A gang of about 12 Ardboe women, who peak through their venetian blinds at other members of their community going about their daily business and posting it online, have upped their reign of terror by setting up a blog whistle-blowing on people who are getting Jobseekers’ Allowance whilst working locally.
The notorious group also vowed to expose alledged under the counter deals, people driving whilst texting and general gulpin behaviour on their multiple social media sites by purchasing more venetian blinds for other minor rooms in their houses to look through.
Polly Coyle, the notorious Head of Operations for the Peakys, added:
“This is a new period of expansion for us. Ghost-oh, but the price of the venetian blinds is killing us though. And plasters too. A few of our women have sliced their fingers on these new razor-blade blinds. Our order of the Peaky Blinders will have to change to softer-edged ones.”
To date, the Peakys have waged war on communist Moortownians, Ballinderry unionists and pledged to sort out the Brocagh mafia before the year is out.
Meanwhile, a suspect crystal meth lab in Lissan which was raided on Monday has been deemed a false alarm. A local school teacher and his ex pupil were released after it emerged the lab was simply an elaborate poitin-making operation which is still legal in the village.
County On High Alert As Four Pomeroy Men Named In Starting 15, Fulfilling Revelations 13:11 Prophecy
Religious leaders have appealed for calm after it emerged that four Pomeroy players have been named in the Tyrone senior starting team to play Antrim in the McKenna Cup in Armagh tonight.
Although manager Mickey Harte has been known to make last minute changes, he is coming under acute pressure to bench at least one of them by doomsday merchants within the county.
Panic was widespread last night when Pastor Evan McGenical from Greencastle announced that in the Book of Relevations there is a reference to the ‘four horned men from the mountain that’s just a hill’ and how they would ‘come forth and massacre the men from the city’, a prelude to the Second Coming himself.
Pastor Genical added:
“I know Mickey isn’t one for the Revelations but he surely sees the warning signs. I know nothing about GAA and gaelic football but even I think it’s unusual to have even one Pomeroy man on the squad, never mind four of them starting. This could be the end for Tyrone in general.”
Sources have confirmed that Armagh ground staff are considering heightening the Red Hand fear by playing the music to The Omen when Tyrone make their way onto the field tonight.
Documents found in the attic of a house in Brackaville have suggested that Joe Brolly has been a Sir since 1993, according to a Brackaville club committee man who bought the new abode at an auction in Cookstown.
The piece of paper, written to Brolly by Anthony Tohill in early 1994, is now on show behind a glass case in the clubrooms despite Conor Grimes asking for it to be put into a filing cabinet.
Basil Gillis remarked:
“It’s quite obvious that Tohill was in on this. He started the letter ‘Dear Joe Brolly sir, ……’ and uses ‘sir’ loads of times in many sentences. It’s clear that Tohill didn’t know where to put the ‘sir’ with him being from Swatragh and all but it’s there in black and white.”
Although Gillis is unwilling to publish his findings yet, he is convinced that most of the Derry 1993 All-Ireland winning team were knighted after he stumbled upon a 20-year reunion video and most of them were calling each other ‘sir’ all night although it sounded more like ‘sur’.
“I’m just not surprised at all. I’ve seen a few of them Derry lads walking straight into restaurants or chippies and getting served straight away which we all know is a perk of being knighted by the Queen of England.”
Tyrone Tribulations can confirm that they overheard a sideline meeting between Damien Cassidy and Damien Barton at a Tyrone club match last year and they both addressed each other with the moniker ‘sir’, albeit at the end of the sentences.
Pub and shop owners in the county have urged people to stop giving off about Alexa after it emerged that over 1000 households in the county returned their Amazon Echo devices due to its inability to understand locals and vice versa.
In one extreme example, a man in his 40s from Eskra was witnessed kicking the device around his garden at 3pm on Christmas Day after it failed to understand “Alex, play the one ‘Mon Boy Light Thon Fire’ by that band The Durs” after 200 requests to do so.
Electronics expert Roger McGinnity from Omagh offered advice for locals who have yet to return their device:
“Alexa isn’t programmed to understand the subtleties of the Tyrone dialect. Asking it ‘is it coul the day?’ will confused the system and result in annoyance on both sides. My advice is to think of what you want to ask and have a dictionary nearby and mouth out the words that way. It’s still a useful device.”
The Amazon data team revealed that the most asked questions to Alexa in the county on Christmas Day were: ‘Alexa, will Trone win the All-Ireland the year?’ and ‘Alexa, are the cops nearby atall?’
