ERFSW (Equal Rights For Stewartstown Women) have admitted they stole 23 manholes from the Stewartstown and Cookstown area at the weekend under the cover of darkness.
Spokesperson for the new group, Mary Devlin, maintains that this is just the start of a much needed fight back against neutral things that have been masculine for centuries.
“Why not womanholes? We don’t want them to be called womanholes, like, but we’re just pointing out the madness of it all. Peopleholes is acceptable so it is. And don’t start me about Neil Armstrong and his mankind talk. The next time I see him he’ll know about it. We’re thinking of giving the fingers to the International Space Station the next time it flies over. And I’ll wallop the next person who says I manhandled them.”
ERFSW have already launched a legal bit to get all ‘manslaughter’ charges renamed as well as ‘manpower’ banned from the Oxford English Dictionary. They will also return all peopleholes next week and have promised to pump funds into any claims for flat tyres caused by the missing holes.
Meanwhile, Tyrone men have been voted the ‘Most Likely To Have Blonde Highlights’ for the sixteenth year in a row by the international magazine Cosmopolitan.
Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game.
Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.
A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:
This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”
RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.
Although both Stephen O’Neill and Peter Donnelly have remained tight-lipped about their departures from the Tyrone set up in recent weeks, it has emerged that a price hike in sausage rolls last month at the Garvaghey Training Centre near Ballygawley may have been the final straw for both former members of the backroom staff.
Sources close to the county set up maintain that uncertainty over Brexit has panicked the Garvaghey kitchen staff and that, in response to this, they have increased the cost of a sausage roll by 70p to £2.20.
Donnelly and O’Neill were famed for their legendary consumption of sausage rolls, with the Coalisland trainer Donnelly scoffing up to 8 sausage rolls a day whilst shouting at players for not running harder. Former All Star O’Neill was also a prolific sausage roll devourer during his playing career, often celebrating big wins by downing a 2-foot sausage roll from the chip shop in Aughabrack.
Our source added:
“Expect more. Horse Devlin is holding out so far but it’s costing him a fortune. They’re also charging 10p a sachet now for the brown sauce.”
Meanwhile, in the absence of a strength and conditioning coach, the county board have drawn up an initial training schedule for January which involves running around the dog track in Dungannon after Dublin’s Jack McCaffrey.
Hard, thick-skinned semolina still dominates the Tyrone schoolchild’s diet according to health watchdogs after an investigation into the eating habits in canteens in the county for a hard-hitting Channel 4 show published their findings.
Additionally, sponge cake covered in pink custard appeared in over 85% of school dessert menus, often compulsory, as cooks across the county were advised to try some more adventurous dishes such as creamed rice or ice cream and wafers.
However head teachers have rejected the findings, claiming that Tyrone school children achieve high grades in exams due to their willingness to study over the lunch break rather than eat in the canteens.
Last week, a Dungannon student claimed he was served the same deformed three-legged chip two days in a row after refusing to eat it the first day. Governors at the school admitted that, although the claim may be true, it highlighted the financial constraints in education today.
Mrs Bullock added:
“We might even use that three-legged deformed chip as the cover page for our school magazine, as a sign of the times.”
Semolina has been a staple diet of Tyrone children for over 300 years and has been linked to their tendency to be under the average height for an Irish person since records began.
Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
A Belfast scientist today announced that, after studying the longevity of loughshore people over the last 25 years, swallowing over 60 midges a day can add a decade to your life if consumed during the summer months for at least three consecutive years.
Although it has been a well known fact that the average Ardboe or Washingbay resident lives to 90-109 years of age, not until now has the reason been forensically analysed in such depth.
Previously, reasons for such long lifespan included eating large amounts of pollan and eels, fighting, in-breeding and doing the double. However, three families in the area have been monitored over a period of 36 months which have led to Professor Mike McKindlin’s findings:
On average, the loughshorian swallows over 4000 midges on any given week during the summer. This can occur when walking, running, hiding or just sleeping outside with your mouth open. This was the X Factor I’ve been looking for. I’m quite sure midges make you live longer.”
Doctors have long puzzled over why many chain-smoking alcoholics from the area have been able to celebrate their 100th birthdays in relatively good health. The NI Tourism Board are now looking for protected status for midges and are encouraging locals to begin making plans for the promotion of midge soup and midge sausages and the like.
They are also hoping 1980s star Midge Ure from Ultravox will get involved.
As well as making 15 changes to the starting team, it has been revealed that the Tyrone management team will try to confuse their opponents even further by wearing false moustaches, fake glasses and wigs
According to inside sources, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin was spotted walking around Ardboe with a pencilled moustache and NHS glasses at night time in order to get used to the experience. Meanwhile, manager Mickey Harte’s postman maintains he delivered over 30 different wigs since last week to Ballygawley, mostly ordered from Amazon.
It has also been suggested that some first team players refused to play in Harte’s wigs and were subsequently dropped. Cathal McShane was reportedly extremely vocal about refusing to wear an Elvis Presley hair and chest piece combo.
