Disturbance in Dungannon After Husband Makes Bad Joke About Wife’s Halloween Mask

 

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Mrs Thompson

PSNI officials have managed to calm tensions in Dungannon today after a row between newlyweds spilled over onto the main road. 

 

Early reports suggest that Mr Thompson, a 29-year-old fitter from the town, greeted his wife in the kitchen this morning with the comment “I see you’ve got your false face on already” despite her not having it on yet. Friends say Mrs Thompson responded with a clean box to the jaw of her recently married husband, sparking a rowing session which went on for nearly an hour.

Police Constable Jack Young added:

“We’re not meant to give opinions on these things but she did over react a bit. That joke has been doing the rounds for decades and it’s not even a particularly good one. Mrs Thompson is a fine-looking young woman so there was no need for her to stretch him out with the one punch.”

Ironically, Mr Thomspon was due to attend a fancy-dress party tonight in the town dressed as Rocky Balboa. The bruising around his eyes and nose today now means he will save a packet on make-up.

Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent councillor Tony Quinn has urged people to be careful with old sayings and clichés.

“People need to be careful with these things. A boy said to be ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer’. That’s pure bollocks and dangerous. I befriended a man who tried to shoot me for being on his land last week. I invited him in for tea the next day and he kicked my balls in.”

Meanwhile, tomorrow will have average temperatures.

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Top Geographer Confirms Hurricane Ophelia Blew Moy Into Armagh Permanently

 

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Moy, Co Armagh

Confusion and denial have been words to describe the feelings of the Moy residents this morning after a top geographer from England confirmed that the Moy is now in Armagh after the recent strong winds and will stay there for a few million years.

 

Satellite images from the International Space Station indicated a geographical land shift in this particular area, with most of the Moy now on the southern side of the Blackwater. Doubt is now also being cast on the legitimacy of the All Ireland wins by Tyrone in the 2000s with any points scored by Moy players reportedly struck off their final tally.

Moy-proud mother Natalie Donaghy admitted she felt something change last week:

“I woke up the morning after the storm and had a real craving for apples and cheap diesel. That night I downed two bottles of Buckfast and that never happens. I even have replaced the picture of the Pope with one of Kieran McGeeney. The earth definitely moved that night.”

Unfortunately, there are calls for the 2008 All Ireland to be awarded to Kerry and the 2005 final to be replayed after scores by Moy players were chalked off. The 2003 final, ironically against Armagh, is untouched due to bad shooting from Moy men that day. Marsden was still retrospectively sent off for punching his own man, Philip Jordan.

Meanwhile, another land shift has seen Aughnacloy moved into Monaghan but no one has batted an eyelid about that.

 

Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track

 

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Artist’s Impression

Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.

 

All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.

Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:

 “I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “

Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.

Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.

Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

Proposed Gigantic Mirror Will Dissect Omagh To Hide Unsightly Empty Spaces Due To School Merger

MCOOPER0651By West Tyrone Reporter Lee Turavod

Omagh District Council have unveiled their staggering new initiative to tackle the issue of empty, desolate spaces all around the town as seventeen of its schools relocate to the new Strule-Lisanelly-Gortin Road-Army Camp location/social experiment facility.

Senior Councilwoman Bridgeen-og  MacNeillis- Carruthers announced this morning in her highly anticipated news conference that a gigantic mirror will be constructed that will dissect Omagh from the Folk Park to the Meat Factory. Carruthers outlined how this new mirror will allow the people of Omagh to continue living blissfully within the town’s environs without having to worry about all those boarded up buildings and empty spaces.

She elaborated:

“the mirror will reflect everything so there will be two of all the things that are already there…meaning no one will even notice or worry about those empty spaces”

She also stated

“as there will now be two of everything – like Lidls and The Carlisle Book Shop, traffic will be far quieter and no one will ever again get stuck in Campsie for 11 hours when they were just popping out to buy an angle-grinder or a new set of Scholl in-soles.”

When pressed as to how the council came up with this plan, Bridgeen-Og admitted that the simultaneous opening of two Mexican eateries last year provided the inspiration:

“…even though one of them had to be closed down because it refused to sell chips”.

The Councilwoman also stressed that:

“We already have one cinema and another one going up and we’re planning to reopen the original hospital on the Hospital Road too – so this will limit how much strain is put on the actual mirror”.

