Author Archives: Gombeen
Businesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.
Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.
Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.
Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”
A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.
A Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.
Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.
Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.
Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:
“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”
Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Clonoe-born John McClure has been hailed as a real life Die Hard hero after he foiled an attempted robbery at a jewellers in Los Angeles last week.
McClure entered Rickman and Co jewellers in downtown LA two minutes before closing time to “look about a ring for the woman” and “to find somewhere to get to the bogs“.
Unbeknownst to the former Rahilly ticket seller, a carefully planned diamond heist was in full swing which he found himself in the middle of and, subsequently, alleviating the robbery. It is understood that McClure’s ‘heroics’ saved the business $640m.
“It all started cause I was busting for the toilets. I ran in and kicked open the men’s toilet door and disarmed a man who was on the other side of the door. It looked like he had a name badge that said Kyle. I noticed a pistol dropping to the floor out of the corner of my eye, but paid it no more attention, as I was concentrating on not getting any pish on the lovely marble tiles. I must have hit the door some boot to be fair…”
When McClure enquired about the price of one of the diamonds his missus would be keen on, he flung his arms in disgust and knocked out another would-be robber (who had been posing as a concierge) with a rear-lead hook uppercut.
The piece-du-resistance came when the Clonoe native took out the remaining members of the gang in one fell swoop:
“I got bored listening to all that diamond talk, ‘cut’ this and ‘clarity’ that, so I got some duct tape out of a drawer and taped a load of C4 explosives I found in the toilet around a real old Amstrad computer, taped the whole thing to a wheel chair and dropped it through the lift shaft…She lit up like a Christmas tree, with the blow back singeing my eyebrows. I saw it in an old 80s movie once and just kind of did it for the craic to be honest. They said I killed the four remaining German tourists, or was it terrorists? …I can’t remember…”
In court yesterday, Judge Rinder commended McClure for his actions. He has been asked back to the city on Christmas Eve for a special award ceremony in his honour.
McClure has since broken up with his fiancée Holly over allegations he is ‘too tight’.
Moortown Woman To Sue Cookstown Disco For Not Getting A Man Between 1990 and 1994 Due To Smoke Machine.
A Moortown spinster maintains she has a solid case to take against Clubland in Cookstown after claiming that the smoke machine they used during the slow dances made it impossible for potential suitors to see her all done up.
Hillary McClintock (53) is hoping to claim up to £10’000 in damages after she failed to get one curt over a four-year period despite attending the disco for over 200 consecutive weeks and twice one week over Christmas. Her barrister maintains that he has evidence that the smoke machine made it much harder for Hillary to show off her rugged loughshore looks, even during Bryan Adams slow songs.
“My client even wore figure-hugging dungarees which we all know are irresistible to lads from Clonoe and Brackaville. It doesn’t make any sense. My sister who had two eyes heading in different directions met her future husband during a Wet Wet Wet song even with the smoke coming down. Not sure if I’ve just ruined my own argument there.”
McClintock has yet to say how the £10’000 was arrived at but is confident she will at least get a voucher of some sort, even though the Pink Pussycat nightclub doesn’t exist any more.
Meanwhile, scientists in Queen’s University in Belfast have revealed that the most likely song to get a partner at a Cookstown disco during the 1990s was Cotton Eye Joe.
A Brussels official has confirmed in a leaked document that if any of Antrim, Armagh, Derry, Down, Fermanagh or Tyrone are to lift the All Ireland title in the near future, under a hard border the Sam Maguire Cup will have to be left with border officials on the way up home until the next time the team crosses back over heading down to Dublin.
Contingency plans have already been put in place if this unlikely scenario occurs, with a replica Sam Maguire to be picked up in a shop outside Newry, made out of tin foil but spray-painted to look shiny from a distance.
A world border expert from Berlin, Hans Gertruff, has already advised all of the aforementioned six counties to say nothing to their supporters in case it takes away from the homecoming celebration.
“In the highly unlikely event of this happening, I have also advised those counties to refrain from drinking out of the replica Sam Maguire as it will probably start leaking never mind the horrible tin foil taste. They should also come up with excuses as to why they forgot the trophy when they visit primary schools and all.”
When asked about other possible suggestions as to how the six counties could get around the Sam Maguire hard border scenario, a Dublin GAA official broke into a hearty laugh which lasted over five minutes before he needed his inhaler, finally adding ‘you needn’t worry’.
