Author Archives: Gombeen
Uproar In Brackaville As Priest Makes Parishioners Shout Confessions From 100 Metres Away, Up His Lane
Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.
Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.
The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:
“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”
Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.
The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.
Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.
Over 8000 packets of fig rolls have now been purchased in the greater Fintona area since the outbreak of the Coronavirus, with scientists at a loss to explain why the Fintonese people are stockpiling on the controversial biscuit.
Despite remaining tight-lipped about the reason behind their spending habits, many from the village have brazenly traveled as far as Fivemiletown in order to top up their fig roll provisions.
Professor Kitty Kilmore remains perplexed by the pattern:
“We’ve looked at this from every angle but cannot find a reason why the Fintonese people feel the need to stockpile fig rolls in case of a emergency. Water and bread I understand but this fig roll obsession has us stumped. We’d love to know what this signals.”
Despite persistent emails and phone calls, Fintona Lord Mayor Freddie McCann refused to comment on their rationale and just kept winking and pointing at his nose when asked.
One explanation currently being considered is a misunderstanding by the local finona people. When asked at a Mid-Ulster conference as to which foods to stock up on if a national emergency was announced, an irate Health Minister Noel Pattyson simply replied, ‘frig all’.
Despite the temporary banning of the shaking of hands, church officials today confirmed that God will not allow anyone to get the Coronavirus by passing the collection basket around or by handling money, especially notes.
Although the message was met with groans across the county this morning, the collection in all 43 parishes still totaled just under £90’000 for all Masses this weekend, a slight decrease on last week.
Bishop James Bogue from Trillick confirmed that the Vatican are sure God would not allow anyone to contract the illness from the basket but reminded people to use notes instead of coins as you’d never know whose hands had been on the coins:
“Yes, we had a long good prayer about the basket and came to the decision that God wouldn’t allow it. But to be on the safe side, use notes as they normally stay in wallets and all. Coins would be fiddled with in pockets and stuff.”
Clogher Parish only managed to donate £30 this week after parishioners failed to make it to Mass on time due to queues outside the Spar which was selling 100 toilet rolls for £50.
Meanwhile, a hand-washing seminar in Ardboe was cut short after no soap was produced. Locals confirmed that soap hasn’t been used in the area since the 80s, with people just washing their hands in the Lough in the morning.
Sources from within the Dublin camp have confirmed that the half time brawl between themselves and Tyrone was down to Tyrone turning off the immersion heater during the first half, leaving cold Dublin players without their half time shower.
The immersion switch, which is located at the end of the tunnel, was turned on by the Dublin management just before throw-in, in preparation for their half time warming session which is the norm at Croke Park.
It emerged that the switch was mischievously turned off by a Tyrone backroom member during an important play on the field. Dublin masseuse Brenda Pollan explained:
“Big Fenton went mad. He loves his warm showers and as soon as he saw the light was off he started swinging. I’ve never seen him so animated. They even wash their balls and all. Think the Tyrone boys didn’t know what the fight was about but threw digs anyway. Dark arts are still alive in Tyrone.”
Tyrone GAA have yet to respond but are known to be very careful about the immersion being on and prefer players to defrost by jumping up and down doing star jumps, as well as the heads, shoulder, knees and toes children’s dance.
Following the news that beautifulpeople.com confirmed Irish males are the ugliest on the planet, the Tyrone Council have launched an ambitious bid to find at least three men in the county for breeding purposes.
Application forms were released this morning in Omagh, Dungannon and Strabane for anyone who thinks they might be half decent looking and willing to join the breeding lab in Cookstown, even Pomeroy men.
Already 55 applications have been filled in, with 54 immediately rejected. One form has yet to be processed as the applicant took a picture of the back of their head by mistake.
Council member Bridie McAteer described the breeding process:
“It’s a bit primitive like, but we have hired three rooms in Cookstown with music and all playing and women who want beautiful children can tackle one of these three lads if we find them. They’ll then receive a grant of £100 a month until the child is 16, providing the child is male and decent looking too. In time, we hope to have an extensive breeding programme by 2050.”
