Harry Windsor Claims Gough Should Have Sent Off More Tyrone Men v Armagh
In an explosive chapter in his book ‘Spare’, the German Harry Windsor has railed against Tyrone’s defence of their All-Ireland title last year and claims that David Gough ‘should have sent off half a dozen more red arses’ during the NFL battle at the Athletic Grounds last February.
Armagh fanatic Harry, who also goes by the name Earl of Cappagh, attended the game after secretly seeing to his land in Cappagh and greater Pomeroy during the middle of the night. Although his wife, Megan, didn’t attend the game, she followed the commentary on Radio Ulster in America whilst making sandwiches for Harry’s return.
The chapter, titled ‘Tyrone Hoors and Orange Delight’, is to be serialised by the Tyrone Courier next month and also includes his thoughts on fracking, lignite and diesel dipping.
In a remarkable outburst, Windsor maintains that Gough should also have sent off McShane, Canavan and Tiernan McCann. When quizzed by Oprah Winfrey on how McCann could have been sent off when he has already retired, Harry started making gun signs with his fingers at Winfrey and said she’d need to be careful.
It later emerged that Meghan Markle was a big fan of McCann’s and had him as her screensaver in 2001. Markle’s great granda was one of the Mackles from the Moy.
Riots In Brackaville Over Decorations Taken Down Early
Police have called for calm in Brackaville after fights broke out in several estates over the taking down of decorations by several residents, a full week before the traditional Brackaville take-down.
An old law established in the townland states that no decorations should be taken down before January 6th, despite many flouting the rules in recent years, taking them down as early as January 1st.
However, a group of Brackavillians decided to push the boundary further and took down their decorations today, 29th December, in broad daylight, resulting in vicious name-calling and the throwing of sandwiches and Quality Street across the street by irate traditionalists.
Kitty Gillis, who is refusing to take hers down until the 6th of January, fumed:
“Nothing but whores and tramps, themuns who took them down today. And we let them know it too. Brackaville won’t recover from this split for a generation. I pity the younguns.”
Although calm was restored tonight, several windows of the parochial hall were put in after they removed tinsel from a lamp post this evening.
SF leaders McDonald & O’Neill At Odds Over Importance Of Soda Bread in United Ireland
A Sinn Fein insider has confirmed that Mary Lou McDonald and Michelle O’Neill are refusing to see eye-to-eye over the role of soda bread in a united Ireland, with O’Neill adamant that history will not judge McDonald kindly if she doesn’t encourage more soda bread consumption as a staple ingredient of the morning fry.
In a survey carried out by Cosmopolitan magazine, over 80% of breakfast eaters in the 26 counties do not consider soda bread as a breakfast item or delicacy of any kind, citing that it reminded them of the culchies who came down to watch Garth Brooks in Croke Park, reeking of soda bread.
In a further development, McDonald and O’Neill had a minor scuffle over potato bread which McDonald won by getting O’Neill in a headlock and confirming that potato bread is a non-starter, as well as beef sausages.
The SF insider added:
“I can’t see O’Neill budging over the soda bread. She has 250’000 first preference voters who are mad about the soda bread and she stands to lose a lot if she doesn’t demand its inclusion. McDonald really should give it a go. I understand about the potato bread though. It’s hit and miss and McDonald was right to wrestle over that one.”
Although beef sausages are eaten in some parts of Ireland including Wicklow, Clare and Mayo, it is not consumed at the same rate as in the six counties, with 96% of the population eating up to four beef sausages a day.
Qatari Billionaire Launches Bid To Buy Brocagh Emmetts GAC. Christmas Prize Draw Now £500’000.
A young Qatari billionaire, Mohammad Bate-Al-Aroundim, has announced lavish plans to regenerate East Tyrone as a Mecca for Tyrone football which includes an ambitious plan to build a 30’000 seater stadium in Brocagh overlooking Lough Neagh and Mountjoy Castle.
Aroundim, who made his money selling water filters and wooden pallets before moving onto oil and stuff, has tabled a robust bid which includes a big machine to suck up midges on matchdays, half time entertainment in the form of music that’s big in that area right now such as Culture Club, Madness and ZZ Top, as well as a £9m initiaive to fill in all the pot holes around the surrounding area as far north as Ballinderry.
