Jim Allister To Throw In Ball At Croke Park Ulster Final To Commemorate Centenary of Border, In Exchange For Early Border Poll

In a bid to speed up the possibility of a border poll and a united Ireland eventually, the GAA are reportedly about to grant Jim Allister’s wish to throw in the ball for the Tyrone/Monaghan Ulster Final in order to commemorate 100 years of the border. Six marching bands from different Orange Lodges will parade around Croke Park before the game. The GAA have stopped short of allowing Allister’s ring being kissed by both captains, as was Jim’s wish.

The TUV leader has been practising throwing the ball up in the air since late June when he was secretly told that the deal would go ahead no matter who was in the final. Allister was also warned to ‘run like hell’ after he throws the ball up in case he’s milled in a stampede. An official explained:

“Tyrone have two big strapping lads in midfield and we all know the brutal ignorance of them Monaghan lads. It would be in Jim’s interest to start running towards the sideline as soon as the ball leaves his hands, and to throw it very high in the air in order to buy him time.”

The 18’000 crowd will be treated to four flute bands and two accordion bands, playing some classic tunes such as ‘The Papish Goat’ and ‘Orange Apron Trimmed With Blue’

During the national anthem, Allister has admitted he will put earphones on and listen to a podcast.

Songs Of Praise Overrun May See Tyrone/Donegal Game Deferred Again On Sunday

Following the deferment of the deferred Tyrone/Cavan game last Sunday due to an enthralling men’s doubles game at Wimbledon, there are fears within the county that this weekend’s game may be deferred if Songs of Praise overruns due to people singing slowly or maybe banging out more songs than they normally would.

Last week, many in both Tyrone and Cavan only found out who won at midnight when the programme ended, with some viewers falling asleep and only finding out on the radio the next morning.

One viewer warned:

“I’ll be watching Songs of Praise closely. If I see them singing The Lord Is My Shepherd at half the pace I’ll be emailing Points of View in live time. They’re only singing slowly because they hate the GAA. Or Tyrone. How Great Thou Art is seven verses long. No way should that be sung.”

Meanwhile, several viewers have since taken up doubles tennis after last week’s delayed scheduling. Two couples were caught playing tennis at Augher GAA pitch during the week, but were soon chased to Filemiletown.

Church Attendance Set To Rocket On Sunday Before Euro Final

Moy man, this morning

Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.

Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.

Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:

“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”

Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.

Ronaldo ‘Not Ruling Out’ Move To Dungannon Swifts At End Of Career

In a shock Instagram post, Portuguese soccer man Cristiano Ronaldo has left his strongest hint yet that he may see out his glittering career playing in the Irish League for the struggling Dungannon Swifts.

The local Portuguese community in the town have been wildly celebrating the possibility of their national icon donning the blue jersey of the Swifts and have already purchased over 300 season tickets for the 350-seated stadium for the next two years.

Ronaldo, who turns 37 next February, was photographed reading an Images of Ireland book focused on Dungannon itself in a bid to possibly familiarise himself with important places such as the library, Hagan’s Bar and the Hill of the O’Neill and Ranfurly House Arts and Visitors’ Centre. It is also thought that he may join the leisure centre if prices remain competitive.

Long time Swift’s fan Roger McAree added a word of caution:

“He’ll have to earn his place on the Swift’s side. And he won’t be on the free kicks. We’ve a young lad from Portadown joining next year and he’s meant to be pure class at the dead balls. So, it’s great news and all but he won’t be given star treatment.”

When asked about the news, a friend of Ronaldo’s agent’s brother said ‘I’m not ruling anything out’.

Meanwhile, Dungannon GAA club’s footballers have also announced a new signing of sorts to rival the possible news of Ronaldo going to the Swifts. They’ve purchased a new coffee machine but will only share it with the hurlers on Thursdays.

Trillick Man Wrecks Shop After Being Asked Too Many Questions At Check-Out

A Trillick octogenarian was arrested this afternoon after wrecking the tills at a shop in the village following a series of questions by the cashier.

Mattie Donaghy (82) blew his top after the 5th question, overturning the chewing gums and stomping on Tracker bars. Police were called when he set upon the sherbet dips.

An onlooker explained what made Donaghy reach tipping point:

“I could see he was already flustered by the time he arrived at the till. Yer woman asked him

‘Do you require a bag today sir?’