Applications are open until 1st March. To apply, the council needs three photos of the applicant’s face in different poses, unshaven. If selected, the breeders will be put on a strict diet of oysters and milk.
Brandon Lewis’ appointment today, who replaced Julian Smith as the NI Secretary of State, has caused much consternation in Tyrone as he clearly has a distinct Derry head on him.
In recent years, there has been a feeling in the county that Derry have been given money more readily towards infrastructure and schools and this will only increase suspicions of bias especially as the new man has a Derry head on him.
Margaret Dinny, a politics teacher from Omagh, confirmed our worst fears:
“He definitely has an oul thick Derry head on him. Those puffed red cheeks and attempt at a spiked haircut despite his advancing years is a classic south Derry look. And he’s always smirking. Bet the wee balax has a notion of his cousins too. We could be in for a tough time again in Tyrone. “
There has already been confirmation that one of Lewis’ first visits will be to Ballinderry to confirm that most of it is actually in Derry which is geographically incorrect.
There are also rumours that he may move the foot of the Sperrins out of Tyrone completely by doing some serious fracking around Greencastle in order to move the mountain range by force.
Ten days of sub-standard cabbage and bacon was reportedly the final straw for Cathal McShane after it was confirmed he will stay in Tyrone for 2020 instead of Adelaide.
Preferring the bleak and miserable setting of Leckpatrick, McShane was said to be dismayed at the presentation and texture of his favourite meal of champ, three sausages, brown sauce and a bacon and cabbage combo which he has eaten every day since he was 7.
Close friend and confidante Kieran ‘Tootsie’ Bagule revealed that this was only the tip of the iceberg:
There was no Emmerdale either or nothing. Corned beef sandwiches were also almost impossible to locate in Adelaide. And the tea was shite.
He also confirmed that McShane was asked to sing an initiation song at his first training session. The fact that no one knew who Garth Brooks was after he belted out ‘Friends In Low Places’ confirmed his decision to leave.
Rumours that his Adelaide Crows teammates complained of having to wear sunglasses during meetings, due to his bright white skin colour, were said to be exaggerated.
Man Who Was Fined For Being On Phone Whilst Riding Donkey Maintains He Was Passenger. Donkey MOTs Delayed.
A Benburb farmer has appealed his £30 fine for riding a donkey while phoning his girlfriend on a backroad near the Moy after he claimed that he was not in charge of the beast but simply a passenger.
George Wallace (33) admitted he was on his phone to his girlfriend whilst sitting on the donkey’s back on his way to an illegal greyhound meeting when he was caught by three PSNI officers who were also on their way to the meeting.
However, Wallace argued that he did not set out on the journey with the donkey and only just embarked it halfway up the road, as you would a taxi.
There’s no way I was in control of that donkey. I just pointed it in the way of the Moy and sat back and relaxed. And I phoned the woman to remind her to turn the immersion off. I’ve never heard of a taxi passenger getting done for being on a phone.”
Meanwhile, donkey MOTs are to begin in March 2020 after the lifts which raises donkeys up were found to be suitable for left-handed donkeys only.
Three donkeys were turned away from the Cookstown MOT depot yesterday on a trial run for dunging in the centre.
A Cookstown boiler servicer has been refused a refund after purchasing over 200 items at a charity auction in Cookstown last weekend.
Patsy Sheehey, who had been at a 40th birthday party until 6am that morning, admitted that although he may have still been intoxicated the morning of the auction, it was the tremors that resulted in him bidding for over 200 items consecutively.
Sheehey returned home with a car full of useless household goods including a freshwater pearl, five broken grandfather clocks, an octopus mermaid ornament, a lobster in tangled lights ornament, a squirrel in underpants ornament, a toilet plunger ornament, a pirate girl pink flamingo ornament and a replica of Steven Hawking’s chair.
“It’s a disaster. I only went to see what an auction was like. I didn’t expect to spend £50’000 and come home with three cracked Belleek Crystal Bells amongst other stuff. It was just the jitters after the drinking session that had me bidding and I didn’t even know it.”
