Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.
The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.
Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:
“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”
In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.
Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.
Tyrone Clubs Offered Opposition Teams Stetsons and Belts For League Points Alleges GAA Whistleblower
Tyrone GAA has been rocked by the allegtions that a rash of unusual results on the last day of the league may be linked to bribes and incentives such as new brown boots, clothes for wives and girlfriends, Blame It All On My Roots t-shirts and free CDs of top artists such as Philomena Begley, Big Tom, Hugo Duncan and Malachi Cush.
A whatsapp screenshot leak appears to suggest that two points were offered to a junior club by a rival in the division in exchange for the rights to a bus which had been booked to bring 60 fans down to Croke Park for the Brooks concert last weekend as well as 35 stetsons and over 20 American handkerchieves.
In one of the more blatant examples, a team who had been awarded a penalty managed to work the ball back from the penalty line and score an own goal with 30 seconds left in the game. Players of the fortunate winning team and their partners were all spotted getting off a bus in Drumcondra that night resplendid in new jeans, jen shorts and boots with spurs on them, inebriated.
Authorities in the county have yet to comment on the allegations but have agreed to investigate the stories after Brooks’ 5th concert on Saturday night.
Animal experts are fearing the worst after the escaped kangaroo was spotted giving people the how’s she cutting hand gesture through the window of an Ulster Bus and listening to Garth Brooks on a Sony Walkman.
Peter Campbell, a professor of Kangarooism at Ulster University, maintains he feared the marsupial could be Tyronised if not caught within 24 hours:
“Unfortunately the news isn’t good. I have just received word that the kangaroo was also spotted outside O’Neills and was sizing up a county half-zip whilst eating corned beef from the tin. The transformation might already be too late to reverse.”
In 1984 a wombat escaped in Brocagh and ended up running a poitin distillery at the loughshore and playing corner back for the Windmill. It was sent off three times in one game versus Dregish and was eventually jailed after a fight outside Mountjoy Castle.
UPDATE: The Kangaroo has been recovered and is currently undergoing a reversal procedure. Handlers have decided to let it keep the picture of Harry McClure.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Dungannon man Pedro Sanchez caused utter chaos around Tyrone’s second town, Dungannon, by putting out all three bins on the street last Tuesday. Under cover of darkness, Mr Sanchez, who lives at the top of Irish Street, has admitted to wheeling out the blue, brown and black bins and leaving them in plain sight the whole day before bin day which is on Thursday.
Sanchez, who plays right half back for the Clarkes Reserves, caused panic amongst those who only look up the road the night before bin day to see what the others have put out.
“the oul memory isn’t what it used to be”
said the 26-year-old. He continued:
“like, how are you supposed to remember the pin numbers for all your cards, the mobile phone numbers, the code for the front door at work, the passwords for your online accounts AND the feckin’ right bins to be put out every week.“
Riots broke out across the town as residents argued over what bin it should be. Even the bin men themselves got confused, started fighting too, and ended up mixing up all waste and recycling and just throwing it into the one lorry.
In what has been described as a ‘less than enterprising move’, Ardboe man Franklin O’Hagan has locally made no secret of the fact that he has been adding food dye to clear diesel, and plans to sell it out the back of his home-house.
Mr O’Hagan, who has invested in a sea container (for use as an office), a till for storing cash and printing receipts, 100kg of red food dye from China, and a special unit complete with gravity-fed fuel pump, is adamant that there is a demand for his product.
“\Lucksee, sure the whole country’s couped with prices of everything going up and no one knows when it will stop. There’s many’s a man on the breadline, and I’m not that far off it myself, hi!”
Despite friends and family warning him that buying clear diesel and colouring it made no financial sense, O’Hagan fumed:
“Half the country is trying to get back on the red, and sure nowhere seems to sell it anymore. What I’m doing is completely legal. I buy the clear diesel and pay the proper price for it, so no issue there with customs. I then choose to add the food dye to what is legally mine, again no issue, and then I sell her off to the punter at cheaper red diesel prices.”
When pressed further that this would mean a financial loss for him, and he is likely to lose everything, including his mother’s house, he told us that we were just jealous, and that he also has a shipment of green food dye on the way, for the “Mexicans coming up here til get cheaper stuff”.