After a long and arduous investigative mission, we can exclusively confirm that Phil Collins has been secretly integrating himself into the Galbally community since 2003 and is frequently heard humming rebel songs to himself on the way home from the shop.
Collins, who hit fame with the band Genesis and once controversially taught a gorilla to play the drums, moved to the mid-Tyrone settlement after attending the All Ireland Final in 2003 and falling in love with the locals and their untamed ways.
Our reporter told us:
“He feels safe in Galbally. Even though most of them know who he is, they don’t really care and the majority even think he’s shite. He never gets asked to sing at wakes and stuff. I think he likes the anonymity.”
Known locally as ‘Brit Phil’, Collins finished third at the Galbally over-60s solo singing feis last month, singing a mournful version of the Broad Black Brimmer. He was defeated by an 81-year old self-taught yodeller and Hughie Begley, a third cousin of Philomena’s.
Collins is also a regular attendee at Galbally GAA games and can be regularly heard threatening the ref that he’ll not make it out of the ground alive.
In addition to the new playing rules which have been introduced to make sure the nation doesn’t have to be subjected to another Dublin/Tyrone final, GAA fans have been hit with a rash of new spectating rules which were passed in the small print of the playing rules.
In a move to make Ulster GAA fans more civilised like their rugby counterparts, the GAA will trial the following set of rules for the upcoming McKenna Cup competition:
- No more than 6 ham sandwiches in any group of 10 sandwiches stored in the boot of any motor
- No more than 12 sandwiches in total
- No tin foil. Use cling film or sandwich bags.
- Tea must be pre-made. No tea bags within 20 miles of any ground.
- Throwing teabags into the hedge will result in a one-year ban from all games.
- Monkey hats must have fluffy balls on the top
- Crisps must be in a clear bag and must be homemade or one of those fancy hand cut local brands
- Alcohol must be consumed in a wine glass around the boot of a car
- In fact, boots must remain closed. Drink and eat at a portable picnic table.
- Cursing must be followed up with an apology and patting some child on the head.
Tyrone GAA have yet to comment on the new initiatives or how they will be implemented around Healy Park.
A Fintona hedge expert is said to be holding up well in his 8×6 Apex overlap dip-treated shed after spending a third night locked out of his house.
Francie Daly (44) returned from work on Thursday to find himself literally in the dog house after completely forgetting to wish his wife a Happy Birthday on the social media network Facebook, despite already giving her flowers, a card, a new car and making her breakfast that morning.
Locally known as ‘Hedgy’ because of his brilliance with hedge clippers, Francie admitted he is completely to blame:
“Aye I messed up. I completely understand her reaction. Despite the new car, flowers, card and breakfast, it doesn’t really count unless I upload the whole thing onto Facebook so everyone can see how much I like her. I’m an idiot.”
Family and friends of Daly have been inundating him with provisions such as corned beef sandwiches and toilet roll.
Mrs Daly (40) has yet to show any signs of thawing. At 3.06pm today she posted on Facebook a cryptic “men are just dicks” which received over 30 likes and five comments. One comment added “aye, assholes“. An hour later she posted a picture of her drinking wine and eating a tube of Pringles.
Following the news that a possible UFO was spotted off the coast of Kerry before heading north, PSNI have confirmed that they would like to speak to the driver or drivers of the vehicle for multiple motoring offences.
The list of misdemeanours include failure to stop at traffic lights, several speed limit offences, failure to hold a legitimate driving licence and lack of MOT certificate.
Despite having no concrete footage of the offences, PSNI motoring officer Barry Garlow is adamant that they’ll have enough anecdotal evidence to make a fortune for the police force in penalties and fines:
“We have the audio from several pilots who were in the air at the time. The UFO definitely flew over Strabane on its way north and probably onto another galaxy. It’s only a matter of time before their reckless disregard for rules of the road ends in tragedy. We just want one of them to come forward and turn themselves in to PSNI Strabane at 23 Bowling Green Road. To delay will only make it worse.”
