rattling in the pipes and radiators, really angry like, making lots of clanking and knocking noises. It happened every time the central heating came on. Terrifying, but I ain’t afraid of no ghost”.
However, Loughran’s exasperated husband, John Joe, raged:
“I’ve told her a hundred times but she won’t listen. The only thing those damned radiators need is a bleed key but I can’t find it. Poltergeist my arse. To be honest I haven’t the energy for this. I had a huge vindaloo out the Rupali in Cookstown last night and can barely move. In the meantime I have that bollix wreckin’ about the house”. He continued, “He’s an eejit. He waltzed in pretending to be one the boys out of that Ghostbusters movie, wearing a rucksack with a fire extinguisher in it and a pair of swimming goggles on his head. Clift”.
Hamill had a different view.
“Blocked pipes? Never”, he insisted. “It wasn’t just the noise, it was the smell too. I was tip-toeing along the hallway hunting out the poltergeist, and I started to notice this really foul stench, really powerful, like something evil from the very depths of hell itself had manifested itself in the house. It was just outside the toilet. Jaysus, my eyes were doing some deadly watering. I kept going, but I think it must have sensed me and left the house, because the smell went away once I opened a window. Explain that”.
Hamill also spent several hours this afternoon examining a strange substance which he initially believed to be ‘solidified ectoplasm’, which turned out to be a half-eaten naan broad.
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
Police in Mid-Ulster have admitted they’re at breaking point after it emerged Garth Brooks will not be hosting a 5-day concert series in Croke Park and will be performing for 3 days instead, sparking riotous scenes across Tyrone.
UN troops have been mobilised and are currently making their way across Lough Neagh by boat and are expected to reach the western coast by 5pm GMT,
Local journalists confirmed the first rioting occurred outside a music shop in Coalisland with locals pelting the store with anything that came to hand from children’s dummies to hubcaps. One resident, Ronald McSherry, explained their anger:
“We’ve been talking about this for months now and all for what? 3 lousy days? Personally I’m not going myself as I hate his music but that’s besides the point. We’re being trampled over again and if we don’t stand up to the authorities now it’ll be something else next. Music shops all over the county are going to get some touch tonight.”
When it was explained to McSherry that the music shop in question, Pat’s Island Records, doesn’t sell tickets and just deals in trumpets and bugles he turned on this reporter and accused me of being ‘one of them’.
Riots have also broken out in Cookstown, Omagh, Strabane, Dungannon, Pomeroy and a hedge was set alight in Cappagh. Fire fighters who arrived on the scene to put the fire were pelted with turf by locals singing ‘Friends In Low Places’ in an angry tone.
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness has appealed for calm across Mid-Ulster and has promised to put on a free live concert in Donaghmore on those two days featuring Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan and Philomena Begley, with unlimited hotdogs for all attendees if they stop rioting.
Meanwhile a Garth Brooks spokesman has confirmed, that in order to calm tensions, they’ll possibly consider doing an over-the-Internet concert from his home if riots continue into a second day.
A Dungannon-based traffic warden has started employing the use of the ‘vanishing spray’ currently being used by referees at the Brazil World Cup, which marks where defenders have to stand during a free kick. The spray disappears after a few minutes.
32-year old Fergus Devine, who courted controversy earlier this year for frequently conducting victory dances around cars to which he had issued parking tickets, began using the spray last Saturday, firstly on cars, and latterly on pedestrians.
“You see some of them cars edging forward at the lights, waiting for green”, explained an unrepentant Devine. “That’s where my spray comes in, see? If they think they can start moving just because the light changes to amber, they can think on. Drive over my wee white line and they’ll get a ticket slapped on their windscreen pronto”.
Complaints were made not just by drivers but also by pedestrians who have attracted Devine’s attention, including Caledon’s Clodagh Rush, who was accosted by Devine coming out of Lowe Butchers on Dungannon Square on Monday. She explained,
“He stopped me and started spraying my shoes, the clift. Said he was giving me a warning because of ‘dangerous overtaking’ coming out of the shop. All I did was squeeze past Mrs Donnelly who was having trouble managing her zimmer frame and bag of mince at the same time. He made me stand there like an eejit for five minutes until the white stuff went away”.