Donaghy was already balancing his goods as well as a very obvious pink Tesco bag and told her in no uncertain terms that he didn’t need a bag. She then asked,

‘Do you have any fuel, sir?’

He started to steam at this stage and told yer woman that he hasn’t driven since 1998. She added:

‘Do you want sauce for your sausage roll?’

Donaghy started swearing at this point and told her to just ‘fill the fcukin bag for fcuk sake’.

When she asked him if he wanted a receipt he then flipped and wrecked the chewing gums. All hell broke loose after that.”

The shop have yet to comment but Wrigleys have stated that they’re disappointed their chewing gums were upturned.

Jesus ‘Probably Would Have Hated Derry’ Declares Controversial Kildress Priest

A north Tyrone priest, who was threatened with a defrocking in 1993 after denouncing Derry’s All Ireland title as ‘the work of the devil’, has incurred the wrath of the Vatican again after declaring that Jesus Christ probably would have hated Derry as he was allergic to oak and allegedly had a run-in with a member of the Doherty clan who refused to pay for work done, during his time as a carpenter near Galilee.

Fr Teague, a 69-year-old ex-doorman, joined the priesthood in his 30s after becoming disillusioned with the slagging he was getting at the door of the Pink Pussycat nite club in Cookstown, especially from lads from Magherafelt.

During his homily last weekend which was streamed online, he stated:

“I’m nearly sure Jesus the Lord himself would have detested Derry and Derry GAA especially. He had a horrible experience from Derry ones when he was earning a living. He put down floorboards in a house in Galilee. A Derry family had moved there because it sounded like Galliagh in Derry city. They never paid him. Pure Derry behaviour that.”

The Vatican has given Fr Teague a final warning and have told him to stop using Christianity to get at Derry.

In other news, Bonnie Tyler has bought a house in Brocagh as a second home. She has asked for privacy and will shoot anyone selling tickets.

INTERVIEW WITH….Mike Tyson

Mike, what are your fondest memories of your time in Tyrone?

Where’s that?

Tyrone, it’s in Ireland 

I was never in Ireland

Yes, you were.  In 1987.  You opened a youth boxing Gym in Omagh. You gave medals out to a ladies football team in Cookstown. You wrapped a Ferrari around a lamp post in Castlederg.  Your tiger had to be shot with a dart in Edendork Primary School playground. It was on CNN and everything…

Oh yeah.  I remember…  those were crazy days man.  I partied for weeks straight back then.  My memory is a little hazy.  I once called the Pope ‘Bono’ live on TV.  That got me into hot water.  Ireland… Tyrone, yeah, I remember.  It was COLD man.… What was that guy’s name, the guy with the real thick glasses… ?

Dennis Taylor?

Arty someone

Art McCrory?

That’s it. Big Art. He got me doing laps with the senior guys’ ball team, and had me show them how to throw a left hook and catch the chin on the way back with your elbow.  That guy was ace.  He got me eating seals meat and everything.  Very chewy but pure protein.  Was great.  Was the only solid to pass my lips for a fortnight.

You mean eels?

Eels!  That was it.  Man good times.  I also battered a man in a bar ‘cause he called me Michael Jordan.  I mean Jordan was only in high school in ’87.  He wasn’t even famous.  That hurt me.

The Battery Bar?

What?

Never mind… what did you think of the Tyrone women?

Ah maaaan.  Rough! Hard as boots man.  I mean pretty, but they took no shit. This one time, a chick said she would bet me quarter of a million dollars she could do more press ups than me.  She couldn’t have been much older than seven or eight.  I mean I was world champ, the baddest man on the planet, and here was this little thing challenging me… by the time I stopped laughing, I got straight down and did like 150 in one go.  All the old guys in the bar just nodded and sat back in their stools.  One turned his cap backwards.  I left the bar when her count was at 650 and left a cheque for her.  They hammered my car on the way out.  I was later told she was broke and got to 1000 before they stopped her.

Anything else for us, this is good stuff Mike…

Man.  I can’t remember much of them days now man.  My brain was frazzled a lot of the time.  I do recall my last day in Ireland waking up under a big stone cross beside a huge big puddle…

Lough Neagh, Ardboe?

What?