On covering the estimated 90 Million pounds mirror construction, maintenance and revolutionary early warning system to stop people walking into it, Carruthers assured those still listening:

“We’ll all have to tighten our belts because we know this is the best possible solution and everyone I’ve spoken to seems happy to do their bit”.

Construction begins after the first hard frost but not before the clocks go back.

Fintona Man Wants His O Level English Literature From 1977 Remarked

SchoolhouseA 56-year old farmer from Fintona revealed he has written to the examinations awarding body CCEA to ask if his O Level paper from 40 years ago can be remarked after doubts over the accuracy of grades in 2017. 

Patrick Flynn, who scored a C in English Literature in 1977 and was dubbed ‘the smartest man in Tyrone’ by his fellow villagers, maintains he was ‘done up like a kipper’ by the exam board after he thought he definitely scored  a B at least.

“Even though I was labelled the smartest man in Tyrone for years back then after getting the C, I knew I’d done a deadly paper and even managed to write a poem that was 14 verses long during it about a Massey Ferguson which had a mind of its own and wanted to be a Lada. We weren’t asked to write a poem at all but I did it anyway to show off my talents. I was gobsmacked when I got the envelope.”

Flynn maintains he has never been able to hold down a relationship since the result due to fears that women were only after him for his brains after word of the ‘C’ grade got out.

CCEA have confirmed that it’s highly unlikely his paper from 1977 still exists but that they’ll look out the back for it anyway.

Meanwhile, schools in Tyrone have confirmed that Tyronish is to be taught as a GCSE this year with the first module teaching pupils how to insult and slag people in their own dialect effectively.

Stexit Imminent As Stewartstown Prepares To Leave Europe ASAP

 

Stewartstown 1880-1900

Stewartstown, yesterday

In what is now being labeled as a ‘lone wolf initiative’, Stewartstown have already begun the process of leaving Europe, inspired by the recent Catalonian vote as well as all the talk about Brexit, according to a shop-owner in the town.

 

A series of meetings for ‘Stexit’ have already been scheduled for next week, including what to call the new independent state, currency and passport issues.

Randy Gillis, who has run the only sweet shop in the town since 1922, admitted he’s excited about the venture:

“We have always felt different to everyone else. We’d see the Tullyhogue and Cookstown ones driving through our town and you’d get an urge to fire stones at them because of their strange accent and eyes. Sometimes we have showered them with rocks. It’s a weird feeling. This is exciting news.”

Early frontrunners for the new name includes The Independent Republic of Tintown and Stewstin.

Coagh have reacted to the news by banning all sellers of tickets for Stewartstown GAA or the newly formed Stewartstown Triangle Band, the first triangle band in Europe.

Gillis added:

“Frig them.”

Stexit is being planned for the day after Hallowe’en.

Tyrone GAA May Be Prosecuted Under Blasphemy Law After Gooch Reveals Red Hand Sledging

 

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“Well, lad.”

Irish governmental officials and Gardaí are expected to arrive in Tyrone tomorrow to question a number of Tyrone players from 2005 after it was revealed they may have indulged in some sledging directed at the gods of gaelic football, Kerry, and left some of their players in tears during the half-time break and after the final whistle. 

 

Colm Cooper, the ex-Kerry great who is regarded as some modern form of a messiah amongst his people, revealed in his forthcoming autobiography that in games against Tyrone they were subjected to serious verbals from the Ulster team’s defenders during their crucial Croke Park clashes.

A source who has read the book revealed the extent of the ‘sledging’, formally known as ‘slagging’:

“These Tyrone boys had serious mouths on them. They were saying things like ‘I’m going to win the next ball’ and ‘did you see the Eurovision last night?’ into the ears of Kerry Gods. INTO THEIR EARS! You just don’t do that to the Kindgom. Cooper couldn’t help but cry during the 2005 final after being called ‘carrot-head’ by a Dromore defender and blamed it on someone poking his eye. There’s an emotional breaking point you know.”

If convicted, a batch of Tyrone defenders may fall foul of the existing Irish Blasphemy Law, the first people to do so since 1855 when an Armagh man told a visiting Kerry referee that he was ‘blind or something‘ during a friendly in Crossmaglen.

With Joe Brolly ironically representing the Kerry case and Fergal Logan defending the Tyrone sledgers, Sky Sports have signed up to show the trial live and exclusive for £49.99 a session.

