Foster – not on fire

A qualified medical practitioner who has almost finished his postgraduate training has confirmed that, having analysed footage of the DUP’s conference in slow motion, Arlene Foster is probably just experiencing hot flushes and was definitely not on fire.

The initial claim of a combustible Foster was made towards the end of the conference when up to 20 DUP members became vocally adamant that their leader was in fact aflame in front of their eyes and chanted something to the same effect at the emergency services or anyone with water within the conference building.

Dr Robert Sheehy  (26) maintains it was a rushed call by the party members:

“I have studied the footage in great detail and can medically confirm that Foster was not actually on fire but was perhaps suffering from what in lay terms is known as hot flushes – a sudden feeling of feverish heat – a common experience for women and some men between the ages of 40 and 55. I read this in a book just last week.”

Dr Sheehy, although not claiming to be an expert in this field, has advised Foster to wear a magnet in her knickers as a method to deal with the sudden feeling of warmth, a method Belinda Carlisle swears by.

“I would also call on the male members of her party to be a bit more sensitive to what’s going on and the young women up there larking about on that stage should have a tad more sense and read a bit about it the way I have done.”

Meanwhile, the DUP still oppose same-sex marriage.