A squad player added:
“I just hope we recognise Mickey on Sunday. Apparently he’s dressing as Dolly Parton in order to completely bamboozle his opposite number, Jim Gavin. I hope it works to be honest.”
Meanwhile, Omagh groundspeople have promised to put sausages in the hot dogs this year after last year’s debacle.
48 hours on, Brocagh pipe-mender Jody Robinson is still pondering where he parked his car after popping in to Springisland supermarket in Coalisland to buy cheap toilet rolls and a chicken in a bag.
Robinson, who has been standing in the outside foyer, thinking, since Monday, thought he’d parked it on the left hand side as you come out but isn’t totally sure. He refuses to walk any further in case people laugh at him walking around looking for it.
Mrs Robsinson, speaking from her home on the loughshore, maintains he’s too proud to ask for help:
“Jody is stubborn. But he’d need to hurry up as there has been no toilet roll for two days now and the children are growing weary of docken leaves. The chicken will be bucked too.”
Meanwhile, an entrepreneur from Aghyaran claims he has a method to cure car-parking forgetfulness. He has invented a car key which, when pressed in an emergency, shouts ‘I’m over here’ in an accent of your choosing. So far, the most popular accents have been Gortin and Plumbridge.
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
A number of the Tyrone Senior GAA panel were today in a recording studio in Omagh compiling a short 2-track album of ‘The Sash My Father Wore’ and ‘The Ladies Orange Lodge’ as a gesture of reconciliation, after some of the younger players were filmed belting out a rebel song coming home from beating Cavan at the weekend.
Although none of them were actually caught singing the song that was recently heard on the Alan Partridge show, as senior members of the squad they decided to live up to their role model statuses.
A leaked video of the session in Omagh today showed Colm Cavanagh furiously but happily hammering away at a Lambeg Drum with the Donnelly brothers adept at flute accompaniment.
The squad member added:
“Who knew Colm would be great at the Lambeg too? The only downside was Petey Harte who didn’t seem to know how to play the triangle at all, always missing the beat by a good bit. He was asked to leave before the end – a musical black card of sorts which I thought was harsh.”
He also informed us that McShane sang like an angel, accompanied by McCurry who rapped a portion of The Sash to give it a modern slant.
The 2-track album will be available on Spotify by tonight and in all good record stores. A squad member confirmed tonight that all proceeds will go to the building of a massive bonfire in the middle of Carrickmore on the 11th night.
The Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.
They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.
The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:
“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”
Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.
Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:
“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.
PSNI officials have confirmed that over 400 complaints have already been made about teachers openly goading and sniggering at parents wrestling with their own children in shops and parks since yesterday morning.
With all schools on their summer breaks, parents have been faced with the trauma of over seven weeks of entertaining their own offspring in trying, warm conditions. Simultaneously, most teachers have embarked on a lengthy period of sleeping in, drinking from midday and general slouchiness whilst poking fun at their students’ parents.
Maisie McGrath, a mother of five aged 5-16, revealed she almost came to blows with her son’s P5 teacher near the pea section at Lidl in Cookstown yesterday:
“The bitch was smirking away whilst my lad was tugging at my tabard looking for the ice cream section. I know exactly what she was thinking. I also think she was pissed and it was only 1pm.”
Hundreds of other complaints were made regarding laughing and sniggering at cinemas as teachers sat in the back rows poking fun at parents balancing food and snattery crying children at the same time.
Police have sent a letter to all teachers warning them to show some remorse in these early days or teacher internment will be considered until the end of July.
Kerry’s Tomás O’ Sé has privately admitted to friends and family that he fears for his life after it emerged that Sean Cavanagh failed a Health and Safety check in RTE studios.
Cavanagh, who denies any behind the scenes deal with famous hair gel giants, failed a risk assessment test on Sunday before the programme went live. A lit match above the Tyrone legend’s hair managed to engulf the whole studio in flames for 4 seconds, scarring O’ Sé’s already naturally singed brows.
An RTE insider told us:
“Cavanagh would need to wise up. It’s ok being the professional women’s favourite but to put the whole studio at risk is reckless. Tomás has an appeal to the agricultural woman so he just rocks as he is and it is a whole lot safer.”
The Moy’s less defensive Cavanagh has repeatedly denied any deal with hair gel giants Brylcreem but insiders believe he may soon slap on gel live on TV to promote his own brand of homemade hair stuff.
Cavanagh will appear in future shows though RTE have promised to have extra fire extinguishers on hand under punishing studio lights.
A Tyrone County Board member has described today’s generation as ‘snowflakers’ after they were forced to cancel plans to have a cow swallow 8 small snooker balls with numbers on them and wait for her to shite them out to form the senior championship quarter final draw.
Local animal rights activists had promised to chain themselves to the gates at the Garvaghey GAA Centre if the draw went ahead in this fashion. One such member, Aidy McGuckian, explained:
“This idea was totally ridiculous. Cows don’t eat snooker balls. And even if it did, you could be waiting days for her to shite all 8 balls out. This wasn’t well thought out at all.”