Man Wrecks House Before Finding Car Keys

HTB1JDA6QpXXXXbtXVXXq6xXFXXXMA Tattyreagh man has since admitted he probably reacted inappropriately in completely wrecking his house at 7am after he couldn’t find his keys before work.

Jack McCabe (47) later found his keys in the fruit bowl in the kitchen, despite claiming he looked into it several times, whilst blaming his wife and children for probably moving them.

Jack, who arrived into work THREE minutes before start time, revealed the terror of the search in the minutes between finishing his breakfast and the discovery of the keys:

“It was bedlam. I overturned every cushion, sofa and bed and checked the same places about 20 times each in the hope that they’d magically appear since the last time I checked. I gave the wife terrible abuse as well as blaming several of the children.”

Jack’s wife, Paula, calmly found the keys within seconds of looking, sitting in the middle of the kitchen table in the fruit bowl where they normally rest 90% of the time.

“I definitely checked that about 50 times. I don’t know how that happened and suspect some sort of foul play. Unfortunately, the same thing happened the morning before.”

Paula has since bought a key holder box which she nailed to the wall in the kitchen. Jack has so far refused to use it.

 

Tyrone County Board Admits Women Probably Do Exist

yuAfter a shambolic decision to arrange a men’s championship games the same day as Tyrone Ladies’ All-Ireland Final appearance, the Tyrone County Board have admitted that women actually may exist after footage from TG4 appeared to confirm their suspicions.

Tyrone ladies, despite matching Tipperary for skill and effort, fell short in their attempt to annex the Intermediate title just before Errigal Ciaran and Carrickmore locked horns in a men’s county quarter-final.

However, in an attempt to address the situation this week, the county board have revealed that women may actually exist and, even more remarkably, play football.

Tyrone Fixture Committee compiler Hugh Jackson admitted:

“Yes, we received footage from TG4 on Monday which suggests that not only do women exist but that they may actually play sport. Remarkably, men appear to watch it as well. It’s been an eye-opener to be honest, even though I was suspicious of our chairperson in the first place.”

The County Board are to investigate the issue further over the winter.

Meanwhile, TT would like to congratulate the ladies team for their brilliance this year and for giving Tyrone gaels something to cheer on into September.

Ricey McMenamin To Introduce Rottweilers & Cement To Fermanagh Training

_63823372_rmcmenamin624The news that Ryan McMenamin has been drafted into the Fermanagh Seniors backroom team has reportedly sparked fear and wonderment within the Erne squad with many young players deciding to remain solely playing club football for another year to ‘build themselves up a bit’. 

A leaked document shows how McMenamin wowed the interviewing panel with details on how he aims to get a job at Quinn’s Cement and bring some of the stuff in his pockets to training and slip in into their drinks to ‘harden them up a bit’.

The 5-point plan also detailed an adventurous training regime which included a requisition for 20 O’Neills size 5s, 20 cones, 10 red bibs, 10 yellow bibs and 6 Rottweilers.

A Fermanagh insider added:

“We’ve had seven lads remove themselves from the WhatsApp group. Some claim to have injuries that’ll need a year to clear up. Others state they’re giving the club their all in the coming 12 months. The Ricey Effect we’re calling it. Looks like we’re left with just psychos on the panel.”

Another method on the detailed document explained how McMenamin aims to take night classes in the county which involves modules such as ‘memorising the phone book’ and ‘tickling’.

Meanwhile, Cathal McCarron’s county mileage expenses for next year has reportedly resulted in a portion of Garvaghey being sold to KFC.

Man-cold Just As Lethal As Man-flu Says Scientists

 

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A rare sight

Leading boffins at Queen’s University have confirmed that ‘man-cold’ can have just as equally debilitating effects as man-flu does, at any time of year. 

 

Symptoms such as being unable to put the bin out this week and losing the ability to make a cup of tea have been cited as classic signs of mancold according to scientist Prof Barry Donnelly from Belfast:

“We’ve long suspected that man-cold can be compared to man-flu in many ways and recent observations have confirmed this. We observed three men in the early stages of a mild head cold and they displayed typical signs such as laying on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves, to shouting at the children for trivial things. In fact, being unable to do any family activities was the confirmation we needed.”

Man-cold sufferers have been advised to avoid looking for sympathy from spouses and to definitely refrain from comparing the head cold to child birth at all costs. Three man-colders suffered severe bruising in east Tyrone last week after refusing to attend a ‘Back-To-School’ information evening for parents in Moortown, citing being unwell.

