Author Archives: Gombeen

New Record For Strabane As Man Takes Three Hours To Find End Of Selloptape

Strabane have made the news once again after a 54-year-old mathematics teacher spent just over three hours trying to find the end of a Selloptape, missing an entire film he had been looking forward to in the process.

Johnny McIlhennon, who broke the record set by a Columbian trader in 1988, almost gave up after two hours of searching for the end, flinging the tape at a wall and calling it a ‘hateful b**tard’ and a ‘sticky oul tramp’.

His wife, Mary (68), phoned the Guinness World Record crowd for verification:

“Yes, they said it’s a record. This is the second time he has made that book, after breaking the record for trying to find the end of a bin liner for 85 minutes. The only disappointing thing is that he missed Rocky I which he had been looking forward to for ages. Not sure if it will ever be on again.”

McIlhennon’s frustration was furthered after he was unable to tape the window back up with the Selloptape after he’d smashed it trying to open it with a crowbar.

In other news, a wind farm owner in Claudy said it was his best weekend ever.

Leaked Paper Confirms GAA Have Offered Weekend In Bundoran For Ref Giving Most Red Cards In 2022

A letter, which was left in a photocopier in an office in Croke Park, has been circulated to various media outlets confirming that the GAA have offered the referee who gives the most red cards in 2022 a free weekend in Bundoran with unlimited playing chips at the slot machines.

At the start of the season, it has been mooted that authorities were worried that referees were neglecting sending off players in favour of black and red cards in recent years but were also reticent about directly ordering refs to red card all offences that look a bit rough.

The carrot of a free weekend in Bundoran at the height of the summer has already reaped early results with players seeing the line on a regular basis, including for ‘looking aggressively’ at officials, opposition players, and teammates. Recently, a high-profile manager was sent off for drinking a water bottle in a manner that could be interpreted as menacing.

David Gough, despite being a front-runner for the prize, could have sown up the holiday by justifiably sending off 18 players on Sunday in Armagh, according to a fellow referee who wished to remain anonymous:

“I couldn’t believe Gough chickened out. Had that been me, at least 12 Tyrone players and half a dozen Armagh ones would have been getting the early shower. He’ll never get a better chance.”

Windmill GAC Asked By FIFA To Compete In South American World Cup Qualifiers To Put Manners On Locals

Famed east Tyrone side Windmill GAC, who have never stopped training since their demise 30 years ago ‘just in case‘, has finally received a request to assemble the troops and embark on a 9000-mile journey to South America to play Paraguay, Uruguay and Bolivia in a 4-team tournament before the 2022 World Cup.

The call from international soccer body FIFA comes after a rash of red cards in a series of matches over the weekend in the qualifying tournament for the 2022 World Cup. VAR analysis has confirmed that most cases involved overacting from innocuous challenges, something which has angered soccer authorities on the Latin American continent.

FIFA spokesperson Audi Hammyton explained:

“We’ve had the Windmill on speed dial since they sorted out the West German side of 1982 after that tackle on the French boy. This is slightly different. We want the modern footallers down here given something to be genuinely rolling about the grass for. We’ll tell the refs that cards are only to be issued for breaks or heavy bleeding, and even at that used sparingly.”

WIndmill have already begun a short training programme in preparation for the first match against Uruguay on St Patrick’s Day. Spanish classes have been well attended, with the ‘slagging lessons’ at full capacity.

The Tyrone County Board has reassured Junior clubs in the county that Windmill have not applied to compete locally, yet.

Archive Photo Confirms Camel Racing Popular At Washingbay Sports In 1930s

Washingbay Sports, 1932

A 90-year-old photo which was found in the attic of a house near Brocagh last week has confirmed long-standing suspicions that camel-racing was a major pastime in east Tyrone in the early part of last century and was even competed for by Dubai and Saudi Arabian jockeys during the world-famous Washingbay Sports.

Experts have long suspected that potholes in the general area are a legacy issue from years of camels tramping the pathways and loanans to train before the sports day. Additionally, it may also explain the persistent rumours that every year half a dozen local women ran off to Saudi Arabia on the back of a camel to pursue studies in oil refineries and palace-building.

Local historian Imelda Cassidy (89) was delighted at the finding:

“This photo confirms what I saw with my own eyes as a child. There were loads of camels dandering about whilst the tug-of-war and egg and spoon race was on. At that age, we just thought they were native to east Tyrone. It wasn’t the only humping that went on that those sports but sure that’s for another day.”

