Tyrone GAA Rocked Again As Overturned Armagh Suspensions Transferred To Red Hands

In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.

The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.

The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 4.3.2.3 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.

Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.

Fermanagh Fans To Turn Brewster Park Into Bloodthirsty Coliseum For Tyrone Match

As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.

The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.

FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:

“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”

Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.

Foster Says Carrickmore Is A Bit Too Tyroney

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Following on from her comments that St Patrick’s Day was a wee bit too Irish, Arlene Foster drove through Carrickmore today on her way to a cattle mart in Strabane and was reportedly overheard telling a farmer that Carrickmore looked a wee bit too Tyroney.

Foster, who unsuccessfully bid on three heifers and a bull, maintained that the Tyrone village was full of people with ‘them thick Tyrone heads on them and tight 1980s short and them all eating cowboy suppers and licking Choc Ices‘.

Foster also lamented that, having stopped in the shop in Carrickmore to buy the Newsletter, nearly everyone was called Cahair or Barry or Gormley or McElduff.

Carrickmore Tourism Board have already responded tonight, claiming that Carrickmore is a cosmopolitan village and even had a boy from France in the laundrette washing his jeans two years ago, much to the enjoyment of three female Carrickmore pensioners, one of whom was taken to the local doctor after a fainting fit.

Foster did welcome the plethora of Ivory Coast flags on display though.

Comedians Across The County Fear The Slap Since Oscars

Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.

Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.

Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.

The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.

In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.

Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.

Kerry GAA Hire Former Sniper As Water Bottle Watchman For Tyrone Match

In order to prevent any high jinks from the dastardly men from the bushes, Kerry GAA have employed a well known sniper from the Irish Army who, in one day, sniped 24 blackbirds which were pecking the foil off the top of milk bottles in 1984.

Although water breaks have been abolished, the highly suspicious Kingdom want to make sure that any devious plans being concocted up in Garvaghey this week are quashed immediately, with Kerry defensive coordinator Paddy Tally from Galbally reportedly listing, forcibly against his will, all the things the Red Hands devised during his time as Tyrone trainer in the early 00s.

The changing rooms have also been permanently locked for two weeks in case a rascal from the north of the country manages to sabotage the stereo system and blare out Hugo or Philomena just as Jack O’Connor dishes out last minute instructions to his charges.

Kerryman Dingle O’Dwyer explained:

“Let’s call a spade a spade here. We want to send these hoors down. The pain they’ve inflicted upon us for 20 years still keeps us awake at night, even when we’re full. Sometimes during the day I have dreams of Ricey running about grinning and Gooch having no eyeballs. They’re not making a dick outta us again with the arty dark stuff.”

In other news, there were strong winds and eerie sounds heard in Ballygawley last night. Three witches were initially reported to be roaming the ramparts. It later turned out to be three Dungannon girls making their way home after a session in Quinn’s.

Lockdown Sees Worrying Rise In Cousin Fancying Again Along Tyrone/Derry Border, Says Study

diagram sent to schools

Scientists at the University of Ulster have confirmed that a lesser-talked about side effect from the last couple of years has been the rise in local men and women starting to fancy their cousins again, especially those on the Derry side of Ballinderry and Lissan.

Due to part-isolation and not straying too far from their localities, the century old problem of cousins tackling each other in hedges and bell towers has risen its head to levels not seen since the 1950s in the Mid-Ulster area.

Schools have already been asked to educate pupils on the dangers of cousin-fancying and point to some unusual looking families on the Tyrone/Derry border as evidence, although most of that was put down to just marrying Derry ones.

Ulster GAA have already confirmed that should Tyrone defeat in the preliminary round of the Ulster Championship and go on to meet Derry, there will be piles of segregation going on between the two sets of supporters to prevent further fancying, with a dozen priests signed up to roam the stand in order to cut out the scourge of related courting.

Logan And Dooher Fix Tyrone Bench Problem

By Eamonn Lowe

Yesterday morning over a Mocha (oat milk, 3 brown sugars), Fergal Logan finally broke his silence around the ‘Tyrone Bench Question’ which has single-handedly kept Irish News journalists busy for three months due to a rash of retirements.