In other unrelated news, Ardboe has seen a decrease in midges in recent weeks coupled with an upturn in tourism.
Fermanagh, who set the highest temperature this year when Derrylin recorded over 31 degrees on Monday, will have the opportunity to honour the thermometer today after it was announced the device will return from Dublin where it was verified by independent adjudicators.
In Dublin, the mercury was tested for illegal enhancements after rumours circulated on social media about its connections with shady figures from the greater Belcoo area, but were proven unfounded.
The bus top tour will begin in Newtownbutler at 1pm and head to Lisnaskea, Lisbellaw, Enniskillen, Trillick and then back down again finishing in Derrylin around 8pm. An Elvis impersonator from Brookeborough will perform Burning Love.
Fermanagh native Barney Darcy explained the significance:
“This is up there with the 2004 All Ireland Semi Final run. We’ve had to endure some horrid times recently with Armagh doing well this year and the Tyrone achieving the ultimate nightmare last year. The whole of Fermanagh will be out today cheering the mercury to the hilt. There’ll not be a piece of crystal made in the county for a week.”
The Tyrone thermometer was disqualified after it was found illegally overheating in the glove compartment of a 1988 Mazda RX-7 in a field near Beragh.
In what has been described as ‘another kick in the nuts in 2022’, Tyrone GAA have requested a meeting with the Orange Order to clarify why Tyrone flags were absent from their bonfires this year.
The 11th night bonfires, which are usually adorned with items of hate by the builders, are often an accurate gauge of successes within the nationalist communities from sport and politics to religion and music.
A Garvaghey spokesman explained his disbelief at the insult caused by the lack of Tyrone flags on the hate pyres:
I think this is a wake-up call for all associated with Tyrone GAA. There were even Derry flags and Armagh flags on the bonfires in Tyrone. It was humiliating. The Orange Order hate nearly everything but not us this year it seems. It’s like we’re irrelevant.
It is expected that pictures of this year’s bonfires will be pinned to the changing rooms for the first collective training session for next season by Dooher and Logan.
Meanwhile, archeologists have unearthed fossils which indicate that there were traffic wardens in Coalisland over 1000 years ago.
The final nail was driven into the argument that Sean McLaughlin’s point should have stood in the All Ireland Final of 1995 against Dublin after the English PM Boris Johnson today said that Canavan ‘definitely definitely’ touched it on the ground before passing to McLaughlin.
Johnson, who has a history of integrity and accuracy, claims he watched the match recently on Sky TV despite it not being on the schedule. When pushed on this, Johnson told a joke about three men in a bar, winked and then went for a cycle.
The Tyrone County Board admitted that this was devastating news but have now resigned themselves to not getting a replay 27 years on.
“That’s that then. Our last hope was that Johnson would see what we saw, but he’s siding with Paddy Russell and we have to accept it. The man is never wrong. We were hoping he’d look at a free we should have received in the ’86 final against Kerry but there’s no point now.”
Johnson also said Tyrone should have had more than 4 players sent off against the orange men in the league this year which was greeted with loud cheers from the DUP benchers behind him.
The GAA are currently poring over ways to make the outcome of drawn games look more Irish, with recitals and novelty acts leading the way according to a GAA Senate insider.
With the Galway/Armagh finish whipping up a furious backlash on social media at the weekend after Galway edged Armagh on penalties, GAA authorities have urged its secret voting hierarchy to come up with ideas that will prevent future comparisons with soccer.
Insiders have informed us that the notion was considered last week, with the Bard of Armagh and a Galway poet secretly contacted to compose a piece to be read out on Croke Park in the event of a draw. The referee, linesmen, and umpires were to decide on the winner by gathering in the middle of the field and talking about it for 15 minutes. The plan was abandoned after it emerged the Bard was actually from Eglish.
The GAA Senate is to trial the new initiative during the Tyrone Junior Championship and has already informed all clubs to get working on a short play or long poem in the case of a draw.
Meanwhile, Begley’s in Dungannon have not commented on the accusation that they recently made 1000s of Derry flags but sold them as Tyrone flags.
Wailing and gnashing of teeth was the common sound amongst the bushes this week as thousands of Tyrone children were forced to walk to the shop for messages, some walking as far as a mile in windy conditions.
With parents keen to save pounds on astronomical diesel costs, children as young as NINE have been asked to walk to shops to get stuff like milk, ham and the Irish News. Social Services are on high alert.