Plans to reintroduce camels to the area have been strongly opposed by locals who fear an overwhelming rise in potholes would make all modes of transport redundant for at least 50 years.

Tyrone Men Urged To Keep Wearing Masks Til 2025

A survey by Tyrone Country Life magazine has found that over 80% of women in the region have recommended to their partners that they should continue to wear masks ‘for the foreseeable future’, with some hoping to see them used until 2025 at least.

Although society is bracing itself for a reduced need for mask-wearing as the year progresses, many men in the county will be asked by partners to continue to wear masks around the house, or when going out for a family meal.

One survey participant from Caledon pulled no punches as to why this may be the case:

“To be honest, it has made my life a lot more palatable not having to look at his twisted bake every living minute he’s about. Even at social functions, I can tolerate him being associated with me if he’s mostly covered up. Many previously unsuccessful men would get a curt at the dance hall if they kept the mask on. It’s in their interest.”

Surprisingly, many men in the same poll also suggested wearing it for a couple more years, mostly due to the fact that they can curse repeatedly under their breath without being caught, mostly at close family members.

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals.

Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the community. Unfortunately, Coyle sparked a major security incident after shouting ‘blow her up, ref‘ whilst watching the Tyrone-Armagh McKenna Cup game on Saturday. Mediation was quickly reached, with Coyle warned about future behaviour.

‘Bulldog’ is confident that this could be a long-term residency:

“I’d be lying if I said that me going to Downing Street went down well in my home town. Within two hours of announcing it to my mates down the Lineside, someone daubed ‘get out til f**k‘ on my gable wall. And that was my own uncle. But money is money and those hoors love the beer over there.”

Coyle also revealed that he may sell under-the-counter stuff too if the demand is there.

The DUP has already hinted at their intention to picket the shop if they don’t stock minerals and crisps for the teetotallers.

Johnson Attended Behind-Closed-Doors 2020 All Ireland Final. Thought It Was Business Meeting.

Johnson in the Hogan, 2020.

A photo has emerged showing the British Prime Minister Boris Johnson attending the 2020 All Ireland Final between Mayo and Dublin which was played before zero spectators due to restrictions at the time.

Johnson, who admitted to modeling his look on a 1984 picture of Plunkett Donaghy he saw in his aunt’s house in Eglish, watched the entire game last December before heading to Coppers nightclub, which was also officially closed at the time, to get wasted on Bulmers.

A Croke Park steward, who wished not to be named, explained how Johnson didn’t really pay attention after Con O’Callaghan’s goal in the 23rd minute of the final. Brendan Joyce added:

“Yeah, he wasn’t really paying attention and just kept playing Candy Crush and stuff on his phone, raising his head now and again to shout ‘hurrah’. I think he just likes breaking rules, like.”

Johnson was kicked out of Coppers at 3am after a brawl despite being the only punter in the place.

A Downing Street spokesperson defended the British PM:

“What? The All Ireland Final? He thought it was some kind of Anglo-Irish meeting about Brexit. This is news to him.”

Johnson was unavailable for comment.

Twitter Outrage As Omagh Man Claims To Prefer Pears Over Apples

An Omagh welder has been forced to delete his Twitter account and go underground after claiming he liked pears more than apples during a drunken rant on the social media platform.

@teddytheterror (Ted Quinn) who has tweeted a total of 14 times since 2015 and is followed by 3 others, enraged millions with his controversial tweet at 11.26pm on Saturday 8th January.

Twitterati responded furiously to his tweet with many claiming he needed to ‘do some research‘ and others surmising that he must ‘hate‘ apples. He was also told to ‘educate himself‘, with several others maintaining that they were blocking him with immediate effect after reporting him to authorities for hate crimes.

Omagh District Council has moved quickly to distance themselves from Quinn’s statement and have urged people to not judge the whole town on one inebriated man’s moment of madness.

Quinn has since moved to another social media platform ‘GETTR’ where he claims he’ll speak his mind on many things such as vegetables and the English.

Tyrone/Armagh McKenna Cup Game To Be Played In Ulster-Scots

To celebrate the International Year of Languages, the Ulster Council has instructed both Armagh and Tyrone county boards that players on both sides must speak in Ulster-Scots throughout the game next week or they’ll be thrown out of next year’s competition and replaced with Rathlin and Coney Island.