A leaked report suggests that a mostly-successful trial run had already been carried out in a field near Pomeroy last week. The only hiccups reported were when the cow shat out 2 balls at the same time, and the cleaning of the balls.
An anonymous County Board member lambasted today’s generation as ‘total snowflakers with no imagination at all’ and hasn’t ruled out carrying out their idea behind closed doors.
It has emerged that seven schools in the county are currently forcing detained students to watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ on loop as an effective deterrent against bad behaviour in the classroom, for anything up to two hours depending on the severity of the offence.
Parents have complained of their children being scarred for life or in floods of tears on collection, after having to sit through at least one episode of the current new series as punishment.
However, many schools have reported a marked improvement in behaviour for the first time since corporal punishment was banned in all educational institutions in the late 80s.
Cookstown parent Banty Sheehy confirmed that he’s all on for the new initiative, claiming that his son’s behaviour has now improved at home as well:
“I’ve threatened him as well with watching it at home and locking the living room door. This TV show could really change young people’s mind-sets and tendency to do bad stuff. 20 minutes of the programme and my young lad is begging for forgiveness.”
The Education Authority maintain that they will monitor the situation but added that hordes of screaming children trying to escape through the windows of detention rooms is not a good look for prospective parents and pupils.
Hilary McGettigan, Principal of Gortin Academy, explained that they will only use the ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ treatment for serious misdemeanours such as nailing rotting fish to the underneath of the teacher’s desk or calling someone a ‘bollocks’,
It has emerged that there are now over an estimated 7000 men and women with thick Tyrone heads on them roaming about all counties in Ireland due to Tyrone’s tendency to go the back door route every year in the All Ireland Football Championship.
With Tyrone already preferring the scenic route in 2019, experts reckon that figure might reach 8000 before the season is out. The Red Hand county’s massive male travelling support have continued to woo local women in counties such as Carlow, Meath and Longford, the majority resulting in fairly brief but productive courtships.
Having dabbled in the back door route since 2002, counties such as Wexford and Leitrim already have Tyrone-blooded 17-year-olds playing for their county minor teams.
Leitrim county selector Liam O’Touhill reckons he has three boys playing for the U17 team with unmistakeable Tyrone heads on them:
“You can’t miss them. They have that sort of permanent scowl on the faces, liking for country music and some of their actions on the field are questionable to say the least. It’s no coincidence that Tyrone played here in 2002. The first game was called off after 10 mins because of rain and I know a pile of Tyrone boys went drinking in Carrick-on-Shannon that evening.”
Tyrone play Longford next week, having played there seven years ago. The county board have urged their male supporters to do the right thing if approached by a seven year old and their mother.
Meanwhile, Peter Harte has described as ‘ludicrous’ the accusation that he purposely got black carded last Saturday against Donegal so that he could see Love Island live on the TV.
Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.
“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”
Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.
Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:
“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”
Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.
After a petition to force a rewrite to the end of Game of Thrones gained over 1.5m signatures, an avid movie fan from Augher has managed to obtain over 100 similarly minded petition signers to ask for a rewrite to the end of Titanic.
The movie, starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio, ended with Winslet pushing Leonardo off a raft, sending him into an icy grave alongside the boat itself. Then all of a sudden DiCaprio and the boat make a dramatic recovery and they both get a round of applause by everyone who all seem to have survived too, before tackling Winslet romantically.
Augher lumberjack Kevin McCaughey added:
“It was completely stupid. The boat had been ripped in half and DiCaprio already murdered by Winslet. Then they’re all alive again and people clapping on the stairway at the magic of it all. I’m calling for a rewrite, wherein Winslet gets arrested in the water by a policeman who was passing by on a boat, and she is hanged.”
McCaughey revealed he is aims to start petitions regarding the ending of E.T. which will see the alien staying and integrating into American society, getting a job as a lab technician in a school but finally dying of heart failure having ballooned in weight to over 23 stone.
A Pomeroy fence-mender revealed to close friends and strangers that he spent nearly five minutes having a good long hard look at himself in his bedroom mirror.
Matt Grimes (55), who was hungover at the time due to having one drink too many at the Balmoral Show, maintains he has a fair idea about a few things now and promises to change some stuff and maybe try harder at other stuff.
Outside the Post Office, Grimes explained:
“I’d heard that phrase millions of times, about having long hard looks at yourself. So I tried it. And I can categorically say it’s pure brilliant. I’m gonna quit the drinking, be nicer to children and pray far more. After about 4 minutes of staring I nearly gave thousands to Trocaire but managed to snap out of that. I think 4 minutes is enough.”
Grimes displayed his new persona at the Post Office by buying three Choc Pops for his nephews up the road. The Post Office in Pomeroy sells ice lollies.
Meanwhile, experts at Queen’s University have confirmed that neanderthals did live in Trillick 300’000 years ago. Neanderthal droppings were spotted on a Primary School walk in the woods by P6 pupil Mary Quinn. Quinn received a cheque for £10 from the University which she revealed she’ll spent at the Pomeroy Post Office.