Never mind, please go ahead…

Yeah, well this big black cloud of flies came at me, and I thought it was like the spirit of death or something.  I bailed into a truck and paid a local $500 to take me straight to Dublin airport.  I dint even go to collect my clothes or anything.  That was a hairy hangover.  I don’t know how you guys stick it there.  And the cold.  Man it was freezing the whole time.

It was August Mike, there was a heat wave that year.

Well, I won’t be back in a hurry.  No wonder you guys are all a little cracked.  It’s like the rocks and hills pull your heads inwards or something…  Before I go, what ever happened that little press up chick?

She’s putting it up to the DUP

What?

Never mind…

[Join us next week when we unveil our exclusive Matthew McConaghey interview, where he tells us all about the jeans that made him famous]

INTERVIEW WITH….Jennifer Aniston

TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA

Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.

HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?

I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?

Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.

ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?

Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?

To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).

Aniston in The Plum
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Dungannon Plasterer Fed Up Working From Home. All Walls 1m Thicker Now.

A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.

Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.

Maguire admitted:

“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”

Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.

Continuity DUP Announce Formation At Coalisland Press Conference

Jeffrey Donaldson and Nigel Dodds amazed political analysts after announcing the existence of the new Continuity DUP at a rushed press conference in Coalisland tonight. A third member of the new party was also on the stage but the balaclava-faced female refused to give her name but spoke in a strong Fermanagh brogue.

Donaldson, who appeared on stage smoking a pipe and wearing an Aran jumper, claimed they chose Coalisland as the perfect place for their announcement because it was halfway between Enniskillen and Belfast and also due to the relaxed parking restrictions.

“We will be a thorn in Poots’ side. We have proof of life in Coleraine dating back 70’000 years and we also acknowledge the existence of the LGBTQ community as long as they attend at least one 12th July parade over a three year period. We’re the true Democratic Unionists and we’ll prove it by not watching RTE and wrecking fields full of reeds so they can’t make them crosses in February.”

The conference ended in a prayer and three poems in Ulster Scots, one of which was called ‘Stap yer shite talkin Poots’.

Concern As Teachers Predicting Bad Grades For Pupils Who Don’t Play For Local Club/County

Education authorities are appealing to teachers not to penalise students who don’t play football for their local GAA club or, even worse, giving poor grades to those who play for rival clubs.

Concerns over bias emerged after a rake of Tyrone students studying in Armagh feared hardcore Armagh GAA teachers were downgrading their grades because they wore Tyrone tops at the leavers’ celebrations. Some teachers were heard goading lads from the Moy by making jokes about ‘bees’ and ‘seas’ in the aftermath of the buffet and speeches.

Additionally, over 35 Kildress students in a school in Carrickmore claimed teachers were doing the throat-slitting gesture after it was announced that teachers will award grades to pupils as opposed to the traditional exam system.

An anonymous teacher confirmed:

“It really is tempting. I know two lads from Greencastle who tortured me over them beating us in the Intermediate this year. Well, when the results come out we’ll see who’s laughing.”

Meanwhile there are concerns that the new green level travel to Israel will mean Moygashel will be empty next week going by the volume of their flags in the village.

Poots Appointment Spells Danger For Finn McCool, Lough Neagh and Isle of Man

Tourism around Lough Neagh and in the Isle of Man is braced for a downturn in fortunes after today’s announcement that Edwin Poots has been elected as leader of the DUP.

Poots, who believes that the planet hasn’t been on the go that much earlier than the 1982 World Cup, is predicted to completely rubbish the idea that McCool, in a fit of temper, lifted a chunk out of Ireland to fire at another tall lad, hence creating the Isle of Man as well as Lough Neagh.

When questioned about the incident in 25000BC, Poots refused to be moved on the issue apart from saying something about bollocks.

Meanwhile, Tyrone commence their new season under Dooher and Logan tomorrow against Donegal.

Arlene In Leadership Bother After Scoring A Fine Point During Kickabout With Michelle

Leaked BBC footage of the Foster/O’Neill kickabout at a girls’ soccer training session in Cookstown last week has earned her a spot of bother after it showed her soloing the ball before knocking it over the bar and announcing ‘take your points and the goals will come, eh O’Neill?’.

DUP members are said to be livid after an insider leaked the full footage which wasn’t shown on their news bulletins. The video also picked up Foster commenting that ‘Ricey could be doing with me the year’, an obvious reference to her beloved Fermanagh GAA manager Ryan Ricey McMenamin.