Brocagh clubman Noddy Davidson has welcomed the bid but is unsure if the man from Qatar knows what he’s buying:
“Aye he keeps going on about having adverts set up when they are taking corners and having celebrities do the kick-off. He might think it’s soccer but we’ll say nothing yet til the stuff is built and the money is in the account. Derrylaughan will be ripping. All they have are swings and slides, sure.”
Bate-Al-Aroundim has also asked for the Brocagh captain to consider wearing a lacy gown if they win the Junior.
The Christmas Draw has been boosted to £500’000 from the original £500 by an anonymous source. Second prize is now a camel instead of a turkey.
Rush To Panic Buy Swimming Trunks & Bikinis In Cookstown As Barra Best Announces Winter Solstice
A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
Tyrone’s Only Conservative Politician Urges Locals To Eat Insects
In something akin to a passage in a Jonathan Swift novel, Tyrone’s only Conservative politician, Sir Charles Urquhart Nathaniel-Thompson addressed a rally in Cabragh and told how the ‘fine people of Tyrone should be eating insects’, citing costs savings to be achieved from such ventures.
Sir Nathanial Thomspon spoke of how and why this ‘lifestyle change’ should happen:
“Tyrone is full of big spiders and daddy long legs. At this time of year, there are all sorts of weird and wonderful insects and invertebrates to be found, and indeed they can be easily scraped from the lights of the front of one’s car, of an evening. By god, one does not even have to keep them frozen of a cold night, but may just collect them the next morning. Yes they might taste a bit smokey or petrol fumey, but we all must make sacrifices in these times of austerity”
He went on to state that jam jars with water in them provide a great source of insects, but refused to be drawn on whether he is pressing for an emergency bill to rush through a jam jar tax, or that he had given lucrative jam jar contracts to his wife’s newly established firm.
During the poorly attended rally, he told the three or four gathered that surviving on insects meant more disposable income to blow on heating costs.
We caught up with him enjoying a steak dinner in Quinn’s Corner to ask him if he was serious and he told us to go away or he would release the hounds.
East Tyrone Woman Beats Shit Out Of Christmas Tree Over Lights Issue
A middle-aged loughshore woman, who has been described as a previously calm and measured member of the community, had to be sedated on Sunday night after her 3000-bulb Christmas tree lights refused to turn on despite working before being put on the tree.
The lady in question was dragged from the tree at midnight by her husband and children, only after she had subjected the tree to a ‘wild beating’ as well as a sustained verbal volley of abuse over the course of two hours.
Despite turning the tree on and off over 50 times, replacing the fuse, trying different plugs and extension leads, praying, three cups of tea and a bottle of gin, and face-timing a local electrician at 11pm, the lights were violently pulled off the tree and kicked into the shed just after midnight. She then viciously attacked the tree and threatened to ‘put it up where the sun don’t shine’ on anyone who tried to stop her.
The family doctor managed to sedate the tree-attacker and has told the family not to tell her that the lights are now working again.
Elon Musk Buys House In Stewartstown. Plans To Turn Town Into Massive Car Charging Station.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, the Boring Company, and now the owner of Twitter was spotted coming out of a Cookstown estate agent this morning. When asked why, he excitedly shouted, “I just bought a mansion in the Stewartstown, goddamit!”
The South African native was reportedly finally sold on the idea when he caught Stewartstown Harps GAC’s win on a chipped firestick at his home. It is said he was between two minds between the Maldives or Tyrone but the game and the manner of Stewartstown’s win clinched it for him.
When pressed why he told a clatter of onlookers:
“I need to be surrounded by ‘can do’ people. I don’t like ‘no’ and I REALLY love red and white.”
Mr Musk has reportedly told those closest to him that he wants to change the nickname of the club from the Harps to the “Steamrollers”
Musk confirmed on his Twitter account that he plans to install an incredible 10,000 electric car charging stations in the town, which logistically is impossible, given 63 is considered gridlock in the town at present. There are also rumours that he plans to freeze Lough Neagh and use it to store Twitter servers to keep them cool.