“Aye, it’s deadly stuff is right”, proclaimed Devine. “There’s too many of them pedestrians eager to jump about the road like they own the place. It’s only me that’s allowed to do that. I’ve had the training. If they don’t want to wait for the wee green man then they risk getting my aerosol all over their tootsies. They’ve been warned”.
Asked where he had procured the spray, Devine said,
“I got it off a pal of a pal who lives in England, Wayne I think his name was. He came back from Brazil with a suitcase full of the stuff. Don’t know what he was doing over there, but apparently he said there was no way he was coming back empty-handed”.
56-year old Fergus Faloon also incurred the wrath of Devine having come out of Dungannon Library ‘without due care and attention’, by walking and eating a Twix at the same time. He now faces a ‘two-booksale ban’ at Dungannon Library, but plans to appeal.
A Dungannon butcher has received a surprise late call-up to race in this year’s Tour De France which kicks off on Saturday in England.
Kevin ‘The Blurt’ McElhatton was surprised as anyone to receive the call but is determined to see good his invitation, comparing it to being ‘called up for jury duty; there’s no way out of it these days’.
The Blurt continued:
“I don’t even remember applying to ride in it but sure what harm can it do. I’ve a Flame Red MK2 Grifter at my mother’s house and sure I’ll take a spin on her down to the lough shore and back to get the oul chains oiled up for France. That’s a good 20 mile round journey so it is.”
McElhatton, despite having chronic asthma at this time of the year, is adamant he’ll put on a good show and has urged his family and friends to watch him on Channel 4 during the competition:
“I’m not deadly into the tight bicycle lycra stuff so I’m just gonna wear a white t-shirt and my Dungannon Clarkes shorts from my last game as an Under 16 in 1991. I promise not to let anyone down and I’ll drink plenty of water and all.”
There has been a mixed response on twitter to the news with one local politician from Aughnacloy tweeting “Someone stop this man. That Grifter model has a dodgy chain. Madness.”
Meanwhile, ‘The Blurt’ confirmed his butchers will remain open during his ordeal and that there’s a great deal on turkey breasts at £12.99 at the minute.
A Tattyreagh historian, Thaddy Horridge, has claimed that Hugh O’Neill (also known as The Great O’Neill) had a bit of a notion for Armagh and even liked Derry people ‘a bit’. This revelation has come as an enormous shock to O’Neills in the county as well as the majority of the county’s natives from all clans, with the Donnellys and O’Hagans suggesting he should be stripped of his lofty title as one of the greatest leaders the country has ever seen. Horridge revealed he possesses secret documents supposedly written by Hugh which details a weekend away he had in Keady as well as a meeting he had with a boy from Swatragh.
“It’s obvious from the correspondence I have in my possession that Hugh wasn’t the wholesome Tyrone man he has been made out to be. In one letter he says he headed…
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In a proposal some are calling one of the most important peace gestures in Irish history, Tyrone and Armagh GAA boards are considering combining their potential July 12th Round 2 Qualifier clash with the Twelfth celebrations on the field of play.
The scenario will only take place if Monaghan defeat Armagh in their replayed Ulster semi-final this weekend, with bookmakers reckoning this scenario will be the likely outcome.
Both county board met yesterday to thrash out an agreement on the proposal with the following details confirmed as definite:
- Instead of St Michael’s Enniskillen, the players will march behind a lone Lambeg drummer, playing any tune he likes
- Both sets of players will march wearing a sash in their county colours
- The National Anthem will be replaced by The Sash My Father Wore
- A bonfire will be lit in the corner of the field at half time with no flags to be burnt, just rubbish and spare tyres donated by spectators
- Free beer cans for all in attendance
Tyrone spokesman, Kenny Nelis, explained the gesture:
“We in the GAA pride ourselves with forward thinking and this is just a natural extension of that. There are other proposals we are considering so don’t take that list as a definite. There’s talk of marching back to the changing rooms after the game is over, if the players are fit for it. This will be a special day for everyone.”
A stumbling block has surfaced though as Armagh have demanded they walk their tradition route on the outside, closest to the crowd. However, Tyrone are refusing to also give up their right to the outside lane and there are concerns there’ll be a stand-off. PSNI officials have reminded both county boards that they’ll employ water cannons if an impasse is reached on this issue.