Ignoring the £4.50 caramel squares, Fergal explained:

“You know, the boys call her “Denise”…always have done. But Brian and I just knew she wasn’t right…We tried her ourselves and you just couldn’t sit on her for more than a few minutes without getting sort of sore…and after 20 minutes or so you started to feel desperately out of sorts, your mouth went dry and your fingers started sweating”. 

Warming to the topic, like a man who loves to burn his own tongue with a chocolate froth, Fergal continued:

“Brian and I had many an anguished word on this up there in the Garvaghy rain. I said I’d rebuild Denise from scratch with only the finest materials: timber you’d kill your best yew for, reinforced ratchets and bolts dipped in the bleep-test tear bucket…Brian, being Brian enrolled himself on an online Feng Shui course. He’s 5th Dan in that now, he never stops…and now today I want to reassure all Tyrone supporters that this new bench…this new Denise – Dazzler’s calling her “Darling Denise”, not that he’s allowed near her, is the finest bench that’s ever graced a Tyrone squad …in terms of her physical make up I mean… and that Brian himself has her whole energies and what-nots fully aligned and we just want this whole question of our bench to now be put to bed – as it were, like”.

This new bench was unveiled to the squad on Tuesday night in a behind-closed-doors ceremony. Fergal wouldn’t be drawn on whether those Tyrone players who remain in the squad were banned from sending photos of Denise to ex-players, now estranged.

Red Diesel Merchants Seen Winking, Smirking And Rubbing Hands

Several red diesel merchants in the county were reported to be in ‘great spirits’ at the weekend as fuel prices soared across the country.

One high profile red dieseler was surrounded by over 300 parishioners after leaving Mass on Sunday morning in Eskra, with one onlooker claiming he was the most popular man in the area since the local ice-cream man started serving under the counter stuff last summer.

A Brackaville professional people-watcher, Pat Sheehy, claimed one of the fuel merchants he knows ‘couldn’t have been annoyed’ at the weekend, despite several attempts to annoy him.

“He was in some form, and has been for over a week. He keeps winking and saying ‘well boys’ in a very annoying manner. I tried some heavy slagging but he’s in such good form it didn’t bother him. I can’t quite put my finger on it. He even bought a new campervan with a double duvet.”

The PSNI have warned motorists that an intense dipping sessions will begin next week. Car owners in the greater Coalisland area have confirmed they will develop a new way of warning fellow drivers of the dippers, but will not be using the ‘how’s she cutting’ universal sign.

Stewartstown Man Demanding Half Of Winnings From Scratch Card He Gifted To Cousin On Birthday

A Stewartstown boiler servicer is currently involved in a stand-off with his cousin after the latter won £25 on a scratch card the former bought him for his 50th birthday.

Aphonsis Logan (51) is refusing to talk to his relative, Proinsias, until he hands back at least £12.50 from the winnings, and has even gone as far as saying he’ll settle for a tenner, reluctantly.

“What kind of a bollocks scratches a winning card that was gifted to him, and then boasts about it to the man who bought it for him. I’m currently in discussion with our other cousin Fergal to see if there is a legal entitlement here. And he can forget about crossing my land to get to the well.”

Proinsias has been instructed by his wife not to budge on the matter, insisting that the £25 has been spent already anyway, in the local butchers.

In other news, a speed bump has been erected up the aisle in a church near Lissan after the local priest complained of being put under pressure to dish out communion.

New Record For Strabane As Man Takes Three Hours To Find End Of Selloptape

Strabane have made the news once again after a 54-year-old mathematics teacher spent just over three hours trying to find the end of a Selloptape, missing an entire film he had been looking forward to in the process.

Johnny McIlhennon, who broke the record set by a Columbian trader in 1988, almost gave up after two hours of searching for the end, flinging the tape at a wall and calling it a ‘hateful b**tard’ and a ‘sticky oul tramp’.