In other news, Feargal Logan has urged his co-manager Brian Dooher to call up the entire Harps forward line to train with the county panel.
Dungannon Swifts To Offer Ronaldo Career Lifeline With 3-Year Deal Plus Extras
East Tyrone soccer club Dungannon Swifts have thrown Portuguese man Cristiano Ronaldo a career lifeline, offering the want-away Man United player a lucrative three-year contract until 2025, including a free rental car for the first year from Donnelly Brothers, and nine holes free of charge at Brackaville Golf Course, Wednesday to Friday only.
Although his agent has yet to confirm whether or not he will accept the offer, our sources told us that he is also pushing for home heating oil as payment by McKernan Fuels as well as free tickets to the pictures on Saturday nights for the duration at his stay in Dungannon.
A Swifts player, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“He’ll need to pull his weight and dung out around the defence. We’re not deadly at the defending and he wouldn’t need to be running to the Democrat or Courier if things go badly. But he’ll love the town and sure his second cousin Renato Ronaldo does the recruitment at Moy Park if the wife wants to earn a couple of extra bob in the month.”
The club rejected a clause that if he scored 100 goals in three years that a statue was to be built in the Ponderosa area or even Lisnahull.
Ronaldo was unavailable for comment but a man looking a bit like him was seen having a fish supper as Mossa’s Chippy at the Tamnamore Roundabout.
Clady Sword Swallower Banned From Children’s Parties
Clady native, Patrick “Ditzy” Finn, has been banned from working at children’s parties following a “less than successful” attempt at entertaining children at a Hallowe’en event at St Columba’s Primary School in the village earlier this week.
We understand that Mr Finn, who promised “fun and frolics” on his little flyers, was unable to contort his balloons into the animals requested by the children in attendance, and was only able to make what he called “lengths of sausages”. His clown outfit left one child needing psychiatric care, and one little girl with a black eye after his juggling went astray.
One concerned parent, Mary Reilly, who wished to remain anonymous, told us:
“The straw that broke the camel’s back was his sword swallowing bit. You see, at the start he came in all bleary-eyed, smelling of drink and as soon as the stainless steel hit his lips, he regurgitated all over the PE hall floor. He clearly had a lot of Red Bull and a breakfast roll that morning, will LOTS of onions… it was disgusting. I pity the poor cleaner who has to try to scrub that from between those wee thin wooden strips of a floor”
Unconfirmed reports claim that Finn had a full-sized live tiger in his HiAce van ready for his encore, but thought better of that after he was asked to cut his performance short by the principal. The ISPCA is currently looking into whether there is in fact a tiger in the van, still parked outside the school, as it keeps “rocking and roaring” after he went straight to the pub and hasn’t been heard of. His wife is appealing for witnesses.
In other news, Donaghmore residents have been disgusted that the council can’t somehow stop the rain from wetting their footpaths.
Riots Break Out In Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Strabane Over Lack Of Bounties In Celebrations
Shop owners have called for calm after fighting broke out in stores across the county today after Mars Wrigley said it would be eliminating the sweet from some of its tubs.
The Bounty, which research shows is the one sweet most likely to be left over towards the end of the tin’s lifespan, is a staple sweet in Tyrone and has over 20 Bounty Fan Clubs in its honour, from as far apart as Ardboe and Aughabrack.
A store in Strabane was set alight after a gang of elderly shoppers tore open three boxes to find there were no Bounties in them at all. They also attempted to beat up the man at the Post Office in the shop even though he was only a part-time worker drafted in that day and in reality has nothing to do with Mars.
Dungannon proprietor Willie Baker admitted he fears the Christmas period:
“The over 40s in Tyrone are mad about the Bounty and I forsee trouble ahead. I’ve already barricaded the windows and have hired 3 bouncers for December. And I only own a wee shop. There’ll be mass destruction in them big ones. For the love of God, Mars Wrigley, give them the feckin Bounty back.”
A riot in Coalisland was narrowly averted when the local chip shop lowered its cowboy supper price for the day, with a free Lilt.