Already, Armagh manager Kieran McGeeney has set up three workshops this weekend for his charges, in which phrases such as ‘thon’s a wile footerin yer doing wi thon ball ye hallion’ and ‘thon day wid founder ye’ will be taught to the Orchard men.

Although the Tyrone squad are currently holidaying in America, Fergal Logan made all his players converse in Ulster-Scots whilst riding on a helter-skelter during a funfair visit in Orlando. According to sources, Ronan McNamee was overheard saying to a barman afterwards, ‘I’ve a quare drooth on me, forbye foundered in these half-troosers‘.

McGeeney and Logan have asked the Ulster-Scots Association for translations of certain phrases particular to their county such as ‘red diesel’, ‘diffing’ ‘and ‘off-licence’. A rep from the society will attend training sessions next week to help.

Elderly Shoppers Told To Stop Tutting and Shaking Heads At Bottle Bank Users

Coalisland, earlier today

Shops across the county have urged shoppers, particularly the over 65s, to stop making the walk of shame to the bottle bank even worse by tutting at users and saying things like ‘will you look at that?

Footfall at glass recycling outlets at shopping centres has fallen in the last two days despite bins behind houses overflowing with bottles of beer, wine, and Shloer. Already there have been fisticuffs at three venues in east Tyrone between the recyclers and onlookers. One fight in Killyman was sparked when a female shopper shook her head at a woman with over 200 bottles in seven bin-liners, to which the recycler replied, ‘what ye looking at ye tramp?’

Both women, in their 60s, had to be separated by a trolley man.

Major retailers are now contemplating softening the walk of shame by using a brick tunnel with an igloo-style house at the end of it to store the recycling skips.

Meanwhile, an online row over whether it was called St Stephen’s Day or Boxing Day between two MLAs was resolved when one of their batteries ran out.

TOP 5 TYRONE GAA MOMENTS OF 2021

  1. McGeary says ‘f**k’ on BBC – At long last the Tyrone vernacular was aired on mainstream TV during prime time. This should have been printed on the t-shirts instead of that other quote after the Kerry game.


2. Conn Kilpatrick slowly removes ripped top – women up and down the country swooned as the Edendork man peeled off the torn top in a well-rehearsed move. McCurry tried it two minutes later but the cameras were still on Kilpatrick.


3. Cathal McShane makes singing debut on lorry in Coalisland – forget about the Adele special on the TV recently. McShane belting out numbers on the back of a lorry was something very few in the crowd will be able to forget.


4. Peter Canavan’s granddaughter having more hair – it was a special image when Peter Harte posed for a picture with his daughter and father-in-law. Peter looked like a big baby instead.


5. Mattie Donnelly allowing Beggan to dispossess him from behind on his own 20m line – a fantastic yet wily gesture from the Trillick legend. Monaghan, not used to generosity from the Red Hands, never recovered from that moment.

Boris Just Wanted To Watch The Sunday Game, Claims Aide

As Boris Johnson comes under more pressure following pictures of him eating cheese and drinking Buckfast during the summer, a close aide of the English Prime Minister has jumped to his defence, claiming he just needed his fix of The Sunday Game, which includes watching repeats from previous years.

Johnson, who reportedly based his look on a picture he saw of Plunkett Donaghy in 1984, is an avid GAA fan and subscribes to the Killyclogher GAC lotto on a regular basis.

Jessie Pope explained:

“He kept going on about the final between Kerry and Dublin he’d watched recently on GAA Gold so to shut him up we got the game up on a big screen and gave him a lump of cheese and two large bottles of Buckfast. He lost all awareness of social distancing and all when he saw Michael Darragh MacAuley rampaging down the wing. He loves him.”

Johnson wanted to attend the All Ireland Final this year but opted out of doing so for fear of watching Tyrone win another one. Pope confirmed that Johnson hates the Red Hand County after he was ditched by a girl from Caledon at Glastonbury in 1982 when she said she was going to the bogs but never came back and headed off with a cousin from Magherafelt instead.

Downing Street Party Ruined By Bodhrán Player Anyway, Says Insider

One of the partygoers at the Downing Street party last Christmas has admitted that the party turned sour early on anyway after a bodhrán player broke into a solo version of the Boston Hornpipe.