An anonymous moustached DUP member from Belfast fumed:

“Listen I’ve done some silly things in my time but even taking off all your clothes and cavorting in a field isn’t on the same scandalous level of thinking you’re the next Peter Canavan and you the DUP leader. Although she took her point well, it’s the next step to a United Ireland. You wouldn’t have caught the Reverend with a size 5 in his hands. She has to go.”

The footage went on to show Foster asking O’Neill to perform the same point-scoring task. O’Neill soloed and hopped the ball once before Foster blindsided her and shouldered her into a nearby ditch, telling her to ‘get up to f**k’.

Punters Urged By Assembly Not To Say ‘Aaaah’ After First Pint Post-Lockdown

After a heated debate today during the Covid Assembly Hour at Stormont, most parties agreed that exclamations after the first sip of beer when bars open should be acknowledged with a nod or smirk as opposed to the traditional groan of satisfaction for fear of jeopardising the current downward cases of Covid-19.

Traditionally, especially after a long time without a pint from a bar, imbibers would react to the first sip with an exaggerated ‘aaahhh’ of ‘Jaysus that’s great’. Although the DUP, SF and Alliance agreed that the latter is acceptable and does not contribute to potential spread of the virus, the UUP and SDLP maintained that saying ‘Jaysus that’s great’ was unnecessary and should be replaced with a wink or a wipe of the lips with the sleeve and a smile.

Bars have been asked to install more CCTV cameras with extra strong sound detection equipment in case someone says ‘aaaah’ quietly or from behind a sleeve or napkin.

In other news, Rioting Studies is to be offered in the University of Ulster next year. Students interested in the course are to detail rioting experience on their UCAS forms.

Tyrone Footballers Posing As Click And Collect Garden Centre Workers To Overcome Training Ban – AT THE SAME CENTRE

Tyrone players, hiding

The Tyrone senior county team have apparently avoided censorship by GAA officials for collective training by posing as workers at the Garvaghey Garden Centre Click and Collect section since last week, until now.

All 28 squad members as well as the entire management team have been employed by the new outlet and have been sharpening teamwork skill and speed of delivery under the watchful eyes of managers Dooher and Logan who have ‘supervisor’ badges on them.

The ruse was discovered when Mark Bradley dropped a pallet of Rhododendrons and was berated by one of the supervisors and told to do 100 press-ups. He was also told he’d have no chance of ‘Clones the year’ if he dropped another one.

Customer Stevie Digney from Scotstown fumed:

“I knew they were working it somehow. This county invented the dark arts. How they’ve been getting away with it was a mystery, but not now. When I saw Cathal McShane dodging and diving around the Cherry Blossoms the penny dropped. The red hair and Australian accent was a giveaway I hope the Irish News follow this up.”

Dooher and Logan were unavailable for comment as they are halfway through a 12-hr shift.

Dessie Farrell and Banty McEnaney are monitoring the situation closely from their isolation chambers.

Mickey Harte’s New Photography Hobby Not Linked To Secret Dublin Training Pics Say Louth GAA

Louth GAA were quick to throw cold water on the rumours that Leinster rivals Dublin were caught training by the fresh photography skills of new manager Mickey Harte.

Harte, who took up the reins of managing the Wee County at the end of last year, managed to fill free time in recent months by taking up photography and was spotted around pitches frequented by Dublin squads in the past, albeit trying to snap pictures of curlews and other birds that reminded him of home.

However, rumours that he took photos of Fenton and Cooper training are way off the mark according to Louth committee member Gerard Sludden:

“I know for a fact that Mickey did not take them photos. He uses one of them instant camera things and wouldn’t have the zoom capacity clearly used in the leaked photos. Listen, if we beat Dublin this year because their players have been jailed over this it’s their fault. And Louth are rising anyway.”

Harte will begin his tenure in charge of Louth in Division 4 which also sees one of his 00s players Enda McGinley in opposition in charge of Antrim. Rumours that Harte was seen near Casement Park taking photos of murals has been brought to McGinley’s attention.

Edendork GAC Rumoured to be ‘At It Again’

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

There has been widespread rumours in the county that Edendork GAC are “at it again” following revelations that the club chairman’s new caravan is subject of the clubs next “Grand Prize Draw”.   An Edendork insider who wished to be named only as “trout” revealed to this reporter that the chairman, Mr Sean O’Donnell, purchased the spank new mobile home on the Stewartstown Road just outside Coalisland exactly one month ago. Tyrone Tribulations has confirmed this fact with the Mid Ulster Land and Properties Agency. 