The charity has requested that Sheehey pays up in full by the end of the month, with the money going towards a much needed shelter for lonely and depressed donkeys in the greater East Tyrone area.
Meanwhile, a snowman was built on Tuesday morning at 5am outside Lissan.
After a recent survey confirmed that housewives were turning away from reading the Irish News in favour of Loose Women on TV and Stephen Nolan on the wireless, the newspaper giant have reportedly offered former columnist Paddy Heaney a blank cheque to write again in order to regain lost female readership.
Middle-aged Heaney, who took time off from the writing in a bid to become World’s Strongest Man before becoming embroiled in a multi-million dollar lawsuit with several bread-making establishments after he told people to stop eating bread, was pictured today in a deliberately provocative pose in the Irish News.
An Irish News insider added:
“Yes it’s all true. Heaney is back and, going by the swooning in the queue outside the Spar in Draperstown this morning, so are the women. It just made total sense. The fact that he’s now all toned up after a few years of pumping iron makes him an even more attractive product.
Tensions in the Irish News sports department were said to be palpable, with rival journalists Archer, Crossan and O’Kane all spotted wearing gym gear over the weekend, and the latter having reportedly spent over £12 on hair products in Boots yesterday in Antrim town after the game in Glenavy.
In addition to a series of new easy-to-understand rules already being implemented for the start of the league, the GAA authorities have managed to slip in a plethora of surprise changes which should ‘spice up the game’, according to Playing Rules Committee PR Tam O’Rourke.
One of the most controversial changes is the rule that “if you catch the ball left-handed between the midfield and the 45m of the opposition’s half, and land on both feet simultaneously or within 0.05 seconds of each other, facing away from your own goals, whilst raising three fingers on your right hand, you will be awarded a free kick from a 45 degree angle to your nearest opponent as long as that opponent is also either airborne or looking towards the sky with both eyes, and that the ball was kicked towards the recipient with conviction”.
“This should re-ignite out love for the the lost art of one-handed catches and stop Ulster players passing the ball around and keeping it and all. In terms of kicking the ball with conviction, a look into the eyes of the kicker of the ball, as he kicks it, should be enough to ascertain his intentions. It’s spicy. It’ll spice it up.”
Additionally, anyone sin-binned can only speak in Irish to team mates whilst in the bin. For the first time in high level sports, a bin will actually be used for black card recipients with rumours that it’ll be a green recycling one to help the environment.
Another rule which should be easily implemented is that only players under 15 stone are allowed to take sideline kicks.
Already, seven inter-county referees have begun seeking counselling even before a ball has been kicked.
As hundreds of Derrylaughan residents woke to the fact that they’re now Derry people, Irish News readers have contacted authorities in their droves to provide evidence that the media are in cohoots with Derry.
A blueprint for the Derry invasion of Tyrone was uncovered in a graveyard in Lissan, with Cookstown next to be annexed before Easter. However, The Irish News have been accused of simply relocating Tyrone townlands into Derry through their articles, unashamedly.
Derrylaughan stalwart Packie Kennedy admitted it was hard waking up a Derry man this morning:
“It was a bit of a shock to read in the paper yesterday that we are now in Derry. Though, to be honest, I found myself half fancying my cousins at Mass this morning so it must be true. Up the Oak Leaf.”
Cookstown have already brought in reinforcements with several Kildress and Greencastle men manning the main road up to Magherafelt. Rumours tonight suggest that Ardboe and Moortown have already fallen and it’s only a matter of time until Coalisland is under attack. Coalisland officials have postponed the rolling out of their one-way system until this is sorted.
Meanwhile, a Aghyaran woman walked three miles yesterday to the shops and her plastic bag split coming home, losing a pint of milk and three Freddos.
MLAs from all parties have been hit with serious stomach cramps after tea was made yesterday in the staff kitchen using milk from January 2017.
