By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie

Castlederg Man After Flat-Out Exercise

A study involving over 3,000 adults in the Castlederg area has concluded that 72% of them only get exercise when drunk.

The study, which took place over a three-month period, interviewed a wide cross-section of the town’s residents. The inebriated exercise took a variety of forms, including dancing at weddings, stealing street signs, picking up dropped food from the floor, and pretending to be Karate Kid. Repeatedly getting up in the night to go to the toilet was also popular.

The Dergvalley Leisure Centre is now working with locals by setting up specific exercise sessions that can be undertaken by men and women under the influence of alcohol.

“We introduced volleyball last week but the match just ended up with everyone singing ‘The Fields of Athenry’”, said a spokeswoman. “Badminton fared better as long as we use the over-sized racquets, and the weightlifting was great fun, although the high diving in the adult pool ended rather tragically”.

The leisure centre plans to extend its range of classes and also its car park, owing to the number of motoring accidents caused by people turning up for the classes.

“One of the farmers from the Drumquin Road who comes to Thursday night yoga nearly drove his tractor straight into the cafeteria. We wouldn’t have minded but by the time we got to the Salute to the Sun pose, he’d fallen fast asleep on his yoga mat”.

One unnamed man from Killeter Road, responding to the study’s findings, said

“This is very unfair. We shouldn’t all be tarred with the same brush. I’m drunk pretty regularly and don’t remember doing any exercise”.

The two most common forms of exercise when drunk were walking home from the pub on a Saturday night when they couldn’t stop a taxi, and vomiting.