One teenager, who cannot be named for legal reasons, admitted it has been a trying week. Stephen Beggy (15) from Eskra added:
“This really should not be happening in 2022. At the same time, I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren about the time I’d to walk 3000 yards to buy a packet of sausages and butter. They’ll not believe me.”
Meanwhile, a Brocagh man has been shamed by locals after being spotted supporting Armagh in Clones a fortnight ago, wearing his club jersey. He is currently holed up in a derelict house near Carnan.
Several filling stations are being investigated this morning after customers complained of having less fuel in their tanks leaving the pumps than they had before they arrived.
Service stations across the county were inundated with complaints, with one punter from Auchnacloy claiming he had 88 miles on the clock when he arrived but left the forecourt with only 80 miles on it after sticking a tenner of diesel into his 1998 Nissan.
Johnny Campbell explained:
“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve to drive from Aughnacloy to Dungannon and back today so wanted to stick a tenner in to get the gauge over 100 miles. I couldn’t believe it when I drove off to find out the pump had actually sucked diesel out of the motor. I could even hear the sucking sounds at the time but thought it was just a new system they were using. Shower of robbing hoors.”
All of the main fuel companies have denied sucking the diesel and petrol out of vehicles but warned customers that they wouldn’t rule it out down the line.
After over 4000 votes in a poll carried out by The Tradesman Magazine in Omagh earlier this week, it has emerged that plasterers are the working-men that women desire most, with electricians, stove-fitters and roof-thatchers following closely behind. Joiners, unfortunately, came out bottom of the pile due to having bad knees and multiple limb amputations.
In reasons for giving their votes to plasterers, most women cited big hands, good at bending, stretching and lifting, and having plaster stuck in the hair, giving the men an interesting salt and pepper look as long as they didn’t shower.
On the other hand, joiners are said to be the worst at proposing due to banjaxed knees and having fingers and toes missing.
Bridget Tomney (55) from Cookstown confirmed the findings:
“When we hear that the plasterers are coming in to do the plastering in a new housing development, most of us take a week off work and just watch from our cars at the top of the estate. It’s like that Coke advert when the man drinks his Coke and the women are upstairs watching him. Then the joiners come in and we go back to work.”
This afternoon, Dungannon Tech revealed that they received over 2000 application forms for the Plastering course, including many married men forced to by their wives.
A long-forgotten rule in the GAA rulebook was unearthed by a fanatic in Bessbrook this morning, indicating that if one county defeats a neighbouring county three times within a year, then the losing county must nominate a 5-mile radius to be handed over to the victorious county for 12 months, before the end of that calendar year.
Dualta Moriarty, who stumbled across the rule when unsuccessfully looking for a different rule regarding calling an umpire a ‘glipe’, also explained how the losing county must nominate the piece of land to be handed over, without consulting the affected community.
Rule 34.2.3 of the official GAA rulebook has been forwarded to the Tyrone county board who have a preliminary shortlist already drawn up which includes Eglish, Moygashel, Windmill, Urney and Fivemiletown.
Trillick was initially included in the shortlist but was withdrawn after an objection from Fermanagh who already lay claim to most of the area.
Eglish man Tommy Jordan warned the county board:
“See if those hoors in Garvaghey sell us down the river, they’ll never have a McGleenan or McKenna play for the county again”
Moygashel residents have welcomed their nomination, stating that they love the Armagh jersey.
The Anglo-Celt cup has heaped praise on its new home after being showered with compliments since its arrival last night. The trophy, which has resided in neighbouring counties in recent years, has been amazed at the respect shown towards it, with almost everyone calling it ‘Sir’.
“I can’t get over how nice these Derry ones are. It’s ‘sir’ this and ‘sir’ that. I was in Slaughtneil last night and even when they were filling me full of Harp they were still saying things like ‘bate in into ye, Sir’ or ‘jaysus that tasted good, Sir.’ And the funny thing is, I’ve never been knighted and never would be.”
The Anglo-Celt has been penciled in for a trip to Ballinderry, with Derry officials running a military-like operation to keep it away from the Tyrone ones after what happened to it in the Moy last year. The trophy refused to be drawn on what happened that night last July but claimed it was worse than the time the Donegal ones kicked the lining out of it, up and road the main road in Bundoran.