Doctors have asked man-cold sufferers to drink a glass of water and to get up.

Brackaville Hero Saves Snail From Potentially Drowning In Bucket

 

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Simon the snail RIP

An East Tyrone joiner was this morning lauded ‘a modern-day hero’ after he removed a snail from the side of a metal bucket as it headed towards the mouth of the filled vessel. 

 

Petesy Carberry, who has played down the incident as ‘one of those things anyone would do’, admitted he was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of congratulations and well-wishers since his feat went viral on YouTube:

“It was one of those things that you didn’t think much about at the time. I had just put the kettle on and went outside to the toilet when I saw the slime from the snail making a trail across the yard and right up to the bucket. I just went over and tried talking the snail down but it still edged up to the rim. I could stand it no more and just flicked it off.”

Carberry’s son, Petesy Jnr, recorded the whole incident on his phone from the top window and posted it on YouTube. Until the time of writing, it had been viewed over 7m times with comments such as ‘wow‘, ‘Will you marry me?’ and ‘I’m in tears here‘ posted in the section below the video.

Carberry has already been booked to appear on the various chat shows across the globe as well as odds-on favourite for some form of acknowledgement from the Queen of England which he says he will turn down publicly but may accept in private.

The snail, named Simon by fans, has since been put down after destroying Carberry’s lettuces.

Sky Sports TV Begin Colonisation Of Ireland By Visiting Garvaghey. Canavan In Cahoots.

 

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Leaked Sky Projection 2020

A plan to colonise Ireland by Sky Sports has been unearthed by a junior reporter for the Tyrone Tribs after two prominent presenters left behind vital documents during a visit to the Tyrone GAA centre in Garvaghey.

 

Jeff Sterling and Chris Kamara, linchpins of Sky Sports Soccer Saturday, arrived at the Ballygawley venue supposedly to find out more about GAA in the county for their coverage of the games on satellite TV.

However, it has emerged that, with the help of Peter Canavan, it was the first shots in a planned conquest of the country by the Murdochs on a par with Cromwell in the 1650s.

The document described how Sky plan to:

  • Disable RTE feeds in every county
  • Launch a brutal smear campaign on Michael Lyster and Des Cahill
  • Proclaim Peter Canavan ‘God’ of not just Tyrone but of England, Wales and Scotland
  • Free installation of Sky in Nursing Homes
  • War

GAA fanatic and RTE fan Harry Devlin from Glenelly admitted he was shocked but not surprised at the findings:

“That Murdoch lad is a ruthless bollocks. I’m disappointed at Canavan, although some said they he has his classes in Cookstown humming the Sky Soccer Saturday theme tune instead of their traditional school song ‘Baggy Trousers’.”

Croke Park have asked for volunteers to mobilise next Saturday at Parnell Park and head towards Sky’s HQ in Dublin 4.

 

Tyrone-Born RTE Executive Makes Compromise Over Partitionist Map By Just Excluding Derry

Irish_Counties_MapFollowing the furore over a map displayed on the RTE’s Late Late Show which showed six counties missing, a graphic executive from Omagh has offered an alternative map to be used on the show next week which sees Derry alone removed from the country. 

Sean Malone, who joined the organisation after completing a BTech in ICT in 2009, maintains the compromise is something he hopes is palatable to the majority of the country.

“I can’t see anyone having any problems with this new map. By doing this, we make sure people like Joe Brolly, Dana, Eoghain Quigg, Fergal Sharkey, Eamonn McCann, Phil Coulter and Nigel Dodds can’t appear on TV. Seamus Heaney’s poetry may be used. We’ll make an exception for that. This isn’t something personal against Derry as some are suggesting. I’ve had great nights in the Elk.”

Early indications show a slightly less angry response from the public over the new map although many are still puzzled as to why a 32-county map just can’t be used.

Malone explained:

“That would mean acknowledging we messed up. We will never admit that. Or that we don’t really like those counties up there. By giving you back 5 of the 6 counties shows a serious level of humility and generosity from the RTE hierarchy. Just be happy with your lot or we’ll take out Fermanagh.”

Meanwhile a televised RTE Mass from the ecclesiastical of Ireland has been cancelled due to none of the production team knowing where it is.

