A farmer from outside Pomeroy has confirmed he’s unlikely to compare the difficulty of some aspects of farming to that of giving birth again after his wife chased him around the yard with a pitchfork, eventually taking advantage of a slip by her loose-tongued husband.
Patsy Grimes (56) maintains a moment of weakness saw him lose the run of himself, especially after his wife told him to stop feeling sorry for himself for complaining about the pain of being kicked by a bull, mid-castration. In a fit of temper, Grimes reportedly said ‘sure the only pain you ever felt was a slight twinge giving birth to Patsy Jnr, Mary and the other one‘ according to Mrs Grimes’ account of the incident to us today.
Neighbour Kieran Kennedy described:
“I was peeling spuds at the kitchen window and saw the head of Patsy running around the back of his house. He suddenly disappeared, slipped presumably, and within seconds I saw the head of Dolores leaping on top of him with a pitchfork in her hand. It was then I heard the yelp.”
After an ambulance quickly carted Grimes to Craigavon to get the pitchfork removed from his buttocks, Mrs Grimes remained unrepentant at her rash punishment for her loose-tongued husband:
“He’ll hardly make that mistake again,”
….Dolores remarked before heading back into the house to finish off watching the Home and Away omnibus.
Patsy Grimes has confirmed he will not press charges against his long-standing wife and has agreed to go on an intensive anger management course in Dungannon run by ex-Tyrone GAA footballer Ryan McMenamin.
Meanwhile, the Irish Pitchfork Society (IPFS) has rejected calls for rubber pitchforks to be made compulsory in Irish farms by 2018 in the wake of the Grimes case:
“They’ll not be any good,”
…fumed the IPFS at a hastily arranged press conference in Omagh.
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
A study involving over 3,000 adults in the Castlederg area has concluded that 72% of them only get exercise when drunk.
The study, which took place over a three-month period, interviewed a wide cross-section of the town’s residents. The inebriated exercise took a variety of forms, including dancing at weddings, stealing street signs, picking up dropped food from the floor, and pretending to be Karate Kid. Repeatedly getting up in the night to go to the toilet was also popular.
The Dergvalley Leisure Centre is now working with locals by setting up specific exercise sessions that can be undertaken by men and women under the influence of alcohol.
“We introduced volleyball last week but the match just ended up with everyone singing ‘The Fields of Athenry’”, said a spokeswoman. “Badminton fared better as long as we use the over-sized racquets, and the weightlifting was great fun, although the high diving in the adult pool ended rather tragically”.
The leisure centre plans to extend its range of classes and also its car park, owing to the number of motoring accidents caused by people turning up for the classes.
“One of the farmers from the Drumquin Road who comes to Thursday night yoga nearly drove his tractor straight into the cafeteria. We wouldn’t have minded but by the time we got to the Salute to the Sun pose, he’d fallen fast asleep on his yoga mat”.
One unnamed man from Killeter Road, responding to the study’s findings, said
“This is very unfair. We shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush. I’m drunk pretty regularly and don’t remember doing any exercise”.
The two most common forms of exercise when drunk were walking home from the pub on a Saturday night when they couldn’t stop a taxi, and vomiting.
A Stewartstown pig-farmer has stunned the astronomical world by claiming that he was the first man to set foot on the moon and not the recently deceased Neil Armstrong. Mr Felix Philpot, originally from Coagh, went even further and cast doubts as to whether the Americans were on it at all. Philpot, who rents pigs to poor homeowners who can’t afford to own a normal pet like a cat, made the startling claim in Maguire’s butchers in the middle of the town.
“All this talk about Apollo this and Buzz Adrin that has sickened me to the balls. I made it to the moon in 1967 before the Yanks or Russians could consider it. Myself and the brother Tomas were messing around in the shed with the lawn mower when the thought hit me. Why not point the mower upwards, build an aluminium cage around it, get a few of those experimental jet-propelled rockets I’d bought the previous year from China and see how far she goes.”
Philpot claims he made ‘a dozen spud dinners and wrapped them in tinfoil, 5 or 6 packets of Rich Tea, a gallon of tea in flasks, a toilet roll and the paper’ before setting off on his journey alone as Tomas watched from below.
“It was a bit of a handlin at the start with the radiation belt almost blinding me 25’000 miles up but once she settled and the oil was massaging the engine, it was shoe to the burd til I landed on the moon that night. I kept er lit as they say”
Felix described the moon as a ‘lonely, desolate and scary’ place but recalls seeing some wildlife on it, casting doubt on Armstrong’s claims.
“There’s no way Neil could have missed the serious amount of Corncrakes flying about. The ground was sandy, not powdery as he said. I’d wonder where they there at all.”
Tomas, when contacted, cast doubts on Felix’s achievement.
“Will ye wise the head for feck sake. He went up about 100 feet and landed in the big sandpit at Tullyhogue. Our boy’s a total head-case. A nut-job. Just ask about”.
Philpot claims he left a reminder up there for future generations to recognise his achievement. “I was dying to go to the toilet and the lunar module was half a mile away, so I let rip in the middle of the Sea of Tranquility. The boyo is still probably sitting there.” The mystery remains.