An Garda Síochána admitted they are monitoring the situation at present but currently state they will not seek contact for the recent incident as they’re not sure themselves about speed limits on country roads.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
Your stories are shite. The one about the Coalisland jersey was done by someone with zero Photoshop skills. My 90-year-old granny could have done that and she’s doting and can’t work her arms. Why don’t you just call it a day and spare us this crap? MARIE, GORTIN
It’s hard to disagree to be honest. We often don’t read our own stories either.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I’m sick of your stories. I counted and 88% of them are based in the east of the county. Everyone knows that 68% of Tyrone is in the west of the county, geographically. There’s life west of Coalisland you know. NOLEEN, PLUMBRIDGE
Again, you make good points. I’m personally sick of the east bias too. We just sacked four writers although three of them were from Omagh. I hope this is sufficient.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
The story you wrote about Trump saying Lough Neagh belonged to Tyrone was one of the worst stories I’ve ever read. My three-year-old daughter has written better tales and she can’t even write. You make me angry. LIAM, STRABANE
I know. Standards have plummeted so far that I wouldn’t even use this screen as toilet roll. We can only apologise and offer a refund.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
It will be a great day when you pull this site down. It pollutes my social media timeline feeds and actually puts me into bad form after one sentence.Why don’t you just fook off into the wilderness for good? STEPHEN, EDENDORK
To be honest, it’s only a matter of time really. There are only so many jokes you can make about Hugo Duncan or eels before you lose the will to live.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
I would like to agree with Marie from Gortin above. The Coalisland jersey story and pictures were so bad I dropped my phone in anger and broke it. Just stop. It’s worse than shite. LEO, BERAGH
Again, we agree with your sentiments. Imagine how much more excruciating it is to write them than to read them.
Dear Tyrone Tribulations,
This is quite possibly the worst satirical site out there. Even calling it satirical is farcical. It’s pure dung and as funny as a kick in the balls. BILLY, BELFAST
100% spot on. It’s not only the unfunniest satirical site, it’s just the worst site all around on the internet, in our opinion. It’s the perfect example of a waste of cyber space.
JOIN US NEXT MONTH FOR DECEMBER’S CHRISTMAS SPECIAL FAN MAIL .
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.
A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.
When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:
“the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”
Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.
It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.
Following on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign.
Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.
One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey. Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.
The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.
Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:
“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”
Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It is believed that following the viewing of a single episode of Joe Mahon’s latest UTV series online, and after briefly bumping into Malachi Cush in Washington, the President of the United States Donald Trump has asserted in a tweet that Lough Neagh belongs firmly to the ‘people of Throne’, and that he would stand firmly behind them should anyone else dispute the fact.
It is unknown if any bordering county is planning a coup or aims to annex the lovely water that is yet to be bottled and sold, due to its brown colour and fragrant essence.
In the tweet on Friday 9th November 2018, President Trump stated that the lough has always belonged to the people of Tyrone, although managing to spell the name of the county incorrectly. Trump then mistakenly pointed out in comments beneath his own tweet that the lough belonged to The Red Hand County following a boat race where Owen Roe O’Neill somehow cut off his own two hands with a spoon and threw them in onto a slide at the Washingbay playground in 1980 to win the sports day 100m race.
The great news shared by Mr Trump has been retweeted 13,992 times and has received over 9,000 likes from people including Sean Cavanagh, Plunkett Donaghy and Philip Jordan of the Moy, Joe Brolly’s Mother, Kim Jung il, Dennis Rodman, Tito Jackson formerly of the Jackson 5 who recently revealed his Coalisland connections, Tyson Fury the heavyweight boxer, and unsurprisingly Joe Mahon.
Trump posted the tweet along with a cartoon picture of him sitting on a tomahawk missile. It is yet to be confirmed if this indicates his wishes to open a new arms plant at the Ardboe Aerodrome next spring.
After three years of rigorous testing and research, boffins at NASA have revealed that they are to run the crucial final tests of their new Mars Rover around the roads in Derrylaughan.
The east Tyrone townland was chosen over other areas such as the Alps and a volcano in Tonga due to the atrocious state of the roads in the area over the last three years which perfectly mimic the mountainous terrain of the Red Planet.
The NI Tourism board have urged loughshore residents to cash in on the visitors from Washington by opening their illegal spare rooms and floors as B&Bs as well as offering local delights such as pollans and home-brew liquor.
Mars Rover director Hank Power revealed that Derrylaughan was always high on their radar:
“This Derrylaughan is like a celestial body in its own right. I believe that the roads are so treacherous that the government are currently considering phasing out automobiles in the area altogether and replacing them with donkeys. It’s perfect for our Rover.”
The NI Roads Service have been quick to claim credit for the decision, citing it was their intention all along to win Derrylaughan the Mars contract by being terrible at fixing the roads in the first place.
Locals remain unconvinced.
Police have arrested a suspect in connection with at least a dozen boxes containing likely pipe band material as well as possession of plans to start a pipe band in the Aughnacloy area.
