Author Archives: Gombeen
In addition to a series of new easy-to-understand rules already being implemented for the start of the league, the GAA authorities have managed to slip in a plethora of surprise changes which should ‘spice up the game’, according to Playing Rules Committee PR Tam O’Rourke.
One of the most controversial changes is the rule that “if you catch the ball left-handed between the midfield and the 45m of the opposition’s half, and land on both feet simultaneously or within 0.05 seconds of each other, facing away from your own goals, whilst raising three fingers on your right hand, you will be awarded a free kick from a 45 degree angle to your nearest opponent as long as that opponent is also either airborne or looking towards the sky with both eyes, and that the ball was kicked towards the recipient with conviction”.
“This should re-ignite out love for the the lost art of one-handed catches and stop Ulster players passing the ball around and keeping it and all. In terms of kicking the ball with conviction, a look into the eyes of the kicker of the ball, as he kicks it, should be enough to ascertain his intentions. It’s spicy. It’ll spice it up.”
Additionally, anyone sin-binned can only speak in Irish to team mates whilst in the bin. For the first time in high level sports, a bin will actually be used for black card recipients with rumours that it’ll be a green recycling one to help the environment.
Another rule which should be easily implemented is that only players under 15 stone are allowed to take sideline kicks.
Already, seven inter-county referees have begun seeking counselling even before a ball has been kicked.
As hundreds of Derrylaughan residents woke to the fact that they’re now Derry people, Irish News readers have contacted authorities in their droves to provide evidence that the media are in cohoots with Derry.
A blueprint for the Derry invasion of Tyrone was uncovered in a graveyard in Lissan, with Cookstown next to be annexed before Easter. However, The Irish News have been accused of simply relocating Tyrone townlands into Derry through their articles, unashamedly.
Derrylaughan stalwart Packie Kennedy admitted it was hard waking up a Derry man this morning:
“It was a bit of a shock to read in the paper yesterday that we are now in Derry. Though, to be honest, I found myself half fancying my cousins at Mass this morning so it must be true. Up the Oak Leaf.”
Cookstown have already brought in reinforcements with several Kildress and Greencastle men manning the main road up to Magherafelt. Rumours tonight suggest that Ardboe and Moortown have already fallen and it’s only a matter of time until Coalisland is under attack. Coalisland officials have postponed the rolling out of their one-way system until this is sorted.
Meanwhile, a Aghyaran woman walked three miles yesterday to the shops and her plastic bag split coming home, losing a pint of milk and three Freddos.
MLAs from all parties have been hit with serious stomach cramps after tea was made yesterday in the staff kitchen using milk from January 2017.
Angry exchanges were allegedly heard outside the MLA kitchen with one high-profile DUP politician accused of making the milk turn sour by looking at it too long. A Sinn Fein MLA was also blamed for using milk produced by republican cows which has a history of causing explosive side effects according to food engineers at Queen’s University.
Kitchen porter Jeremy Carson admitted it was simply a case of the fridge not being emptied since the Assembly folded three years ago:
“I’m just glad no one ate the platter of tuna sandwiches which were still there since then. They’d have ended up with severely flushed skin, headaches, itchiness, blurred vision, abdominal cramps, diarrhea and possible death. An SDLP woman did tackle a Snickers which was in there too but seems to have been lucky with that one.”
Meanwhile, funding has been requested by the Washingbay Society for the construction of an eel aquarium beside the Derrylaughan football field. The aquarium proposes to showcase over 4000 different types of eels from excited brownish eels to grumpy grey ones. The proposal suggests a worldwide audience for the idea, with a live Webcam for people to watch eels at any time of the day, anywhere in the world.
It has emerged that the Department for Infrastructure (DfI) have already received three claims for pothole damage to cars from the new proposed Scotland to Ireland bridge, despite the fact the bridge will probably never be built.
It was confirmed that two of the claims came from Dungannon residents with the other coming from a single mother near Coleraine. A fourth claim was immediately dismissed as it detailed damage from hedges and overhanging branches, despite the supposed bridge being situated in mid-air over the North Channel.