The illegal party, which threatens to see multiple resignations in the coming days, was said to be going well after Michael Gove gave a rousing rendition of Dirty Old Town and Matt Hancock pelted out Grace to floods of tears.

The bodhrán player, said to have been Jeremy Hunt, misjudged the mood and broke into a solo hornpipe which lasted 6 minutes, by which time several revellers had left and headed to Boris Johnson’s flat for after-drinks.

Our source, who looked like Dominic Raab, added:

“I thought the accordian player was a mood-killer but the bodhrán, frig me, I couldn’t get out quick enough. I’m sure it’s nice sometimes, but not at a secret party.”

Hunt, who picked up a bodhrán at the airport in Dublin in 2017, has yet to be invited to a party since, including a Pogues tribute night in Windsor Castle last month.

Irish Bouncers Asked To ‘Go Nuclear’ On Children Trying To Enter Pantomimes

Bouncers up and down the country are currently being re-trained to brutally deal with persistent children who may attempt to gain entry to pantomimes during the festive season, including smelling young-looking people’s breath for Farley’s Rusks, turfing them into the air, roundhouse kicks and checking for nappies.

Following the news that the Irish Health Minister has recommended that children should not attend their favourite pantos this year, bouncers have been told to ‘full metal jacket’ on any children trying to access theatres, with police on hand to confiscate Haribos and Fruit Shoots as an initial deterrent.

In a trial run near Navan, seven 4 to 6-year-olds were unceremoniously booted out onto the road after trying to gain access dressed as dwarves for the Snow White matinee.

Witness Kathy Hearn explained:

“It was like something out of a horror show. There were children flying through the air like fireworks. To make it worse, the parents were laughing their heads off and giving their own children the fingers as they went on ahead in. It’s a broken society.”

The Goldilocks and the Three Bears panto in Killyman has been rebranded as an adult version and will be played by the Killyman Players with three special guests from a strip joint in London.

REVEALED: Unwinnable Irish Lotto Run By Edendork Bingo Snowball Veteran

Investigations into the Irish Lotto, which hasn’t been won for 48 consecutive draws, have revealed that an Edendork man, who oversaw the infamous local Bingo Snowball which wasn’t won for 18 years, was hired by the Irish Lottery in April this year.

Stevie McCrannagh (77) appears to have been headhunted by Irish authorities earlier in the year after a documentary on Netflix identified him as the main brains behind the Edendork Snowball which wasn’t won between 1980 and 1997. Although his methods were never revealed, bingo masters who called the numbers in Edendork described pulling out balls that were so hot they couldn’t be read out and were subsequently dropped for a different choice.

Our reporter, Selina McCarthy, revealed:

“I can see why he was initially hired by the Irish Lottery crowd but how he manages to do it in this electronic age is a mystery. He really is a genius. There’s talk that he sold bricks to Tyrone Brick when they were still going.”

Although there is a more likely chance of a Cavan man telling the cashier to keep the change than there is of winning the lottery, statistically, the Irish government has urged people to stop complaining and to pick better numbers.

O’Neills Begin Production Of Checked Shirts, Cowboy Boots, Brown Belts and Flared Jeans

Queue for the bru in Dungannon this morning

In order to take advantage of the additional Garth Brooks concerts announced today, O’Neills have anticipated a boom in shirts, belts, boots and jeans gift requests in households this Christmas throughout the county and began production in the above items today.

Brooks, who sat on the internet this morning in America watching Ticketmaster sales, decided to play a few more days in Ireland to cater for demand despite the cruel memory of cancellations in Ireland in 2014 still emotionally crippling many fans from Cookstown to Castlederg.

A worker in O’Neills in Strabane explained:

“I’m already flat out making holes in big leather belts. The bigger the hole the better they say. There’s talk of us working on Christmas Day to meet demand, even thought the concert isn’t for another nine months. They say the average Tyrone man goes through 18 belts a year due to overthumbing during dancing.”

Aughnacloy native Stevie ‘Bant’ Digney admitted he was in tears when he saw the waiting list on Ticketmaster this morning. I logged on at 5am, three hours before release, and every house light from here to Emyvale was on, as well as 500’000 other online users. I gave up when I got down to 200’000 and just put on Big Tom. I regret that now.

Meanwhile, the Edendork snowball still sits at £3.5m.