However, as of yesterday, Edendork GAC has managed to sell upwards of 2000 tickets for the caravan in a raffle at £25 a pop.  This latest raffle comes after a house which the club raffled in 2010 was magically won by 5 players; and a car the club sold tickets for a full two years also won by a committee member – both following ticket sales the length and breadth of Ireland; and the fact that snowball at the local hall, despite running for 326 years, was NEVER won and remains officially “thawed”.  It has led for calls that the club be investigated by the Fraud in the Communities of Ulster Kapturers (the FCUKers).

Edendork club agreed to let this reporter speak to club Spokesman Joe Knowles, who after telling us he would not be taking any questions, said:

“Thanks for coming here today.  We can confirm that we are raffling off tickets for a brand-new state of the art mobile home which was very kindly donated to the club.  If you want a ticket I can do you one for £25 or three for £85”

Knowles continued, reading from a folded piece of paper he pulled from his back pocket while putting on his very thick spectacles and clearing his throat:

“This brand new, never before legally owned unit, is 100% the property of Edendork GAA community.  As such we, as members and custodians of the club, bestow in it full and proper title, and to any beneficiary to whom we doth choose by our own free will to thereafter gift legal title in it, by way of any trust or other such settlement is fully above board”

When Tyrone Tribulations pressed that the caravan was in fact not legitimately intended for a real raffle, but was owned by the chairman, and that it was probable that his name would magically appear from the tombola, Mr Knowles just started to run for the safety of his car, only to shout to his wife:  “Rosemary, let that dog aff”.   This reporter suffered cuts and bruises.

In other unrelated news, a spider from Irvinestown has been awarded compensation after a particularly windy night blew him over the County border into Fermanagh, where he has been forced to stay without contact with anyone or anything from Tyrone for the past five months.

Tickets for the draw, which unless you are from Edendork you are unlikely to win, can be purchased at https://winaholidayhomeinireland.com/

Recent Study Reveals Most Tyrone Wives Will Keep Masks and Social Distancing At Home ‘FOR YEARS’

A survey carried out by the Galbally Ramblers Society in conjunction with KFC revealed that over 80% of Tyrone wives have considered maintaining mask wearing and social distancing within the household for the foreseeable future.

The 800 responses to the survey also threw up other startling facts which may have repercussions for years to come. Over 94% of wives revealed lockdown confirmed that their husbands are no more useful around the house when they’re there permanently than they are for the normal much shorter periods such as after work or at the weekends.

GRS chairperson Bernadette Conlon confirmed that she’s not surprised at the results:

I can only talk about my own situation. I’ve convinced my husband to wear the mask 24 hrs a day and it has been like a second honeymoon. I’m also very strict about the 2m rule, even in the middle of the night. It’s class. We’ve written to Robin Swann about these findings. If he has any interest in promoting a positive mindset, he’ll enforce these things in the house for another 2 years at least.

In other news, Stewartstown has moved up to No. 377 in the list of the World’s Most Desirable weekend destinations. The Stewartstown Pipe Band will parade for free tomorrow in celebration. Due to current enforcements, they’ll only play one song – Tin Town Races.

GAA Furiously Add More Conditions To New Cup-Lifting Rule.

Angered by the negative feedback across a number of sources, GAA officials have decided to go for the jugular by adding even more rules to their new directive that now prevents joint captains from accepting a cup in an official presentation.

A circular emailed to all county boards this morning indicated that only the best looking player may collect the cup in order to ‘tidy up presentations even more’. A second condition included the directive that the cup may only be lifted at a 75 degree angle and that no winking or pointing is allowed either.

Explaining the decision, Rules Rector Gerry Murphy added:

“We’re now on the Sky television. We can’t have captains with teeth missing pointing at team mates and shouting things like ‘go on ye hoor ye’ into a microphone. You wouldn’t get that at the end of the snooker championship or at Wimbledon. And I’ll hear no more about it.”

Murphy also confirmed that Sean Teague’s trophy lift would definitely not be allowed today and that he’s looking at revoking that title win for Tyrone. He is looking for volunteers to go and tell Teague.

Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County

Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.

Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.

An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:

We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.

Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.

Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.

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