Meanwhile a 43-year old man from Ardboe has proposed to the machine, surrounded by family and friends. Although Alexa was non-committal, a service will go ahead on New Year’s Eve, the first of its kind in the county.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
News of an annual report from Strava, a website and mobile app that allows you to track cycling and running speeds and which revealed that Omagh has the fastest runners in the whole of Scotland, Wales, England and the North of Ireland, has alarmed Canadian based gold mining company Dalradian Resources – the firm seeking to extract Gold deposits from the Sperrin Mountains.
According to Dalradian, the Sperrins holds more than four million ounces of gold, with an unnamed representative adding:
“Most of the pure stuff lies in Tyrone, with the lower grade shite in the Derry parts – but to be honest we are mostly concerned that each of those potential employees who sent us their CVs are world-class sprinters. It hardly fills a gold mining company with confidence, given the security issues we face on a daily basis world-wide with workers trying to sneak out the stuff in increasingly cunning ways.”
Pete “Legs” MacDougal, a former mining engineer in the silver mines in Stirling, Scotland, confirmed it’s a trend he’s seen before:
“In ‘98/‘99, Stirling had the fastest runners in the whole of the UK. It was no coincidence either that they were queueing up for the mining work, with one a week on average legging it past security while flashing a smile of a solid gold front row teeth. From the stories I’ve heard of Tyrone people, I wouldn’t put it past them Omagh folks to have been doing sprint drills for years just waiting on the mining project to get the green light”
Both Darren Clarke and Rory McIlroy have been spotted in Sallys recently, watching YouTube videos on how to fill golf balls with gold. It is understood a syndicate of as yet unnamed individuals are planning on constructing a giant washing machine with a magnet in the back, so that McIlroy can train them how to drive gold filled golf balls 350 yards out over any potential security fences.
In unrelated news Spandau Ballet are due to play Sallys night club this St Stephen’s night- with Gold VIP tickets priced at £3.50 each. All proceeds go to a good Claus.
A top Omagh literary historian, Dr John McGarvey, has concluded that Charles Dickens got his inspiration for A Christmas Carol after being forced to holiday in Ballyjamesduff with his parents in 1839 for a whole week.
Poring over Dickens’ diaries from that time, Dr McGarvey is adamant that the character of Scrooge could be based on over 40 different men he encountered during his stay in the 1966/67 Irish Tidy Towns Winner location.
“A few times Dickens, who was only a teenager at the time, wrote about local men as ‘the most wretched and miserable humans to walk this entire land’ and wrote of a man who liked to sit around the fire on a cold winter’s night and if it was really bad, he’d even light it.”
Nailing down who the character of Scrooge was seemed to be an impossible task though McGarvey is looking into the possibility of it being a certain ‘Hugh Reilly’ of whom it was said he was so tight that he would only breathe in and would check under his bed in the morning to see if he’d lost any sleep.
Adding strength to McGarvey’s claim, the word ‘humbug’ is a close relation to the local Cavan gaelic word ‘hámbeag’ which means ‘tight’.
“I’m leaning towards the idea that Scrooge was based on Hugh Reilly. It was said that Reilly once found a discarded pair of manmade crutches, went home and broke his son’s leg so he could use them.”
Experts are currently tabling possible reasons as to why painters from Tyrone are the worst at cutting-in in the northern hemisphere, according to a survey conducted by the World Painters’ and Decorators’ Association.
To make matters worse, it appears that their near neighbours and fierce rivals, Derry painters, are the world’s best cutting-in merchants according to their findings.
Professor Donald Plum from Massachusetts claims to have found a list of three possible reasons after a detailed study within the county last week.
“On my travels around the county, I established that over 70% of painters were shaking. I’m not quite sure what the official diagnosis is but to my knowledge it usually indicates one of three things: they’re either hungover, worried about something or just plain gulpins. The last prognosis there doesn’t make sense as the Derry ones are worse gulpins.”
Off-licence sales in Derry match or better Tyrone’s, leaving the possible solution that Tyrone painters are worried about something as the most likely scenario.
“What they’re actually worried about we need to find out. But they’re making a pure hames of walls and ceilings all over the county. This morning, a painter from Brocagh just had to paint a child’s bedroom wall but left the ceiling looking like the Sistine Chapel, it was that bad. And he was shaking like mad.”
Possible reasons for the shaking include Jobseekers’ Allowance officials lurking about, the after-effects of the heavy Dublin defeat in August and leaving their wives at home.
Meanwhile Derry milkmen also came out top of the class for job satisfaction, especially those working in Tyrone. There may be a link between both findings today.
Despite being labelled a complete lunatic by some, 13-year-old Paul Quinn from Ardboe has been almost universally praised after facing down temperatures of less than five degrees celsius and walking 600 yards to school wearing a duffel coat and a scarf over his face.