Cedric Bogue, 46, originally from Fermanagh, was taken into custody on Friday, PSNI Director Chris Right confirmed at a press conference today in Dungannon.
Bogue has been charged with five serious crimes ― intercounty transportation of a bass drone reed, illegal mailing of flyers to promote the band, making threats against members of rival bands, threatening social media communications, and assaulting current and former pipe band judges before they’d even competed. He faces up to 48 years in prison.
Pipe Major of Aghaloo Slashers Pipe Band, Kirk Douglas, is delighted at Bogue’s arrest:
“The last thing Aughnacloy needs is another pipe band. What with fundraising, marching the roads, the dreadful chanter squeals from bad players and unsightly legs, the people of this area have suffered enough. I only play to get away at the weekends.”
Bogue has already admitted to distributing practice chanters and music sheets for tunes such as The Bonnie Lass of Lisrooskey, Cuthbert Donnelly’s Farewell To Emyvale and The Rowan Tree to over a dozen impressionable music-loving youths.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It has emerged that a special GAA Dubious Results Committee are to investigate allegations of match-fixing following some extremely surprising results in club league games in recent days.
As the league tables are finalised and secure positions become known for next year, it has been rumoured that some clubs have remarkably not been giving 100% in their last game.
A rash of inexplicable wins and draws over the past two weeks have led to an international chair of experts being assembled and called to Garvaghey to investigate. The expert panel consisting of Bruce Grobbelaar, John Higgins and Lance Armstrong were due to be flown to Tyrone today and have apparently been watching video footage of Division One and Two games from last weekend on the plane.
Joe Doyle, a County board insider who does not wish to be named, told us:
“Aye, you get plenty of that at this time of year, so you do…lads throwing points when they are safe…in exchange for free sandwiches the next time the teams meet, or agreeing to stay away from their women at McAleers…”
Evidence understood to be presented to the experts from last weekends games include a dog lining out in full-forward for Killyclogher, Donaghmore and Omagh fielding just 2 a side, and Coalisland Fianna sending out their Ladies team to play Clonoe. The Edendork Bingo Snowball has also been slashed from £6000 to £200 despite there being no recent winners.
The results of the investigation are due out next week, though the chances are you’ll never hear about this again until this time next year.
Home owners in East Tyrone are said to be considering their options after a chilling message was sprayed on a house in Brocagh last night.
Up to 40 youths were reportedly witnessed hanging around the wall all day yesterday dressed up in early Halloween costumes. It appears that they intend on launching a 48-hour door to door trick or treat extravaganza and have warned adults not to even consider giving them fruit as a reward for knocking their door, or they will have their ‘bollix kicked in’.
Peader Quinn (49), who owns the house which was spray-painted on, is under no illusion as to why he was targeted:
“Last year I completely forgot to get sweets. Luckily I’d over a dozen bananas and rationed them out amongst trick or treaters. The next morning my garden was covered in banana peels. It was an obvious message.”
Quinn has advised locals to stay strong and not to give in to the demands of the community’s children.
“What next? Telling parents what they want for Christmas up to £1000? This is the thin end of the wedge.”
Quinn went on to blame Conor McGregor and the GAA for the threat.
Although police are unable to patrol the area, or want to, they have asked anyone getting a kicking to phone their helpline.
We are proud to release our 2018 Hallowe’en Tyrone GAA pumpkin carvings of current and past players. All our carvings were handmade by a group of experts in Quinn’s Corner last night.
You can get one for £9.99 or two for £20, free delivery. Email for details.
A county Tyrone television watcher has thrown the TV series Dr Who into disarray after he worked out that the outer dimensions of the TARDIS in no way matches up to its inner measurements.
Diarmuid Dieselin, who claims to have worked on the finer detail of this explosive revelation for more that five years, has already written to the BBC asking for an apology for 55 years of hoodwinking the audience.
“It’s a disgrace. The box is about nine feet tall, maybe three and a half feet wide and deep. Yet inside the TARDIS there are many rooms and chambers as well as a massive console room. Do they think we are idiots?”
Although the BBC have yet to comment on the news, sources close to the broadcaster have hinted that they might stall the current series to rebuild the TARDIS so that it looks more like a hotel or change the plots completely and just have one small table and two plastic chairs inside it.
Mr Dieselin is currently assessing the supposed speed of the TARDIS which currently traverses the time vortex and can rematerialise in any destination or time. Early indications suggest he’s not pleased with his findings.