Angry exchanges were allegedly heard outside the MLA kitchen with one high-profile DUP politician accused of making the milk turn sour by looking at it too long. A Sinn Fein MLA was also blamed for using milk produced by republican cows which has a history of causing explosive side effects according to food engineers at Queen’s University.
Kitchen porter Jeremy Carson admitted it was simply a case of the fridge not being emptied since the Assembly folded three years ago:
“I’m just glad no one ate the platter of tuna sandwiches which were still there since then. They’d have ended up with severely flushed skin, headaches, itchiness, blurred vision, abdominal cramps, diarrhea and possible death. An SDLP woman did tackle a Snickers which was in there too but seems to have been lucky with that one.”
Meanwhile, funding has been requested by the Washingbay Society for the construction of an eel aquarium beside the Derrylaughan football field. The aquarium proposes to showcase over 4000 different types of eels from excited brownish eels to grumpy grey ones. The proposal suggests a worldwide audience for the idea, with a live Webcam for people to watch eels at any time of the day, anywhere in the world.
It has emerged that the Department for Infrastructure (DfI) have already received three claims for pothole damage to cars from the new proposed Scotland to Ireland bridge, despite the fact the bridge will probably never be built.
It was confirmed that two of the claims came from Dungannon residents with the other coming from a single mother near Coleraine. A fourth claim was immediately dismissed as it detailed damage from hedges and overhanging branches, despite the supposed bridge being situated in mid-air over the North Channel.
DfI spokesperson John ‘Beefy’ McCoy has asked motorists to be careful with speed before setting out on the mythical bridge:
“We’re thinking of setting maybe a 60mph speed limit on the bridge if it’s ever built, reduced to 30mph around build-up areas. My message is, take it easy.”
Meanwhile, the Parades Commission have also received over 25 applications from various organisations who want to become the first to march down the new bridge which is unlikely to be built. As well as the Orange and Hibernian Orders, other proposals were received from The Society of United Pig Farmers and The Cookstown Sausage Secret Society.
The Moygashel Triangle Band are favourites to become the first band to play on the bridge.
An Augher librarian is said to be in a stable condition having been attacked with large bars of Toblerone by his wife after putting empty wrappers back into the Quality Street tin despite repeated warnings.
Conor De Burgh (44) was beaten by four different types of Toblerone bars over a period of three minutes. The assault was so serious that all four bars were said to be inedible unless melted for some kind of dessert.
Mrs De Burgh (61) admitted to the attack but claimed she’d do it again in a heartbeat:
“I’ve warned him for years. And this Christmas I gave nine specific warnings over the course of three days. But he still kept putting empty wrappers back in. He even put wrappers from a Cadbury’s Heroes tin into the Nestle Quality Street one. He’s a monster.”
Police have decided not to arrest Mrs De Burgh and have suggested that her husband attends a course on chocolate eating etiquette. Constable John Morton added that ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t more severe by using two Toblerones at once’.
Meanwhile, a rise in donkeys for presents has seen a marked increase in donkey excrement on the streets of Clogher and Augher. Local community groups have called on all donkey owners to carry around bin liners.
The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.
St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.
The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.
In a press release today, the bishop explained:
“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”
A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.
Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.
After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now.
The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.
Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:
“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”
Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.
Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.
Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning.
Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.
Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.
A Sinn Fein spokeman added:
This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”
This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.
Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.
Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.
In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:
- Get a bucket of steam
- Get tartan paint
- Get a skirting board ladder
- Get a long stand or long weight
- Get ice making solutions
- Get a bag of sparks for the welder
- Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
- Get a glass hammer
- Get a left handed screwdriver
- Get a bubble for a spirit level
- Get a sky hook
- Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
- Get new beeps for the security gates
- Get a short circuit
- Get some earth faults
- Get a cordless extension
- Get some virtual memory
- Get a leg of liver
- Get some elbow grease
- Get some cheap brazen tarts
- Get a saddle for a disc jockey
- Get some legs of salmon
- Get some compressed air
- Buy some IP addresses
- Get a lb of turkey lips
- Get a bucket of daylight
Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.