DfI spokesperson John ‘Beefy’ McCoy has asked motorists to be careful with speed before setting out on the mythical bridge:
“We’re thinking of setting maybe a 60mph speed limit on the bridge if it’s ever built, reduced to 30mph around build-up areas. My message is, take it easy.”
Meanwhile, the Parades Commission have also received over 25 applications from various organisations who want to become the first to march down the new bridge which is unlikely to be built. As well as the Orange and Hibernian Orders, other proposals were received from The Society of United Pig Farmers and The Cookstown Sausage Secret Society.
The Moygashel Triangle Band are favourites to become the first band to play on the bridge.
An Augher librarian is said to be in a stable condition having been attacked with large bars of Toblerone by his wife after putting empty wrappers back into the Quality Street tin despite repeated warnings.
Conor De Burgh (44) was beaten by four different types of Toblerone bars over a period of three minutes. The assault was so serious that all four bars were said to be inedible unless melted for some kind of dessert.
Mrs De Burgh (61) admitted to the attack but claimed she’d do it again in a heartbeat:
“I’ve warned him for years. And this Christmas I gave nine specific warnings over the course of three days. But he still kept putting empty wrappers back in. He even put wrappers from a Cadbury’s Heroes tin into the Nestle Quality Street one. He’s a monster.”
Police have decided not to arrest Mrs De Burgh and have suggested that her husband attends a course on chocolate eating etiquette. Constable John Morton added that ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t more severe by using two Toblerones at once’.
Meanwhile, a rise in donkeys for presents has seen a marked increase in donkey excrement on the streets of Clogher and Augher. Local community groups have called on all donkey owners to carry around bin liners.
The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.
St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.
The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.
In a press release today, the bishop explained:
“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”
A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.
Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.
After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now.
The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.
Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:
“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”
Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.
Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.
Despite comfortably holding his seat in Mid Ulster again today, Sinn Fein’s Francie Molloy had to stand all day after someone in a JCB stole his seat from his offices in Gulladuff at around 5am this morning.
Molloy, who turns 69 next week, was said to be ‘a bit sore’ after refusing to sit until his chair is returned.
Witnesses in the area claim to have spotted an man in his 70s driving a digger around the area for three hours after the election vote closed, singing hymns and psalms to a high standard.
A Sinn Fein spokeman added:
This is petty. Francie has had that seat for years and it is well worn in the shape of himself. To steal his seat on the day he retained his seat is spiteful. All Francie wants to do is sit down on the seat and get to work.”
This is the fourth attempt and first successful mission to steal Molloy’s seat. All three previous attempts were foiled when the assailant’s version of ‘How Great Thou Art’ from a moving digger alerted the police.
Sinn Fein have offered a reward for any information on the theft up to the value of £25m in notes.
Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Practical jokes carried out on new workers will be categorised as emotional abuse under fresh terms and conditions set out by the employment watchdog WORKFLAKE.
In a comprehensive list of examples, on the spot £60 fines will be enforced if any apprentices are asked to do the following tasks:
- Get a bucket of steam
- Get tartan paint
- Get a skirting board ladder
- Get a long stand or long weight
- Get ice making solutions
- Get a bag of sparks for the welder
- Get 6 ft of fallopian tubing
- Get a glass hammer
- Get a left handed screwdriver
- Get a bubble for a spirit level
- Get a sky hook
- Get bags for a Dyson Hoover
- Get new beeps for the security gates
- Get a short circuit
- Get some earth faults
- Get a cordless extension
- Get some virtual memory
- Get a leg of liver
- Get some elbow grease
- Get some cheap brazen tarts
- Get a saddle for a disc jockey
- Get some legs of salmon
- Get some compressed air
- Buy some IP addresses
- Get a lb of turkey lips
- Get a bucket of daylight
Although the last person to fall for one of these tricks was in 1998, workplaces have been asked to tighten up on such matters.
A Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed.
9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.