DUP MLAs Addicted To Loose Women & Daytime TV, Claim GPs
GPs have confirmed that in the absence of power-sharing at Stormont, many DUP members have become addicted to watching daytime TV and may need several sessions of counselling to get them ready for the real world when the time comes.
Reluctant to name names, one GP maintained that three high-profile male DUP MLAs have become acutely addicted to Loose Women and have already shown signs of aggression if they miss out on even one day during the week. Homes Under The Hammer has also become a favourite, especially for MLAs from county Down.
“It’s a hidden side-effect from their reluctance to go into government. We’re now urgently asking for the DUP to go back to work in order to release funds to help their own DUP members who can’t tear themselves away from Coleen Nolan and reruns of Murder She Wrote.”
In other news, a rally was held in Larne last night over the Brexit Protocol. Over 40 people attended and stirring speeches were made from the podium. When asked what the Protocol was, an attendee told us:
“I haven’t a clue to be honest but if themuns don’t mind it, it must be bad for us.”
The weather will pick up this weekend.
More Men Come Forward To Admit They Don’t Preheat Oven
Following on from the revelation last week that a man in Augher has never preheated the oven in his life, over 40 other men have come forward on social media and in public, admitting they also don’t preheat the oven before sticking in the food.
Francis McKenna, who told parishioners last Sunday at a bowls game that he has never preheated the oven despite clear guidance to do so, has admitted that he feels comforted that 43 other men have shared similar sentiments in the week since his declaration:
“Yes, I do feel a bit better about it now and I won’t be changing my ways. I can tell you now, preheating the oven is a nonsense. If I put in a chicken and ham pie for 40 minutes instead of preheating for 10 and then putting it in for 30 minutes, it’ll taste the same. It means you don’t have to remember putting the pie in after preheating it. I heard of a man who preheated the oven and forgot and the dinner wasn’t made at all. His family had to make toasted sandwiches.”
McKenna also revealed he is in the early stages of planning an anti-preheating rally in Fivemiletown next month.
Brand New Second-Hand Car Dealership Opens In Cookstown Amidst Confusion Over Name
A Cookstown entrepreneur has defended his business operation from allegations of making no sense, after his Brand New Used Cars (BNUC) shop opened in the centre of Cookstown last week.
BNUC sold 20 cars last week, all described as ‘brand new’ despite having anything between 30000 and 200000 miles on the clock, with some needing a new exhaust or engine and nearly all with no working lights.
Paddy McClane admits it was a risky venture but is paying off already:
“See, what we do is we make brand new cars but we put in gear boxes that have been driven into shite or engines that have blown several times in its history. But it’s a brand new car because these parts have never all been in the same motor at the same time. It’s a no-brainer.”
When pushed on what parts are specifically brand new, McClane mumbled something under his breath whilst six large alsatians started to slowly move towards where we were standing.
Rock Anglers Delighted That Irish Women’s Soccer Team Finally Acknowledge Them
The Rock Anglers (RA) have expressed their gratitude that the Irish Women’s Soccer side has finally shone a national light on their achievement of being the fastest-growing angling club in Tyrone since 1991, by singing about them after qualifying for the World Cup.
The RA, who fish mostly in the River Blackwater for salmon and brown trout, currently has over 30 anglers ranging from the ages of 13 to 81, and recently went on an excursion to Wexford although no one caught anything apart from the 81-year-old who nearly caught his end after a drenching in Arklow.
“We’re just delighted that us in the RA now have the recognition we deserved. Our only hope now is that the women’s team maintain the momentum and bring the RA singing to the world stage in Australia and New Zealand next year. Dunno why them DUP ones don’t like us. We catch catholic and protestant fish.”
The RA have brought out their own CD which includes their hit singles ‘Come Out You Pike and Bream’ and ‘You Can Stick Yer Angling Licences Up Your Hole’.
Netflix To Make Series On Coalisland Roundabout Stand-Off
In what has been described as a cross between Money Heist and a spaghetti western, Netflix has announced that they’re to make a 5-series epic based on the real event of the first four vehicles arriving at the new traffic calming measure in Coalisland in 1995.