Quinn, who had already missed three days of vital education when the school closed it doors because of wind, snow and then ice over the last month, was determined not to let another day go to waste despite the mildly cold temperature today.
His mother and teacher in the school, Mrs Mary Quinn, could only admire her son’s fortitude:
“He’s strong-willed. I didn’t go in myself. It’s hard enough teaching at the best of times, ideally 15 degrees, without fighting 4 degrees in the walk from the car park to the school. Paul’s a modern-day hero so he is.”
Unfortunately, Paul had to turn around and walk back after only one teacher turned up and one of the catering staff. Quinn also was given a 3-day detention for muttering ‘for f**k sake’ after being told the school had to close its doors again.
Meanwhile, schools in Tyrone are set to make decisions in the morning over their ability to open their premises after Frank Mitchell on UTV hinted that winds may reach 30mph in some exposed areas.
In a move which no one saw coming, US president Donald Trump tonight announced that the long-lasting issue of Ballinderry’s geographical location is settled on their side of the Atlantic at least.
The small-handed leader assured his people that Ballinderry was, in fact, in Tyrone and that any titles Ballinderry won in the past are now on the Tyrone club roll of honour.
Within minutes, Ballinderryites were on the bridge attempting to burn it to stop any Tyronians getting across and laying claim to land, businesses and women. Local historian and Derry fanatic Henry McGuckian fumed:
“That orange-faced bollocks. We’re no more Tyrone than we are Icelandic. He doesn’t know what he has done here. Themuns from Moortown and Ardboe may sleep with one eye open this weekend. We’ll not go down easy, not like a Tyrone club team in Ulster.”
Trump’s unexpected declaration is now seen as an opening shot in a US war on south Derry after they refused to allow Toome to be used as a stop-over military airforce refill centre.
Meanwhile, an elderly care home in Cookstown had all its computers removed after an 88-year old pensioner was caught Googlng ‘dirty oul wemen’.
People travelling through Aughnacloy from Derry to Dublin to get the plane to America were today said to be extremely ecstatic at the news that work will start early next year on the first stage of a new A5 dual carriageway .
The big road, which should begin construction over 10 years after it was first agreed to proceed with the plan, will be made of tarmac and should shave an hour off the journey to the capital.
It has already emerged that the first tea break will last over 3 hours as the expected forecast for Derry in February 2018 is heavy rain with a touch of sleet.
Local Ballygawley road-building expert Sammy McGinn admitted he was annoyed at the prospect of not working on the carriageway:
“They reckon it’ll cost over a billion pounds to build the thing. I could have done it for a 5-figure sum over the space of 2 weekends. Sure they’ve already spent £70m on it and not a finger lifted. That’s some tea-break.”
Despite McGinn’s reservations, a spate of flights have already been booked to America by residents of Omagh and Strabane even though it’ll probably not be finished till 2020.
A travel agent in Strabane has taken out an inaccurate ad, boasting ‘get til America in an hour less than ones from Belfast going to Dublin’. A 15-people queue had formed outside the shop by 10am this morning.
The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably.
The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:
“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow. Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”
In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.
A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.
Despite the general euphoria at the announcement of the English Prince Harry’s wedding plans, Charlie’s son has come under stern criticism at home after it emerged he’s to wed one of the Mackles from the Moy, cashing in on their success as Ulster Intermediate Champions.
Harry, who has never even been to Benburb Sunday, has already reportedly enquired about tickets to the All-Ireland club semi-final and has bought a Moy jersey with the misspelt Kavanagh on the back of it.
Moy historian and anarchist Kieran Mellon admitted he has mixed emotions about the news:
“Obviously it’s great for the Mackles financially and for the Moy itself. But be under no illusion that this is a marriage on shaky foundations. Harry is glory-hunting on the back of that win in Armagh yesterday. Of that there is no doubt. And although young Marietta Mackle is one of the better looking women in the Moy, I find it hard to believe he’s genuine about this. Sure she’s only the one eyebrow. “
Harry was spotted in Tomney’s last night after 11 o’clock drinking the local cocktail ‘Young Buck’ which is a mixture of Buckfast and a spoonful of water but left as soon as Come Out You Black and Tans was sung by one of the Jordans.
Although Prince Charles was a big fan of Eileen Donaghy’s music back in the 80s, it is said that Camilla refuses to visit the hamlet due to a long running feud with the Charlemonts.
Rose-scented toilets, no yellow M&Ms and ham from Greencastle-born pigs are just three of the unreasonable demands made by various members of the Omagh senior team which left the Teamtalkmag crew scuttling around all day to make sure events ran smoothly tonight in Bundoran.