Bridge From Ireland To Scotland Plans Abolished Due To Potholes Already Appearing On Final Drafts

Artist’s impression of the road out of Larne

Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.

Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.

Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:

“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”

The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.

Nominees Selected For Mid-Ulster Ingenuity Awards

The Mid-Ulster Council has recently released the nominees for its awards for business ingenuity, and as always Tyrone firms feature heavily.  We take you through our top nominees for the coveted top spot for 2021.

Begley’s Red Stars

Begley’s Sports Shop has been nominated for selling wee red stars that Tyrone fans may purchase and sew into any jersey from 2008 onwards to show that the county now has 4 All-Irelands. Suitable for WJ Dolan, Hunky Dory, and McAleer & Rushe tops. “Wee Red Stars” are priced at £39.50 each. New jerseys start at £40

Magnet for Electric Cars

JJ O’Donnell Electrics has been nominated for selling magnets for electric vehicles to slow the battery down from dying. Punters can get an extra half-day travel from the “Elect-Go-Magnet”. Prices from £45 each, depending on how expensive your car looks.

Fake Covid Passports

Mr A. Foster has been nominated for selling normal British Passports, which are currently worth less than the paper they are printed on, to those who are not Covid-19 vaccinated, enabling them to attend road bowls competitions, band competitions, play golf, hunting, and indulge in a spot of plane-spotting, for the measly sum of £99.99. Get them while they’re hot.

MOT Tyre Fail Solvers

Seamus Wilson’s stick-on threads for tyres that have failed the MOT are the next nominee. At £1.99 per inch, they’re flying off the shelves.

Ready-made placards for referee abuse

Kelly’s Yard in Coalisland have produced over 300 bespoke placards for abusing referees to save vocal cords or when you’re hungover. Bestsellers include ‘can you only point the one way, ref?‘, ‘are your eyes painted on?’ and ‘away home to f**k’. £20 each or 2 for £40.

The ceremony takes place on 4th December, streamed live for £40.

Tyrone County Board Blame Price Of Irwin’s Soda Farls For Increased Cost Of GAA Stream

A war is brewing between an Armagh bakery and the Tyrone County Board after it was revealed that most of the Tyrone Board have blamed Irwin’s bread, which has seen soda farls rise in price from £1.13 to £1.15 in the local Sainsbury’s in the last year, resulting in a £5 hike in the stream for a Tyrone County Final match from a first-round game.

Soda farls, a staple diet of players such as Iggy Jones, Kevin McCabe, John Lynch, Sean Teague and Philip Jordan, have risen 2p in price in the last 12 months, resulting in 3 floodlights in Garvaghy being turned off between the hours of 5pm and 7pm.

A fan of Irwin’s bread, Mr Anthony Fearon, claimed:

“This is pure Armagh and Portadown discrimination by them Tyrone hoors. The County Board in Tyrone raised them prices to cover the trip to Downings for the whole squad. I stand by Irwins, and soda farls in general.”

Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board will provide copies of the AIF for an excellent Christmas present. DVDs cost £80 with a privatised message from Tyrone from Coronation Street for an extra £100.

Local Clergy Criticise Coalisland Schools For Rain-Dancing Lessons Ahead Of County Final

Several Coalisland school principals have been reprimanded by the Church for hosting a rash of rain-dancing lessons in the run-up to the Fianna’s match against Dromore in the Tyrone County Final.

In recent months, it has been proven without doubt that Coalisland play well in the rain and mud. In a recent friendly against Derrytresk, it rained for a total of 3 minutes in which time the Fianna scored 6 goals and 3 points. They were held scoreless for the other 57 minutes. Just last month, the Irish News’ Cahair O’Kane intimated at rain-dance practices in Coalisland after their victory of Carrickmore in the quarter-final. O’Kane is renowned for his investigative Tyrone GAA skills.

In leaked footage on TikTok, several Tyrone schools were recorded holding behind-closed-doors sessions on rain-dancing, hosted by famous Brackaville rain-dancing expert Seanie McNally.

In response, the local PP has asked for the practice to ‘desist’ and that any principal who continues allowing such lessons in their institutions will not receive free Gideon bibles this winter. Local women, who have also been photographed having rain-dancing sessions, were also denounced from the pulpit last week.

Meanwhile, Dromore GAA has asked Barra Best from BBC NI Weather to take training on Thursday in order to teach their players how to cope in wet conditions.

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