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Hawking Discovered Larne Through Powerful Telescope Made By Trillick Man

 

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Larne earlier

Stephen Hawking, who died peacefully in his home in Cambridge yesterday, is being credited with discovering the seaport and industrial town of Larne whilst searching into the deepest darkest corners of the universe using a telescope made by a welder from Trillick in 1988. 

 

Patsy Brennan, who accidentally made the device when trying to weld together a pair of binoculars for a group of local men who liked watching the British Army from a distance as a hobby, said Hawking stumbled across Larne whilst searching for some of the mysteries of the universe:

“He was mad excited when he spotted Larne. He really thought he’d found one of these holes he kept going on about and was pure demented about it. I’m glad he never spotted Carrickfergus or he’d never have left,”

Hawking and Trillick go back a long way after he was seduced by their swashbuckling football in the 80s as well as their ability to play a high standard of football whilst sporting heavy moustaches and successfully managing raging hangovers on a Sunday morning.

Brennan lamented the fact that the telescope was taken apart for scrap metal in 1995 in order to pay for hotels in Dublin for his family for the All Ireland Final that year.

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No MBEs Again In Loughmacrory. Natives Restless.

You won't see one of these in Loughmacrory

You won’t see one of these in Loughmacrory

For the 95th consecutive year, there will be no MBEs, OBEs or Knighthoods in Loughmacrory after the list was leaked tonight at the Loughmacrory Pioneers’ Dance and Quiz in the community hall.

Initial reports suggest an air of apathy and resignation greeted the news. However, noises since have alerted the security forces with the intimation that there may be riots and road blockages over the next few days and possibly weeks.

The news comes as a massive blow to town gardeners Harriot McVeigh and Francey McNally who were confident that their maintenance of the village daffodil bed had landed them some sort of recognition this year. McNally, 61, was furious:

“That oul fcukin bitch. She sees fit to give a knighthood to Stephen Hawking or make Judi Dench a dame. Well, let me tell you this. I’ve had my fair share of dames over the years but none are a patch on Harriot. She gets up at 9 every Saturday morning and then maintains the daffodil patch in the afternoon. Are you telling me that word hasn’t got back to Buckingham Palace about the Loughmacrory daffodil display? That oul hag has spy cameras all over the place. She knows rightly and is sticking two fingers up to Loughmacrory just as her father did. It’s time to act.”

Word has filtered out tonight that the Loughmacrory Gardeners’ Society will be blocking the Ballybrack Road tomorrow and maybe the Skeboy Road on Monday if it’s a decent day. McNally summed up the mood:

“To be honest we wouldn’t be accepting the award anyway on principle but that’s not the point. Loughmacrory has been ignored when it came to the European Championships, the G17 meeting, the Eurovision as well as being turned down for a grant to build a memorial to those caught laundering. We’re not taking it any more. Before the year is out, Loughmacrory will make the Sky News. Even if I have to run to Mountfield naked.”

Buckingham Palace have refused to comment tonight.

 

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