An insider at the venue leaked the unusual requests made by the county champions, with Joe McMahon surprising organisers with his acute taste.
The list included:
Joe McMahon – a gin slushy machine; food served by buxom women over the age of 50; dressing room at 34 degrees celcius; chicken legs heavily seasoned; an assortment of chewing gum and a box of toothpicks. 20 white kittens and 100 white doves as well as vitamin water to bathe his dogs in.
Ronan O’Neill – 1 large plush and animal print (cheetah, leopard) throw rug for his dressing room, must be clean as he will walk on it barefoot; 4 small, clear, square vases with white tulips, no foliage (2nd choice: White Casablanca Lilies no foliage, 3rd choice: White Freesia, no foliage); 1 professional quality steamer; 1 Vicks steam inhaler and food items should be fresh and covered by clear plastic wrap at the dining table
Paddy Crozier – A jar of quality honey; plastic drinking straws; 1 pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream; 16 cans Sugar-Free Red Bull; large fresh jumbo shrimps with cocktail sauce and plenty of lemons and 1 jar of banana pepper rings
Justin McMahon just asked for one electric three wheel mobility scooter.
Kyle Coney is favourite to pick up county player of the year, with the Teamtalkmag team odds on for the GAA news outlet gong for the 19th consecutive year.
Soon after a report by a chief medical officer who warned of a “post-antibiotic apocalypse” due to a natural resistance to the medication, it has emerged that doctors have attempted to address the problem themselves by giving blunt and accurate advice to complaining patients.
Hundreds of barely-ill members in various surgeries across the county have been seen leaving medical establishments in tears after being told to ‘f**k away off’ by doctors determined to raise the effect of antibiotics in years to come.
Two sisters from Fintona, Mary (68) and Ellen (66) Quinn, explained how they were recently dismissed from their local surgery with a barrage of abuse ringing in their ears:
“We were both suffering from mild throat irritations and were hoping for a short blast of an antibiotic to clear it. Dr Johnson took us in and after a few polite comments he looked down both our throats. He walked back to his seat, scratched his chin, and said ‘yiz can f**k away off now and drink some water’. We left in floods of tears. There’s surely a better way of dealing with this crisis.”
Similar stories were being regaled across the county, with an elderly man in Strabane told by his doctor never to darken the door of his surgery again after asking for an antibiotic for an ear infection. The offended man torched his doctor’s car later that evening.
A surgery in Dungannon was picketed today after one of its doctors gave a patient, who was complaining of a nasal blockage, a banana and a glass of Lucozade. The one-man picket drew a blast of a car horn of support from three seperate cars.
“These courses offer the chance to study the ancient art of Corner Boying and to evaluate its place within our culture. Graduates either become Corner Boys themselves or work in the conservation, promotion, maintenance and rehabilitation of Corner Boys who are already in the field at this time”.
“That is exactly the type of closed-mindedness this course seeks to remedy. Corner Boys don’t stand in fields. They stand on corners in towns and villages and on road-sides and sometimes beside gates. Corner Boys are an ancient band of brothers and sisters who watch over our communities selflessly and ceaselessly…they’re the very fabric of our society yet no one is doing anything to address their startling decline or to defend them against the ridicule and contempt they face every single day”.
“Why wouldn’t they? Some people just aren’t cut out for sitting in an office watching the internet all day pretending to do work…work that no one understands and that doesn’t need to get done. Some people feel the call of the wild, the call of the corner”.
An Omagh lawyer has admitted he allowed his passion and temper to get the better of him after obliterating the Danish Pastry display in the Spar in the town this morning at 7am.
Paul McMahon (56), an avid Republic of Ireland supporter, has been charged with the destruction of 56 cinnamon rolls, 30 raisin swirls and 3 small pecan slices. The Fintona Road man revealed:
“I was still sore enough when I woke up over the humiliation by Denmark the night before. The last thing I needed was a Spar woman trying to promote Danish Pastry in my face at seven in the morning. I completely lost it and fly-kicked the tray out of her hand and set about wrecking the whole section. I don’t regret it. Feck them.”
Local shopper Damien Hurson, who happened to be perusing the cabbages at the same time, countered this version of events and went as far as denying it ever happened:
“Yous Tyrone Tribulations ones do this every year when Ireland get bate. Yous made up a story about a man ruining the kiwis in a fruit shop when New Zeland beat them in the rugby and a man wrecking the french bread stall when Henry handled the ball. Get new material, OK?”
Local historians have warned people to refrain from targeting Danish Pastry displays as it was the Austrians who invented them.