His wife, Mary (68), phoned the Guinness World Record crowd for verification:

“Yes, they said it’s a record. This is the second time he has made that book, after breaking the record for trying to find the end of a bin liner for 85 minutes. The only disappointing thing is that he missed Rocky I which he had been looking forward to for ages. Not sure if it will ever be on again.”

McIlhennon’s frustration was furthered after he was unable to tape the window back up with the Selloptape after he’d smashed it trying to open it with a crowbar.

In other news, a wind farm owner in Claudy said it was his best weekend ever.

Leaked Paper Confirms GAA Have Offered Weekend In Bundoran For Ref Giving Most Red Cards In 2022

A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.

At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.

The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.

David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:

“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”

Windmill GAC Asked By FIFA To Compete In South American World Cup Qualifiers To Put Manners On Locals

Famed east Tyrone side Windmill GAC, who have never stopped training since their demise 30 years ago ‘just in case‘, has finally received a request to assemble the troops and embark on a 9000-mile journey to South America to play Paraguay, Uruguay and Bolivia in a 4-team tournament before the 2022 World Cup.

The call from international soccer body FIFA comes after a rash of red cards in a series of matches over the weekend in the qualifying tournament for the 2022 World Cup. VAR analysis has confirmed that most cases involved overacting from innocuous challenges, something which has angered soccer authorities on the Latin American continent.

FIFA spokesperson Audi Hammyton explained:

“We’ve had the Windmill on speed dial since they sorted out the West German side of 1982 after that tackle on the French boy. This is slightly different. We want the modern footallers down here given something to be genuinely rolling about the grass for. We’ll tell the refs that cards are only to be issued for breaks or heavy bleeding, and even at that used sparingly.”

WIndmill have already begun a short training programme in preparation for the first match against Uruguay on St Patrick’s Day. Spanish classes have been well attended, with the ‘slagging lessons’ at full capacity.

The Tyrone County Board has reassured Junior clubs in the county that Windmill have not applied to compete locally, yet.

Archive Photo Confirms Camel Racing Popular At Washingbay Sports In 1930s

Washingbay Sports, 1932

A 90-year-old photo which was found in the attic of a house near Brocagh last week has confirmed long-standing suspicions that camel-racing was a major pastime in east Tyrone in the early part of last century and was even competed for by Dubai and Saudi Arabian jockeys during the world-famous Washingbay Sports.

Experts have long suspected that potholes in the general area are a legacy issue from years of camels tramping the pathways and loanans to train before the sports day. Additionally, it may also explain the persistent rumours that every year half a dozen local women ran off to Saudi Arabia on the back of a camel to pursue studies in oil refineries and palace-building.

Local historian Imelda Cassidy (89) was delighted at the finding:

“This photo confirms what I saw with my own eyes as a child. There were loads of camels dandering about whilst the tug-of-war and egg and spoon race was on. At that age, we just thought they were native to east Tyrone. It wasn’t the only humping that went on that those sports but sure that’s for another day.”

Plans to reintroduce camels to the area have been strongly opposed by locals who fear an overwhelming rise in potholes would make all modes of transport redundant for at least 50 years.

Tyrone Men Urged To Keep Wearing Masks Til 2025

A survey by Tyrone Country Life magazine has found that over 80% of women in the region have recommended to their partners that they should continue to wear masks ‘for the foreseeable future’, with some hoping to see them used until 2025 at least.

Although society is bracing itself for a reduced need for mask-wearing as the year progresses, many men in the county will be asked by partners to continue to wear masks around the house, or when going out for a family meal.

One survey participant from Caledon pulled no punches as to why this may be the case:

“To be honest, it has made my life a lot more palatable not having to look at his twisted bake every living minute he’s about. Even at social functions, I can tolerate him being associated with me if he’s mostly covered up. Many previously unsuccessful men would get a curt at the dance hall if they kept the mask on. It’s in their interest.”

Surprisingly, many men in the same poll also suggested wearing it for a couple more years, mostly due to the fact that they can curse repeatedly under their breath without being caught, mostly at close family members.

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals.

Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the community. Unfortunately, Coyle sparked a major security incident after shouting ‘blow her up, ref‘ whilst watching the Tyrone-Armagh McKenna Cup game on Saturday. Mediation was quickly reached, with Coyle warned about future behaviour.

‘Bulldog’ is confident that this could be a long-term residency:

“I’d be lying if I said that me going to Downing Street went down well in my home town. Within two hours of announcing it to my mates down the Lineside, someone daubed ‘get out til f**k‘ on my gable wall. And that was my own uncle. But money is money and those hoors love the beer over there.”

Coyle also revealed that he may sell under-the-counter stuff too if the demand is there.

The DUP has already hinted at their intention to picket the shop if they don’t stock minerals and crisps for the teetotallers.

Johnson Attended Behind-Closed-Doors 2020 All Ireland Final. Thought It Was Business Meeting.

Johnson in the Hogan, 2020.

A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.

Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.

A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:

“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”

Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.

A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:

“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”

Johnson was unavailable for comment.

Twitter Outrage As Omagh Man Claims To Prefer Pears Over Apples

An Omagh welder has been forced to delete his Twitter account and go underground after claiming he liked pears more than apples during a drunken rant on the social media platform.

@teddytheterror (Ted Quinn) who has tweeted a total of 14 times since 2015 and is followed by 3 others, enraged millions with his controversial tweet at 11.26pm on Saturday 8th January.

Twitterati responded furiously to his tweet with many claiming he needed to ‘do some research‘ and others surmising that he must ‘hate‘ apples. He was also told to ‘educate himself‘, with several others maintaining that they were blocking him with immediate effect after reporting him to authorities for hate crimes.

Omagh District Council has moved quickly to distance themselves from Quinn’s statement and have urged people to not judge the whole town on one inebriated man’s moment of madness.

Quinn has since moved to another social media platform ‘GETTR’ where he claims he’ll speak his mind on many things such as vegetables and the English.

Tyrone/Armagh McKenna Cup Game To Be Played In Ulster-Scots

To celebrate the International Year of Languages, the Ulster Council has instructed both Armagh and Tyrone county boards that players on both sides must speak in Ulster-Scots throughout the game next week or they’ll be thrown out of next year’s competition and replaced with Rathlin and Coney Island.

Already, Armagh manager Kieran McGeeney has set up three workshops this weekend for his charges, in which phrases such as ‘thon’s a wile footerin yer doing wi thon ball ye hallion’ and ‘thon day wid founder ye’ will be taught to the Orchard men.

Although the Tyrone squad are currently holidaying in America, Fergal Logan made all his players converse in Ulster-Scots whilst riding on a helter-skelter during a funfair visit in Orlando. According to sources, Ronan McNamee was overheard saying to a barman afterwards, ‘I’ve a quare drooth on me, forbye foundered in these half-troosers‘.

McGeeney and Logan have asked the Ulster-Scots Association for translations of certain phrases particular to their county such as ‘red diesel’, ‘diffing’ ‘and ‘off-licence’. A rep from the society will attend training sessions next week to help.

Elderly Shoppers Told To Stop Tutting and Shaking Heads At Bottle Bank Users

Coalisland, earlier today

Shops across the county have urged shoppers, particularly the over 65s, to stop making the walk of shame to the bottle bank even worse by tutting at users and saying things like ‘will you look at that?

Footfall at glass recycling outlets at shopping centres has fallen in the last two days despite bins behind houses overflowing with bottles of beer, wine, and Shloer. Already there have been fisticuffs at three venues in east Tyrone between the recyclers and onlookers. One fight in Killyman was sparked when a female shopper shook her head at a woman with over 200 bottles in seven bin-liners, to which the recycler replied, ‘what ye looking at ye tramp?’

Both women, in their 60s, had to be separated by a trolley man.

Major retailers are now contemplating softening the walk of shame by using a brick tunnel with an igloo-style house at the end of it to store the recycling skips.

Meanwhile, an online row over whether it was called St Stephen’s Day or Boxing Day between two MLAs was resolved when one of their batteries ran out.

TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021

  1. McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.


2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.


3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.


4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.


5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.

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