The subscription-based streaming service has agreed to stay loyal to the exact events, which ultimately ended in accusations of cannibalism, drive-by shootings, and an impromptu rosary in the centre of the roundabout, following a 6-day stand-off.
The four cars, which came from Edendork, Clonoe, Brackaville and Stewartstown, have been reconstructed for the event as well as the hairstyles and clothes from early 90s Tyrone.
Daniel Day-Lewis has agreed to play Tommy Coney from Clonoe who ended up whacking a pensioner from the town over the head with a Kent & Stowe Carbon Steel Tree Planting Spade (Round Mouth) for telling him to hurry up, and has admitted he had never heard of Coalisland but will spend a day in the town perfecting the accent:
“Aye I’d never heard of it.”
The roundabout was never used again.
Eskra Amazon Driver, Caught Keeping “Presents” For Himself, Avoids Jail
A part time driver for amazon has appeared at Omagh Magistrates Court following a police raid on his home which led to the discovery of over 1000kgs of unopened deliveries.
Mickey “tealeaf” Rogers has been handed down a suspended sentence and required to undertake 40 hours community service.
Mr Rogers was also found to be in contempt of court after he requested proceedings be undertaken in Irish, and following lengthy and costly procedures to have this facilitated he just kept repeating “an bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí and leithreas” which according to google means Ireland the Brave, and is tattooed on many Americans.
TT caught up with Mr Rogers outside court, who appeared unrepentant.
“Lucksee, they can say whatever they want like. Them presents were mine. I tried to give them away and nobody answered me.. Fair is fair. Anyway, they can say whatever they want with their fancy wigs. I don’t recognise the court.”
When we pointed out to Mr Rogers that not complying with the court order to undertake community service could lead to further trouble, he told us ‘they can go and shite’.
In other news, with the evenings are fairly getting darker, Barra Best has announced on BBC that, officially, there is no stretch in them at all now.
Moygashel Vendor Caught Selling Flashing Statues And Rosary Beads After Census Figures Revealed
Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.
The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.
Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:
“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”
In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.
Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.
Tyrone Clubs Offered Opposition Teams Stetsons and Belts For League Points Alleges GAA Whistleblower
Tyrone GAA has been rocked by the allegtions that a rash of unusual results on the last day of the league may be linked to bribes and incentives such as new brown boots, clothes for wives and girlfriends, Blame It All On My Roots t-shirts and free CDs of top artists such as Philomena Begley, Big Tom, Hugo Duncan and Malachi Cush.
A whatsapp screenshot leak appears to suggest that two points were offered to a junior club by a rival in the division in exchange for the rights to a bus which had been booked to bring 60 fans down to Croke Park for the Brooks concert last weekend as well as 35 stetsons and over 20 American handkerchieves.
In one of the more blatant examples, a team who had been awarded a penalty managed to work the ball back from the penalty line and score an own goal with 30 seconds left in the game. Players of the fortunate winning team and their partners were all spotted getting off a bus in Drumcondra that night resplendid in new jeans, jen shorts and boots with spurs on them, inebriated.
Authorities in the county have yet to comment on the allegations but have agreed to investigate the stories after Brooks’ 5th concert on Saturday night.
Tyrone Kangaroo Spotted On Bus To Trillick Wearing Checked Shirt And Brown Shoes
Animal experts are fearing the worst after the escaped kangaroo was spotted giving people the how’s she cutting hand gesture through the window of an Ulster Bus and listening to Garth Brooks on a Sony Walkman.
Peter Campbell, a professor of Kangarooism at Ulster University, maintains he feared the marsupial could be Tyronised if not caught within 24 hours:
“Unfortunately the news isn’t good. I have just received word that the kangaroo was also spotted outside O’Neills and was sizing up a county half-zip whilst eating corned beef from the tin. The transformation might already be too late to reverse.”
In 1984 a wombat escaped in Brocagh and ended up running a poitin distillery at the loughshore and playing corner back for the Windmill. It was sent off three times in one game versus Dregish and was eventually jailed after a fight outside Mountjoy Castle.
UPDATE: The Kangaroo has been recovered and is currently undergoing a reversal procedure. Handlers have decided to let it keep the picture of Harry McClure.