Boy Refused Entry To New School After Mother Forgets To Post Picture On Facebook

doorA First Year at a secondary school in Tyrone was turned away at the foyer of his new learning establishment after office staff confirmed his mother forget to take a picture of him outside his house before he left.

Leon O’Neill (11), who says he wants to be an MOT inspector when he grows up, had to return home for a quick selfie on his porch as his parents had headed back to bed.

Mid-Tyrone School secretary, Pauline Quinn, maintains the lad could have been anyone after they checked his mother’s Facebook page on arrival:

“Who in their right mind doesn’t post a picture of their child on their first day of the new academic year on Facebook with the hashtag #mybaby or #wheredoesthetimego, and then maybe compare it to the picture from last year? It was a serious lapse of responsible parenthood on Mrs O’Neill’s part and that’s why he was turned away. He could have been from Derry or Armagh or anything.”

Leon did return to school until 10am but missed the instructions from his first class to back his RE book, which will see him probably land in trouble on Monday.

Leon was also one of hundreds of traumatised pupils who caught their parents having a full-on party at home with nuts and wine after they were let out early.

Meanwhile, the school revealed they have already received 940 applications from pupils to attend an after-school electronics withdrawal therapy class.

Top 3 Sean Cavanagh Moments

 

Sean Cavanagh and Dublin's Colin Moran trying to get control of this loose ball

Dublin man tries to sniff Sean

 

As the legendary Sean Cavanagh brings the curtain down on his illustrious county career, we take a look at some of his lesser known greatest hits:

  1. SHOULDER CHARGE ON FRANCIE BELLEW

Back in 2005, Tyrone and Armagh were in the midst of healthy pure hatred. Armagh were our North Korea and Francie Bellew was Kim Jong-un. In the third and most crucial game that season between the two, Francie was running about hitting boys with his knee, elbows and stuff, like normal. Sean finally decided that enough was enough that day and met Francie with a shoulder which reverberated around the stadium and whose shockwaves incidentally wrecked part of the new Cusack Stand. Bellew’s bones were still rattling as he took his seat to watch the All-Ireland final a few weeks later. After Geezer was inexplicably shown the line by his manager, a rapturous cheer erupted through Croker as the big man leapt like a Torrent trout over Coalisland to field a kickout and stride the rest of the pitch to chip over a fine coffin-nail score.

2. SHIMMY SENDS DICK CLERKIN INTO A SPIN

Two years later and Tyrone were playing Monaghan in Clones. Dick Clerkin never liked Tyrone. Some say it was because a boy from Trillick wiped his eye with a girl from Clontribret at the Gaeltacht when they were 16. I dunno. But Sean knew Dick hated us as Dick would mutter stuff like ‘red handed hoors’ during the parade. So Sean pulled his Category A shimmy, usually reserved for special occasions, and sent Dick into a spin like never before. Dick continued to spin for the rest of the game and into the changing rooms and onto the bus. At the post match meal he was still spinning and completely messed up his shirt with a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Dick still hates Tyrone. The First Glorious Shimmy some say was taught to Cavanagh by an Edendork lad slipping on black ice getting on the bus at The Academy in Dungannon, before Seán’s Armagh days. Sean first displayed this “Geezer Teaser” in his debut in 2002. It’s said three different men from Crossmaglen were left (and still are to this day) – cross-eyed at the wondrous side step and following point. There’s talk that his shimmy is to be retired in the Croke Park Museum but must be looked at through sunglasses for fear of becoming another Dick or a pile of Dicks if looked at collectively.

3. TURNING DOWN L’OREAL CONTRACT

Whilst a lot of GAA players are lured away from these shores by the promise of a career in Aussie Rules, Sean Cavanagh stayed true to his county and refused repeated attempts by L’Oreal to be their face of L’Oreal Paris Shampoo and Conditioner. Sean’s hair has been much admired by the general public since he made his senior breakthrough in 2002. Despite the holy trinity ravages of Age, Clerkin and Bellew, the Moy man has managed to maintain his untainted barnet in perfect condition much the annoyance of the McCann brothers who have tried to mimic his magnificence unsuccessfully. L’Oreal finally stopped harassing Cavanagh in 2014 when he was caught buying a can of Just For Men in Killyman although he claimed it was for Philly Jordan.