Police have described the capture of an elderly confectionary thief as ‘an expertly executed operation’ after a Coalisland woman was apprehended before she’d even left the carpark in her motorised cart.
The cart, which can reach a top speed of 2.2 mph, was impounded and eventually crushed to served as an example to any other prospective elderly chocolate bar thieves.
Shop owner, Maurice Quinn, admitted it was a hairy 8 minutes between the stealing of the bar and the apprehension of the local shopper:
“I’d seen her staring at the Mars Bars for about 20 minutes and had a fair idea she was thinking of doing something untoward. Luckily, three policemen were at the deli bar and when I saw her taking one and putting it in her bag, I told the cops all about her.”
Eyewitnesses decribed how a dramatic chase ensued as one of the policemen calmly walked behind the cart, quietly telling the thief to stop, before walking a bit faster and overtaking her and turning the cart off.
The thief’s 8-minute joyride was captured on CCTV and will be shown at detention centres across the county to local primary school children to act as a deterrent to stealing things.
Locals in the sleepy hamlet/village of Moy were said to be ‘walking on eggshells’ today after a Cavanagh Sunday dinner turned soured when Sean reacted badly to his brother Colm getting an extra spud for the first time since 2002.
Colm, who won Tyrone’s only All-Star at the weekend after another clinking year in the county jersey, was also seated at the head of the table, with Sean placed four seats down on one of the rickety chairs beside the radiator.
A neighbour said he knew things might cut up rough after Sean parked in Colm’s normal spot when arriving a full hour before the dinner commenced:
“You could feel the tension all day around that house. I knew it had exploded when I saw Sean on the lawn shouting something like ‘think you’re all it, don’t you?’ through the window of the main living room. I think Sean had been sent out to calm down by the wife.”
Another onlooker claimed that Sean was seen rummaging through his car boot to fetch his Player of the Year award from 2008.
“But Colm just stood at the house door smirking and playing an imaginary fiddle.”
The village has declared an ‘amber warning’ for tomorrow as the brothers tog out for training in preparation for their upcoming Intermediate semi-final.
St. Patricks Ballyragget To Play 23 Challenge Games In Tyrone In February/March As Hurling Continues To Boom In County
Kilkenny’s St. Patricks Ballyragget have confirmed that they have been offered over 20 invitations to play challenge games in Tyrone early next year, with all 23 newly-formed hurling clubs offering full hospitality and overnight accommodation for the team and any supporters they wish to bring.
Despite not being a hurling stronghold, Tyrone has seen a boom in the sport in the past week, ever since St. Patricks Ballyragget hit the headlines for winning the Intermediate title in great style last week.
One such club, the new Windmill Whackers, explained their decision:
“I can’t believe we didn’t realise how great this game is. And who better to learn from but St Patrick’s Ballyragget. We have decided there will be a cup awarded to the winner of the challenge game. I repeat, THERE WILL BE A CUP AWARDED. We encourage the Kilkenny lads to bring family and friends, especially friends. There’ll be a Happy Hour in the clubrooms from 5pm-11pm.”
New West Tyrone hurling club, the Aghyaran Pullers, have already erected an extra stand at their modest ground in anticipation of Ballyragget’s visit on Feb 1st, as well as an extension to their bar, renamed Fifi’s.
It is expected that many clergy will not be re-elected at club AGMs this winter for fear of over-ruling any future challenge game choice of opponents.
PSNI officials have managed to calm tensions in Dungannon today after a row between newlyweds spilled over onto the main road.
Early reports suggest that Mr Thompson, a 29-year-old fitter from the town, greeted his wife in the kitchen this morning with the comment “I see you’ve got your false face on already” despite her not having it on yet. Friends say Mrs Thompson responded with a clean box to the jaw of her recently married husband, sparking a rowing session which went on for nearly an hour.
Police Constable Jack Young added:
“We’re not meant to give opinions on these things but she did over react a bit. That joke has been doing the rounds for decades and it’s not even a particularly good one. Mrs Thompson is a fine-looking young woman so there was no need for her to stretch him out with the one punch.”
Ironically, Mr Thomspon was due to attend a fancy-dress party tonight in the town dressed as Rocky Balboa. The bruising around his eyes and nose today now means he will save a packet on make-up.
Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent councillor Tony Quinn has urged people to be careful with old sayings and clichés.
“People need to be careful with these things. A boy said to be ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer’. That’s pure bollocks and dangerous. I befriended a man who tried to shoot me for being on his land last week. I invited him in for tea the next day and he kicked my balls in.”
Meanwhile, tomorrow will have average temperatures.