Patsy McGoldrick added:
“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”
It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself.
Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.
PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.
An 8-year old Moortown school girl has been controversially suspended from school for three days after she lifted cow dung from a neighbouring field and flung it at a besotted classmate during lunch time.
The P5 lad, who had asked the girl to marry him during an underwhelming maths lesson earlier in the day, had to take the following day off school due to some of the stuff still being stuck in his ear.
His mother, the 1988 Moortown Levi Jeans Rear of the Year champion Marie Quinn, maintains the girl acted a bit aggressively to her son’s innocent enough request:
“Put it like this: She didn’t learn about throwing dung from the back a of crisp packet so she didn’t. My young lad is humiliated and heartbroken all at the same time. He just thought she was maybe a good catch in 20 year’s time as her family have a rake of houses with good road frontage.”
Although the school have refused to comment on the actual incident, they did issue a statement condemning the practice of throwing dung and confirmed there have been no cases of this at the school withing the last 24 months.
In other news, eels have been seen swimming on their backs up near Toome. Scientists have asked people not to worry and that it’s probably just a few ones larking about.
In a controversial move, the Tyrone Council are to start charging farmers for rain tax from January 1st 2020, irrespective of what they are farming.
Due to budgetary concerns, the county’s officials have attempted to stem the financial tide by charging farmers for any form of precipitation including drizzle and soft hail.
Any farmers resisting payment of the rain tax will be subjected to the full force of the law according to the council’s meteorological minister Pat Spaniel:
Why should these farmers be allowed to sit back and rub their hands when it rains? All they’re thinking about is the size of their tomatoes or strawberries whilst the rest of us run for cover or get our death from the wet. And this is a warning – we’re looking at a sun tax for the hay farmers.”
How the tax will be charged has yet to be confirmed though it is believed that farmers will be charged £50 for every half hour that it rains.
Meanwhile, the Christmas Lights will be turned on in Galbally this weekend. Guest of honour will be one of the Kardashians who are well known for their love of the Galballian culture and people. Kanye West has confirmed he’ll do the bingo in the hall on the same night and will sing if asked.
Players up and down the county have signed up to Irish dancing classes after it emerged that all drawn games next year will be settled by Irish dancing between 5 players on each side.
After repeated criticisms over the penalty shoot-out debacle which saw Tyrone’s Fermanagh side, Trillick, lose their place in the Ulster Championship, the Tyrone County Board have decided to have a dance-off which they claim adheres to the GAA’s ethos of promotion of Irish culture.
PRO Danny McRichard explained:
“Aye it’s true. Teams can decide to do either solo dancing or group dancing like the Walls of Limerick. We expect to see 10 men dancing in some form at the same time, all over the park.”
The best dancing team will be adjudicated by a panel of expert Irish Dancing teachers from neighbouring counties.
Already, players such as Niall Sludden, Petey Harte and Colm Cavanagh have already been spotted dancing up at Garvaghey under floodlights. Coalisland’s Hamspey requested he do hip-hop but it was denied.
Meanwhile, Omagh is currently under water. Anyone with fins has been asked to come to the town hall for instructions as to how to bring rations to old people in the area.
A Cookstown joiner admitted he just forgot himself after he got the lining kicked out of him beside the bread section in the Spar in Cookstown for whistling the Wham! classic ‘Last Christmas’ despite it being early November.
Patsy Sheehy, a 45 year old father of 3 and a turtle, maintains he isn’t really a Christmas person and didn’t know why the song came into his head, possibly because he heard another Wham! number on U105 earlier that day.
“All I can remember is whistling and then I was being hit viciously around the bake with a baguette. And it wasn’t a soft freshly baked one. It was one of them hard ones.”
Sheehy admitted he may have been whistling Last Christmas as it was ‘a great ditty’ and he liked George Michael’s vocal range.
A PSNI official confirmed they had arrested a 92-year-old woman from the town who had a previous conviction for burning a Christmas tree which was unveiled in the town in November 1984.
In other news, the road between Donaghmore and Cookstown has been closed due to a loose cat which has been terrorising motorists.