Derry officials will end a whirlwind tour of the county by bringing it to Barry’s in Portrush which isn’t in Derry, but the slot machines in Portstewart aren’t as good.
A petition, which started in Carrickmore, has now over 8000 county-wide signatures asking for schools to remain open over the summer holidays to make up for lost time over the last few years.
Organisers have denied the accusation that it is a petition motivated by revenge due to long periods of homeschooling and general presence of children in the house for far longer than normal during the past 24 months.
Margaret Tynan, a mother of 9 from Plumbridge, explained:
“Now that schools are nearly back to normal, we think it’s only right that children stay in for 2 months to make up for lost time. Let’s be honest, they did nothing during remote learning. And as for the teachers, don’t start me. I heard one teacher say ‘for f**k sake’ when my son showed up for his online class, thinking no one would. Get them all into work.”
Schools have been using an open-window policy during the height of the pandemic and will be advised to keep them open during the scorching heat of July if the petition is successful.
Teaching Unions are expected to challenge the petition.
In what could be the start of a series of sanctions either side of the Blackwater, Armagh farmers, in an effort to unsettle their bush-dwelling neighbours, have ceased selling apples to Tyrone vendors and the general Red-Hand public as of today, 26th May – a full 10 days before both counties meet in a winner-takes-all back door game in the Athletic grounds.
Homes throughout Tyrone will have to forgo apple pies, apple crumbles and just apple-eating in general for the foreseeable future due to the draconic sanctions which have been allegedly attributed to McGeeney and his backroom team.
Thousands of Tyrone school children left home this morning in floods of tears, having to do with pears and mangos instead of their traditional apple and a lump of cheese.
Pat McHurl from Ardboe, who has been eating apples since he was about 3, fumed:
“If this is how they want to play it, bring it on. Tyrone airspace and waters are a no-go area from now on for Armagh ones with their drones, pigeons and boats. I saw a boy from Maghery veer towards the Washingbay in his boat this morning and he received two air rifle pellets as a warning inches above his head. Pigeons with Armagh heads on them are legitimate targets.”
Local politicans have appealed for calm as there are still 10 days left.
The Queen of England denied Coalisland’s application for city status after walking through the town on Google Maps and being aghast at the lack of official parking facilities, as well as the roundabout not being big enough or just even used.
Additionally, it emerged that a Dungannon man, nicknamed Tee Colton, sabotaged the bid after writing to Buckingham Palace slagging Coalisland about its lack of castles and swimming pools.
An angry Coalisland man who has lived in the town since 1929, and took part in the infamous cinema brawl after Rocky 3 was shown in the picture house, summed up the mood of the town:
“Fcuk her. Coalisland is the centre of the county, the province and possibly the world. We don’t want her and her horses looking for parking and them shiteing all over our beautiful roads. And as for Colton, that’s the last time I’ll shop in Wellworths.”
Brackaville is tabling a bid for city status in 2028 by tidying up the golf course and chasing the goat away from the 5th hole.
A Brocagh woman is considering her options after mistakenly marrying the best man, her groom’s brother who returned to Ireland last week, during a twilight wedding in the local church last week.
Brigid Vernon, who used to date the best man, Brendan Hanna, in the 80s before he broke her heart by leaving to go to America to sell water filters, says she got mixed up during the ring ceremony and put the ring on her groom-to-be’s brother in the semi-darkness, despite the groom, Tommy, asking ‘what the f**k are ye at?’ at the time.
Brigid, who is currently honeymooning with the best man in Mexico, told us that the unfortunate incident was simply a series of coincidences due to the bulb going out on the altar ten minutes before the twilight ceremony started.
It’s some handling alright. To be fair, Brendan has enjoyed himself on the holiday so far and we’ve been reminsicing about good times at Clubland although I haven’t brought up the time he dumped me to go sell water filters in the States though I’m sure I’ll bring it up tonight when I’ve a few pints in me. I hope Tommy is ok at home though. I’ll see what happens when I get back sure.”
Brocagh Parish has promised to fix the bulbs in the church as soon as Brigid gets back as she has the contract for lighting in the building.
Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.
In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.
And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.
Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.
“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”
In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.
In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.
The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.
The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 220.127.116.11 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.
Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.