Dub Pagan Weather God Worshippers Arrested As Tyrone GAA Pitches Wiped Out During Storms

 

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Tyrone, an hour ago

A spate of arrests were carried out this evening in Dublin after a heavy storm obliterated many GAA grounds in Tyrone on Tuesday night. Barra Best and Frank Mitchell have also been questioned on suspicion of colluding with pagans in the capital. 

 

In what has been labelled a carefully executed blitz on key targets akin to something witnessed during WWII, over 55 grounds were wiped out with only Garvaghey untouched due to the careful planning and foresight by Club Tyrone officials a few years ago.

Sources in and around Dublin claim that spiritualists called upon the pre-Christian figure of Echaid to resurrect his enormous fictional horse, whose urine was so powerful and thunderous back then that it created Lough Neagh when going to the toilet one night.

Taddy Pally added:

“Echaid’s ‘pissy horse’ seems to have created havoc last night in the county, in what they christened Storm Hill 16. But I do think Barra Best and Frank Mitchell, no lovers of Tyrone, are up to their necks in this too. Them boys know how to manipulate fronts and stuff. Gavin paid them probably as well.”

Club Tyrone officials were reportedly feeling vindicated after the much-maligned geographical position of Garvaghy, on a mountain, avoided the floods due to its extreme altitude.

Meanwhile, Healy Park officials have said they’ve never seen their pitch looking so well.

Dubs Sceptical As Third Cavanagh Brother Brought Into Tyrone Squad

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Anthony Cavanagh

The Dublin management team are to approach the GAA’s Central Competitions Control Committee (CCCC) to initiate a quick DNA test after Mickey Harte unveiled a previously unknown Cavanagh brother to the public this morning, stating he’s to play alongside Mark Bradley in the forward line against the All Ireland Champions on Sunday. 

 

Anthony Cavanagh, who claims to have spent the last few years in England ‘slapping lads and stuff’, togged out for the Moy last week, scoring 1-2 in the first 20 minutes before being sent off for violent conduct. Insiders claim he has formed a sparkling partnership with the diminutive Mark Bradley on and off the field, with pictures emerging of them frolicking in a field in Killyclogher with Cavanagh giving Mark piggy-backs.

Moy GFC board member Jacques Mackle explained his qualities:

“People think Sean and Colm are the footballers in the family but this lad is a real humdinger. He has Sean’s stride and Colm’s fielding. He also has a shimmy of his own but unfortunately it usually sees him red carded as it involves his fists. But against the Dubs that might be a good thing. We’ll see. He’s our secret weapon.”

It is believed that the Dublin managerial team are not buying it and have asked for a DNA test, possibly by Thursday before the teams are announced. Mackle has refuted the Dublin claims of skullduggery, adding

“Sure he has that oul Cavanagh head on him. And he hates Eglish. You say you’re from Eglish and he’ll take your head off, literally. Gavin Devlin has convinced him Jonny Cooper has an Eglish grandfather.”

Meanwhile, Diarmuid Connolly has been released.

Nathan Carter To Outshine Bonnie Tyler During Eclipse By Eating 24 Wagon Wheels Whilst Singing Hit

2015-06-18_lif_10471863_I3 copyFollowing the news that Bonnie Tyler will perform her classic hit Total Eclipse of the Heart on a boat during the lunar eclipse on Monday, Killyman Social Club have offered Nathan Carter the chance to outshine the global superstar by eating two dozen Wagon Wheels whilst singing Wagon Wheel on the roof of the club during the same eclipse.

Although Carter has yet to agree to the venture, Killyman club officials remain optimistic after reports suggested the country and western singer was seen buying multipacks of Wagon Wheels in Asda last week.

Spokesman Philly McVeigh explained:

“We didn’t think it was right that Tyler hogged the limelight during this eclipse. We considered asking Philomena to sing Blanket on the Ground during a National Sewing Championship to get the whole song theme thing going but Nathan’s probably a bigger draw right now. And a wagon wheel looks like the moon so that’s an even closer link. It’s a tenner to watch him do this great feat as the moon darkens.”

The number 24 (Wagon Wheels) were specifically chosen to represent the amount of hours in a day.

When it was pointed out to McVeigh that the total eclipse can only be seen in America and that, at best, only 4% of the moon will be covered over here, he halted the interview.

This is the second time Killyman will have profited from a celestial event. In 1986 they promised closer views of Haley’s Comet by standing on a beer crate, charging a pound a go. They bought a new dugout with the earnings.

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