The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’.
Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:
“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”
The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.
Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.
Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.
A multi-million pound remake of the 1982 hit ‘E.T. The Extra Terrestrial’ will not now be filmed at the foot of the Sperrins due to poor mobile phone coverage.
Steven Spielberg, who has always been a big fan of Greencastle GAA club and once considered making a film about their All Ireland win years ago, is said to be devastated at the decision but admitted E.T. phoning home was crucial to the plot again this time.
Script writer Marie McBurn revealed the difficulties around the poor signal couldn’t be overcome:
“It was just stupid. We tried a few scenes and you’d have E.T. shouting ‘can you hear me now?’ down the phone and moving all over the place to get a signal. It totally ruined the believably of it all.”
The news comes as a big blow to the Greencastle area. Early estimates reckoned the windfall from tourism could have topped over £100m which they had planned to spent on an enormous Christmas tree with massive balls and long lines of tinsel.
In other news, a boy walked the whole half a mile to school last week in Killyman. He became the first child to walk to school since 1998.
Five Carrickmore labourers have sent London a contract detailing their plans to build a cheap but effective border down the Irish Sea, after Boris Johnson’s announcement today.
The plans, which they reckon will be completed soon after Christmas or at least early in the New Year, details how they’ll work weekends and all and use bricks suitable for wet conditions with large gates for boats to go through, having tested them in Lough Neagh yesterday.
Gus Gormley (44) added:
“We are some of the hardest working brickies in the world. Last week, we build a wall 500 yards long and 1 metre high in five days and that included 3 tea breaks before 11am every morning. We’re deadly. We’ll build that border in at least 12 weeks no bother and have a bit of craic in the Isle of Man.”
London have yet to reply to the email but it has been said they face stiff competition for the job from a group of brickies in Aghyaran.
Meanwhile, 45 birds were spotted flying like mad around Stewartstown today, some of them squawking like idiots. Experts maintain it’s nothing to worry about.
NI Consumer Magazine have revealed that a corned beef sandwich, the once-staple diet of Tyronians in the 1980s, has not been consumed in the county since a builder ate one on a site in Pomeroy in 2017.
Additionally, the startling news has been compounded by the fact that Irn Bru is rarely used now to down any manner of sandwich in schools or workplaces, with water or organic coffee replacing the soft drink.
Patricia McDonagh (60) from the Rock, who once prayed for 3 hours non stop in 1983, is adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwiches has led to social disorder:
“I’m adamant that the fall of the corned beef sandwich has led to social disorder. So it has”
The magazine have hinted that Tyrone ones going to Belfast to work and being slagged by locals for eating corned beef sandwiches has led to its demise as a daily item on the kitchen menu.
Meanwhile, a cafe in Ardboe was burned to the ground at the weekend by locals for offering salads as a dinner as an alternative for eel suppers and steak dishes.
Owners Packie and Mary McQuinn admitted they made a grave error with their menu choice and have vowed to rebuild as an eel-only restaurant.
An Urney accountant has enrolled in Stabilised Breathing Classes at the Strabane Marital Strife Centre after his wife told him that if he doesn’t stop breathing like that she’s off.
Pat O’Connell, who admits he breathes heavy after a few beers or if he has put on a lock of pounds, sounded a warning to all Tyrone men that women in the county are currently uprising against heavy breathing not just at night but even when sitting watching TV:
I didn’t know I was whistling through my nose at all til she pointed it out. Apparently I ruined a complete episode of Emerdale Farm on Thursday by breathing the whole way through it. We watched Grand Designs after it and I held my breath for 20 minutes.”
Churches throughout the county are looking into ‘Whistling Rooms’ where men with nasal complications can sit in free from dirty looks and ridicule.
In other news, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be a bit ‘cuter’ next year after they were drawn with Donegal. In a post-Brexit environment, customs have promised to check sandwiches and tea for signs of smugglement, especially regarding Tayto and corned beef which the Republic are said to possess superior versions of.